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|Message Board > Recovery Diaries > How Did I Get Here|
|Posted by: Betterthanthis January 23, 2011, 4:38 PM|
|I dont know how I got here or why but here I am. Gambling and drinking have taken over my life and I need to break my habits. I tried to kid myself thinking the drinking was all that bad and one had nothing to do with the other. Well I was so wrong. I made a committment to myself not to gamble anymore sort of a new years resolution but that didn't work. 14 days in I had one too many cocktails and my mind told me it was okay to go and test the waters. 14 days yeah right - 2200.00 later and guess what it wasn't and then I drove home praying that I would get home safe and not hurt anyone because I shouldn't have been driving. Last night I was at home reading having some wine and bam 1/2 bottle later my mind again told me it would be fun to go to the casino and get my money back - 3000 later and that was not the case. Again I should not have driven home. Last year I spent 60000 gambling and I am well on my way to that this year. My savings is gone and I am starting to take money off my credit cards. This has to stop and I am scared but I am ready. Writing my thoughts down someplace safe is going to help. I bought a 12 step guide to see what the experts say to do to get started down a path of recovery. Praying is A number 1 and I have done that today. There is a church service at 7 pm this evening I am planning on attending as well.
If anyone out there has suggestions on how to retrain the mind I would appreciate it. I have beaten an addiction before about 25 years ago with drugs. Now I need to dig deep and do it again. I know I can!
I try to figure out my triggers and it is stress and drinking. Life will always have some sort of stress but the drinking just has to stop. I bet I will lose weight also. I have been trying to take off a few pounds and I seem to have hit a wall. this will definitely help me get some weight off.
my whole life I have been afraid that I won't have money and live as a old women in poverty and three years my life started to unravel. After the culmination of events over three months I started drinking regularly and gambling. At first if I lost 100.00 it was a big deal now 2000 is a big deal - crazy
i am a good person and have alot to offer but i don't like myself for who i have become in this dark life i have developed Life will never be the same or as I once was however it can be good again just in different ways. that is what I am most eager and scared to see. who in my life will be by my side during this journey and what will the paint on the canvas look like on the opposite end.
I see posts where people wake up crying, it is not like that for me. more so i am numb i know i have feelings but if you asked people that probably would say so. i don't get excited any more, i dont plan anymore because i don't want to commit.
Today i am going to start to keep track of how i am feeling and why and see if I can find other patterns. I am thinking of going to a shrink but haven't made that commitment to myself yet. funny i think of how much it will cost to go but it will pale in comparison to what I would spend at the casino and have nothing to show for.
i sat down and did my finances and it is going to take me until the end of July to pay off all the money I have taken off my credit cards to pay for habit. What a shame.
I can't be mad at myself but i do expect better from me.