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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Potential Relationship

Posted by: Anauj May 27, 2019, 6:29 PM
This may not even be appropriate for this site. I recently had work done by a contractor/friend. We actually worked together for 2 years at a very reputable long term rehab. I'm a widow and he's divorced 15 years. He is a Christian which is an absolute must for me. Non negotiable... I did a background check on him and saw charges from 2 years ago (misdemeanors), all of which were dismissed last year. The charges were NOT drug related. However, he was incarcerated for one week. We really have a connection, but once I learned about the charges, I ran scared (when he asked me out for dinner). When I confronted him about the charges, he was forthcoming with the information and it all matched up. 2 more things: he doesn't own a vehicle and doesn't have a license. So it would be me doing the driving. Don't like the idea of that too much. (I've been widowed for 2 years and am age 58). Thoughts from any of you ladies?

I'm posting on this website because I was so impressed with all the support I got recently when I posted about "Auto Loan" with my son.

Posted by: Anauj May 27, 2019, 6:40 PM
O.K. So you need to know he is a 1989 and 2007 graduate of the "long term" rehab I referenced. (13 month Christian based in house facility) (Alcoholism) I guess that's why I decided to post and get some thoughts.

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 27, 2019, 7:16 PM
Hi- my short response- keep it simple. Make it known you are friends and will not be romantically involved. No awkward obligations. If it were me I would want a companion to go places with. Maybe keep it to day time dates. No car - plan an adventure using public transportation, sometimes to give your car a break and so u don’t feel he is using u for transportation.

If he has other ideas in mind u will know soon enough. He won’t continue socializing.

** in college a guy asked me out. He knew I was kind of seeing someone else. I told him i’d Like to go out as friends, nothing else. A few hours later he had a better offer and cancelled our ‘date’.

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 27, 2019, 7:19 PM
If you are not sure about him now, and you give in to temptation, it will be harder to get out of later. Between the bf and your son, things might become very complicated with one or the other or both. Ugh addiction stinks.

Posted by: Anauj May 27, 2019, 8:17 PM
Thanks NytoFlorida! I love that public transportation outing suggestion! Sitting on this for awhile yet.

Posted by: Sallyanna May 27, 2019, 8:26 PM
I'm just wondering why he doesn't have a licence or a car? I'm not sure what to tell you because I personally have trust issues after my 25 year marriage ended. If you worked together for 2 years you may have some insight into his character?

Posted by: Anauj May 28, 2019, 8:05 AM
Thanks everyone. Seeing things thru fresh eyes today. The holiday alone without my husband wrecked my thinking yesterday. I have decided to stay clear of this relationship. As long as I have known him, he hasn't had a car or license. I don't think I need any more "drama" in my life right now. We're truly never alone, as Holy Spirit is always with us. Thanks!

Posted by: BugginMe May 28, 2019, 8:39 AM
I think you should pass on that relationship. You don’t need anymore addicts, past or present, in your life or anyone you have to drive around. He could have lots of tickets that haven’t been paid and that is the reason he can’t get a license. Those wouldn’t show up if you just Google him.

Posted by: mtnmom May 28, 2019, 10:03 AM
I agree on passing. Addicts can be very charming & convincing that it was ALL IN THE PAST. Maybe it is, but who knows. My 45 y/o son has been an addict since his 20's, a functional addict with a good job but lots a traffic tickets and one SERIOUS felony which was reduced to a misdemeanor & then dismissed after he completed his probation. In about 2016 he went to rehab, cleaned up & was doing well albeit NOT following the aftercare program. Stayed clean for about 16 months, met the woman of his dreams & fell off the wagon BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! For the past 6 months he has been living like a psychotic, chaotic, meth fueled madman. Woman of his dreams had to get a restraining order because he refused to leave her house. Violated the restraining order almost the same day. Was arrested for violating & bailed out, arrested again a few days later for violating orders, this time spent 12 days in jail. Is in jail again NOW for violating again. Arrested 3 times in 2 weeks..... He could convince the Pope that God in not real....

This is just MY experience but if you choose to pursue, I'd go SSSSLLLLLLLOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!

Posted by: samegame May 28, 2019, 12:04 PM
If you have hesitation now it could turn into desperation trying to get out of that relationship later.

Also be careful with background check services because not everything is necessarily picked up. I know people with duis and other offenses that unless the police/law enforcement does the check most others won't find out. Here the had a dui arrest in one jurisdiction but was tried in another because of where pursuit started.

You having the only car. The alkie here quite frankly abused a relationship after his last dui having his girlfriend drive him to not only 'official' things like work but all his recreational activity which included events and people 20-30 miles away. And to top it off she wound up enabling his drinking because his recreational activity includes bars and/or lots of drinking-even after his last dui-she enabled him pure and simple along with racking up high miles on her car for his life.

Posted by: Anauj May 28, 2019, 12:08 PM
Thanks samegame and mtnmom... yes... I'm definately saying "no" to this relationship. After losing my husband suddenly at the age of 59, I deserve a nice, upstanding man to take care of me - not me taking care of him. Just a weak moment yesterday...

Posted by: sad eyes May 28, 2019, 5:47 PM
I would go with your gut feeling, generally if you think something's wrong generally there is, does seem funny abput not having licence and a car, just my thoughts,

Posted by: mtnmom May 28, 2019, 6:37 PM
I'm virtually "high fiving" you!!!

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 28, 2019, 7:27 PM
Just want to say sorry about the loss of your husband. It must be lonely to suddenly be alone. (Assuming)... huggs from all of us.

It’s a rough road we are on.

Posted by: Anauj May 28, 2019, 7:36 PM
Thanks everybody. Yes... 19 months since my husband left this earth. Routine surgery went wrong. My son, age 25 watched his Father take his last breath and has truly never dealt with that either I think. It is rough... we continue to put one foot in front of the other.

Posted by: Sallyanna May 28, 2019, 8:36 PM
Anauj my deepest sympathy to you and your son.

Posted by: Anauj October 31, 2019, 9:57 AM
Update. This man kept his word on everything, including obtaining a valid driver's license and even purchased a truck.

We have a lot of fun together, enjoy many of the same things in life.

This was a leap of faith that was definately worth it. Both my kids are on board with the relationship which was important to me.

I've laughed more in the past several months that I had in years.

It's nice to have someone in my life to share things with and I'm grateful.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 31, 2019, 7:42 PM
I'm happy for you and happy it's worked out so well!!!

Posted by: NyToFlorida October 31, 2019, 8:36 PM
Great news. Thanks for the update. Glad you didn’t listen to us!? LOL

Posted by: Parenting2 November 1, 2019, 10:37 AM
I am glad to hear this. I was hesitant to post on this, because I don't like the idea that someone has to carry their past around forever. I know SO many fantastic people in recovery. Sometimes addiction and recovery can someone a better person than your average person! I am glad it worked out in this case.