Printable Version of Topic
Click here to view this topic in its original format
Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Urgent Please

Posted by: aunt worry June 5, 2019, 10:07 PM
my 25 yo nephew noah called his mom tonight and said he’s been using heroin for a month. says he wants to stop and has no access to the drug tonight and that he has friends around who will take him to a treatment center when he’s ready. he says he wants to get through the night on his own.

his parents are a 15 hour drive away from him. he told them he is an adult and wants to handle this himself. he asked his parents not to go to his town.

on the one hand, i agree he should find treatment himself-if he doesn’t want it and work for it, rehab probably won’t help. on the other hand, noah is very much loved by his family. my sister and brother in law are a wreck with this phone call.

should they go to noah? or wait to see what tomorrow brings?
i know there’s no one right answer but i guess i’m wondering what you’d do for your kids in this situation?

Posted by: Sallyanna June 5, 2019, 11:00 PM
Well....I'm 9hrs away from my daughter and my response would be "great go, you need the help". I would not go down there. She used to go on her own when she got really bad and she would do it on her own. Now, she's addicted to 2 drugs, checked herself out of detox, I think she's totalled her car and last night she called me because she lost her apartment key. She's lost her ATM card twice now, got a new one but can't use it because she lost the letter that has the pass code. She's a mess and I tell her to go and she sets it up then bails....I'm so sick of addiction right now I'm probably not the best person to respond. This has been going on a long time and I'm tired.

Posted by: NyToFlorida June 5, 2019, 11:11 PM
its a coin toss. Want to be at his side but also respect that he can do this on his own.

Today, after all we have been thru in the past 6 months, I would let him go to treatment on his own. He will feel more like an adult with out mommy and daddy with him. Hopefully he will go soon. Sometimes they say they will go 'tomorrow' and it takes weeks before they get there. Noah sounds more mature than my son. so hopefully he will go to treatment soon.

my son's journey to the hospital in May, took about a week and ended up with a detour to county jail. sooooo, maybe when he called me at work to say the hospital would not admit him, I should have left work and then what..... fed him, gave him my car and some cash.... sat with him at the stabilization center to be sure he didn't leave... we've been there done that a year ago... the hospital rehab director said he was impaired. they told him to go to the stabilization center, within a short walking distance, and to come back tomorrow.

I too am at a loss, getting too tired, cant jump over tall buildings with kids on my back anymore.... we have been at this for 6 years.

Posted by: momg June 6, 2019, 9:32 AM
Problem is, tonite will likely end with finding heroin in the morning. By the time they get there he likely will change his mind. Trust that he wants help in the morning and his friends help

Posted by: Alexandra’s Mom June 6, 2019, 10:02 AM
Hello Aunt Worry. He needs to find his own help and do this for himself. We have dragged our daughter to rehab more then a few times and she just gets back out to use. She will tell us she went to make us happy and to try to be able to live back at home. I hope you can get a little rest and hope he sticks to getting the help he needs in the morning.

Posted by: Sallyanna June 9, 2019, 9:34 AM
Hi Aunt worry. I hope Noah was able to get to rehab. Thinking of you and your family.

Posted by: Parenting2 June 9, 2019, 12:22 PM
Me, too. Hope he did go.

Posted by: aunt worry June 9, 2019, 4:11 PM
thanks for all the replies! it means a lot to have emotional support in this terrible journey, especially from people who (unfortunately) know what the journey is like.

noah has NOT gone to rehab. he had told his mother on friday evening that he was going to go to a sober living place saturday night with a long time sober friend of his but i saw on this friend’s facebook page that the friend was in another state all weekend! so it appears that noah lied about last night’s appointment. he lost his phone in his car accident a few weeks ago so we can now only wait till he calls us and no one has heard from him since friday.

his father flew home a few days ago, his mother stayed in florida. they had talked to a drug hotline number and my sisters counselor and listened to the replies i received on this website and decided there was no right or wrong answer here-who knows what will make things better or worse? his mother doesn’t want to baby him since he keeps saying he is an adult. they both tell him they will 100% support his honest attempts at sobriety-his father wanted to tell him that in person.

the last couple days have been so unproductive between his father and noah-they’ve had good talks and bad talks but ultimately noah has not gone to rehab. so his father is flying back to florida today to be with my sister and to hopefully enjoy their last week of a month long vacation in florida!

Posted by: NyToFlorida June 9, 2019, 6:07 PM
Hello Aunt,
Thanks for the update :) I wish I had the right answers. I guess this is why the medications and drugs our loved ones have become addicted to are controlled substances. Not meant for over the counter use. Most medications are not meant to cure a person of anything. They are made to pallieate, and give comfort during an illness be it acute or chronic. Unfortunately our loved ones don’t understand that the substance that makes them temporarily feel better, also make their whole existence worse. It seems it is a quick bridge to cross. To a point Where they need the meds to feel normal and convince themselves they can’t function normal therefore need the meds. Then, when the try to re-enter real life, it is overwhelming. Like Lollee once said ‘feels like digging her way out with a spoon.’

My son still thinks if he had a car, a job and safe place to live, he would be fine.. and he’s right. He has had all of that and more for many years. The problem with his equation is that he needs to omit the self medicating.

I have concluded that the only option is for him to embrace sober living. No other combination will work.

Unfortunately we flounder around for years with ‘the tail wagging the dog’ before we get to this conclusion

Posted by: Sallyanna June 9, 2019, 8:34 PM
Its sad because either way one decides, they both feel really, really awful. Yes, my head knows (somewhat, when it's working) however my heart aches and I just hurt. Addiction is cruel.

Posted by: mtnmom June 9, 2019, 10:20 PM
Awww Aunt Worry, I'm so sorry! I've realized that my son knows ALL the right things to say when he needs something from us & we fall for it EVERY SINGLE TIME because we want so badly to believe that THIS TIME is THE TIME. Since mid-April he's been arrested 4 times for violating a stay away/no contact court order. 1 charge was dismissed & 2 he's been sentenced to probation w/ jail time in lieu of fines (total 22 days in custody since about 4/22. He's currently in jail again. It is hard to believe that the ones we love so fiercely & deeply can do this to us. Our addicts know we want them to get help & ask for it, so they do ask for YOUR HELP - you are the only who understands them or will talk to or help them. It is painful - my son has been calling us numerous times a day, every day. but now that he is in jail AGAIN & I won't cave & give him money (he's hunger in there too) and take care of the truck he can't afford to maintain or keep anyway, I'm not hearing much from him today....

Posted by: NyToFlorida June 10, 2019, 10:15 PM
Hello Aunt -
I was thinking about things and remembered this - I don't think a sober living home or rehab program will take Noah unless he detoxes first. Thinking about my son as an example. he tried last year and this year to quit Heroin on his own. from what I see, which is half a guess, he used other meds like kolonopin and xanax and amphetamine (Adderall type) to try to medicate thru the withdrawals of not being able to sleep, or being too sleepy, or anxiety, etc. during the first 2 months of this year he would spend his paycheck in 3-5 days, probably a binge, then would have nothing for 7-10 days. He seemed to be home for two nights, then go out with friends a night, then home a few nights and so on. My point is that it is very hard to quit on your own. there are withdrawal sx. some people have worse physical sx some people have worse mental sx.

In detox they either give you meds or leave you alone - meaning let you get thru it without the stress of being homeless. Then the brain is still in a fog.

So - Noah probably cant just show up at a sober living home unless some predetermined plan is in place. maybe he thinks he can. maybe he they said after detox and he is trying to detox on his own. Its is impossible to know what is going on. Either they hear only half of what is told to them, or they tell us only half of it.

When my son was in florida in 2015 he was homeless during Christmas week. We kept telling him to go to AA meetings find someone to help, goto (fill in blank). Even when we looked up addresses he "did not know where to go, couldn't find it, or he went but no one helped him"

We then started calling places our self and once we found a place to take him we waited for him to surrender and then we told him to call the rehab place and they picked him up. but we had to pay out of pocket. $3000 to a detox facility. and about $10K or more for 1 to 2 months rehab. then he went to sober living for a few months, got job and paid rent. then moved out and relapsed.

The sad part I am seeing is that I have not seen my son have a successful year since 2012. or maybe before that. I think he went from college to addiction.