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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Trying To Support By Helping Less

Posted by: Walkedon July 14, 2018, 12:55 AM
I am trying to unravel my self from 30 year old daughters life. I have allowed her to live in a house that I own. I have been an a** and paid all of her living expenses. I have believed her lies that she would change ,or that she just needed a little help with getting a car so she can get a job.
I need to get the strength to say no
My plan is stay away from her. I want to get her out of my house and in to an apartment. I will pay for months but no more.. She must get a job and take responsibility for her self .
This is what I want to do. I need to do this.
Im posting this here,hoping that I stick to this small plan.

Posted by: Parenting2 July 14, 2018, 1:43 PM
Just posting to support you in your healthy decision for you. This will not be easy, but it is the correct choice. She is not respecting you, and you deserve to be treated with respect. If she will not go willingly, you may have to check with an attorney.

Do you have access to a counselor? Or, Al-Anon meetings? You will need lots of support as you move through the process.

It is really difficult, but we have to do this. Best of luck and keep posting updates. Good for you for making this decision!

Posted by: NyToFlorida July 14, 2018, 9:18 PM
Sorry that you are here, And Glad you found us! Keep reading! There are several older postings that we refer to that are short and sweet and 'hit home' for a lot of us. Find the following titles by typing in the search box at the bottom of the posting pages:

Ways Family Members can Help
What Not to do
Let me fall all by myself
Will you learn to say No

I have entered helpful links in the General/Misc board.

I made more progress with myself after finding there is help for family members. and I found a recovery center in my area that treats family members with counselling. I think this helped to get my son into recovery bc I kept repeating - Go to the recovery center. I would tell him what services were available.

You have a long road ahead of you. I was not able to detach fully over the past 5 years - but we did support less and only give the bare minimum. My son has been in recovery for the past 2 months.

In the past 5 years I have talked to my son about recovery, holistic approaches, vitamins, supplements, doctors, until I could not stand to hear my voice saying it again!

They only quit when they have had enough. we 'helped' our son so he could keep his job - let him use a car, gave $$ for gas or food - not excessively but more than we should at age 28, and more than we wanted to. we waited for him to be motivated to be clean and independent. even though he said that's what he wanted, that is not what he did.

It was only when he had nothing and had an arrest, that he has decided he would rather live a clean life. I can only hope it lasts for more than a few months.

when deciding your strategy think in these terms: she must be independent from you. YOU deserve to live life happily on your terms. you wont be here supporting her forever. she needs to apply for her own insurance - that might be medicare. she should do what other disabled homeless people do - apply for social services, food stamps, welfare housing. there is a lot of awareness and local support out there. you daughter has to go get it. they are not going to come to her.

You are correct that you need to detach. Everything that is not your responsibility - Stop Doing. It is hard. I have a very difficult time when my son is in front of me, to give him consequences. BUT I find that when I do, he reacts better than I thought he would. This must be my character flaw. That I don't like conflict? Don't want to upset him? Don't want him to be sad? idk.

It took us 5 years to get to where we are. We have learned a lot. I hope we do not have to go back to it. I still keep trying to thing of my 'bail out' plan. I do not want to be on the addiction roller coaster again. It is not my ride of choice.

Posted by: NyToFlorida July 15, 2018, 9:46 AM
thoughts about getting your daughter into an apartment. Consider which is the less expensive route to go. If she is in a house you own you have some control over what you are spending. If she is in an apartment she will probably not pay the rent, utilities, etc and you may feel obligated to pay those expenses and maybe a long term lease. I know you want to detach and not have any financial responsibility which is the right thing to do, but look ahead to evaluate what you logically want to happen vs what will most likely happen. If she is not working, she will not be able to rent an apartment or sign a lease. maybe your plan should be minimize and detach from everything else first and then the house last. If you need her out of the house, push her into a shelter or social services route first.

Posted by: BugginMe July 15, 2018, 10:05 AM
Don’t let her convince you to put your name on the lease. You will continue paying the bills or ruin your credit. Be prepared you may need to be strong and say ‘no’ no matter the consequences. Helping for a month or two until they can get a job or whatever, suddenly turns into helping for a year or more. It is hard to find a way out of the cycle because we have trouble watching them fail.

FYI seems like there is more help for homeless women and families than there is for homeless men. While we are providing for them there aren’t many places that will step in and provide anything. There are some sober living places that are communal and may be cheaper than an apartment. Call your location council on drugs and alcohol to see if they have a list of resources or any ideas. NAMI may also have a list. Call United Way for info.

Posted by: howaboutawall July 15, 2018, 4:08 PM
Everything mentioned is so true. Help less. By helping less that is pressure on them to take their time and money to do things for themselves, less for their drug lifestyle and friends.

You should also point out their age especially as an adult. They will always try to pull the 'family' card out. I've seen people not enable in someways yet destroy theirs and other's work by giving them things as harmless as they seem.

I know some parents who started letting the alcoholic adult child come over to do occasional laundry. Before you know they coming over doing 5 loads in a day(a month or two worth) tying up the machines and racking up water & electric bills. And asking the parents to keep an eye on it-ie do it for them. Other times they were in such a hurry they would over stuff the machine trying to save themselves the time of multiple loads. That's some serious wear and tear. Guess what they did when waiting for their laundry to finish. Go to a bar, make a beer run-mid afternoon. One must ask what were they doing when they weren't doing laundry where they live-probably drinking, going to bars with that time & money. It seems petty but the addicts and alcoholics play all the angles as a selfish cheapskate grifter having others pay for their life.

Posted by: Walkedon July 15, 2018, 4:45 PM
I have done all the enabling things and even as I try to stop,I keep enabling. Apparently I am addicted too.
It will be cheaper for me to put her in an apartment. Sale my house, no taxes to pay ,no house insurance,no upkeep.
In my warped brain, I think if she is out of the house maybe she will hate it so much she'll get inspired to leave the area..I can dream.
Keep giving me advice folks. Tell me what you did that worked or things rhat nack fired.
I really need to know specifics for when she is "clean.'

Posted by: howaboutawall July 15, 2018, 4:53 PM
If you have to look at this as what is done is done. Try not enabling by slowly but steadily reducing support and financing. If she complains remind her she is a 30 year old adult, not a child. Tell her you are going to start cutting back on money and what she can do around the house until she sobers up. If you do nothing they'll take advantage rationalizing it as you don't care or are stupid. Sometimes it's better to try and win as many small battles as possible rather than trying to win with decisive win(which means the addict must be at a bottom)

Posted by: Walkedon July 15, 2018, 5:47 PM
I don't give her money. I havent for at least 6 months. She does not have a car. She lives in a rural area with no public transportation. I have given her food and I've taken her to some appointments.
I think the electricity will be shut off soon.
This is a battle of wills. I hope I'm tough enough not to give in.
I asked her sister to talk to her about an apartment. My younger daughter is not tricked. If the addict starts her bull,
daughter no2 just leaves.
Ive asked my younger kid if she feels okay talking to the addict. She says it doesn't bother her. Its not her problem.

Posted by: NyToFlorida July 15, 2018, 10:53 PM
Good that she does not have a car and that you do not give money.
those two things are hard to take away when they are used to having them.

Posted by: Browndog113 July 16, 2018, 6:33 AM
Have you ever tried al anon for families/friends of addicts. I think it would do you a world of good and make your life better.

Posted by: BugginMe July 16, 2018, 12:08 PM
If you put your name on an apartment lease, you are not only responsible for the rent but also whatever illegal activities occur there. Encourage her to get a place near a bus line so she can work and get to meetings. Something very small and affordable .. a studio or efficiency. Maybe with bills paid. We bought our son a trailer and put it in his name. Seemed the cheapest .. only lot rent and utilities to pay. He was supposed to work and pay us a little something each month. Rental lots are usually in rural areas with no public transportation so not really great. He didn’t pay us anything and ended up trashing the place. Could not get a job or pay bills. His friends stayed there on our dime. We finally quit paying the bills and he sold it. Now he is homeless and doesn’t put two and two together. Probably does not even remember he owes us money even though we had a contract.

Posted by: Walkedon July 16, 2018, 1:51 PM
I like the idea of an efficiency apartment. Even thought of pre payingfor several months.
I keep trying to figure out what will give her the best chance of recovery.
Right now I'm sitting in a park waiting for her to get sentenced on drug paraphernalia charges. I'm sure it will be another fine and more probation. Its a
I can't stand to look at her or talk to her. If I were rich I would hire some one to deal with her.

Posted by: NyToFlorida July 16, 2018, 8:58 PM
the best chance for recovery is for her to be in a detox and rehab program. maybe it will be court mandated. You can not think of this with your logical brain. if she was going to recover, she would in her current living situation. an apartment is not going to change her. A sober living house would be a good step. less expensive than an apartment. no long tern contract. you can pay for a few months until she gets a job, and then it is up to her and she has to be accountable to those that are running the sober living house, instead of being accountable to you. this gets you out of the picture.

don't do anything too soon. look into a sober living situation. but she has to be clean to be accepted. and she has to want to do it. follow the rules.

you will have to tell her you need to sell the house and sober living is her only option.

Find the right local program that can navigate her needs.

Posted by: MoMo74 August 14, 2018, 4:37 PM
Hey there. I am a mom of a 26 year old drug addict who has lost custody of both her kids, tried suicide, went to hospital, etc. I have done everything from giving her a place to stay, but never money. I know that you can't give an addict money. Instead, I have paid tickets, phone, etc., but it never helps. I know it's hard to let your child fend for themselves, but when you have done everything in your power to help and they continue to go down the same path, it's time to stop. I have given my child to God. He is the only one that can reach her, if she is reachable. I can't continue to put my family, her children, etc. through the stress. My advice is to let go completely. Do not get her an apartment that she can do drugs in, especially if she doesn't have a job or any stability. My best friend did that for her daughter and shortly after her daughter was arrested for drug possession in that same apartment that she allowed all her friends to party in, on my friends dime. At some point as parents we have to say enough is enough and allow them to learn on their own. I mean it's not like they appreciate anything you are doing for them. Then again I'm on this chat to find peace of mind and hope someone can help me push past my anger and just live peacefully again.

Posted by: Walkedon August 14, 2018, 6:12 PM addict is in the pysch ward ,headed to rehab...I have no real hope that this will work but at least I get her out of the house that I own. Selling the house so that I dont fall back in to that mess.

Posted by: NyToFlorida August 16, 2018, 9:01 PM
walked on. give yourself a hug and a good break from chaos for a few days. You did it!
Yes, sell the house. when she starts asking for more help - keep the choices simple - and keep steering her care out of your hands. get her social worker involved, halfway house, sober living. tell her she needs to do this for both of you. so she can be independent, learn how to handle her health care thru the experts. it will be hard for her at first - she has to keep trying and starting over until she gets it. try to get her to see that you don't want to be her caretaker, you want to be her mom and some day you wont be here to take care of her.

it is not easy. its seems they are just not capable if things that we think are simple tasks.
once when my son was in FL, I talked to him on the phone. he was homeless and needed to go to a storage unit where the landlord put his stuff. he said he didn't know how, didn't know where it was. I looked on at map of his location and the storage location. he was a mile away, on the same road. in his state of mind he would have sat on the curb for a week saying he couldn't find it.

I might be exaggerating a little. he did find his stuff and got it out of the storage.

and who knows if they are capable and just telling us they don't know how bc they just don't want to do it....