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Message Board > Methamphetamines > I Died That Day Too With My Only Child, My Life ,

Posted by: landonsmomma July 21, 2016, 2:35 AM

As bad as it hurts my grandsons mother done a great job with my sons story , I pray it helps someone !

A mothers love is never ending and whatever choice you make rather if its to put them on the street because they refuse rehab the 10th time or if you bring them home the 50 the time and the take everything except your roll of toilet paper be sure your always able to handle that guilt and decision you made when you hang up that phone .love and prayers to all .one addicts mother to another .

So I've been thinking about posting this for awhile and hadn't really figured out what to say or how to say it. I would hate to cause disrespect to him or his family I would hate to do something he wouldn't want me too, but knowing him like I do I feel like he would say "This is ok, use my story, let me help others." See it was around July last year when Landon called me and asked me about opening a place, he wanted to get with the people from Teen Challenge or somewhere and open a place for people who needed help, homeless people, addicts, people who were like him. He was sober at that time, and his heart was with helping people. He knew I had also talked about something similar, that I wanted to do the same so he called me about us working together to open a place and help others. We never did that, it was a good idea but it never took off, but that was the kind of person he was. He wanted to help people, tell them don't do what I did, be better. I haven't talked about him on social media much, and unless your one of my close friends I probably havent discussed him at all with you, but I think if I had to describe him in 1 word it'd be "trapped." He was stuck, he was a good man, he had a good heart, probably one of the best hearts I've ever seen, a lot of people never got to see the Landon I knew, the real Landon the one that hung out listening to Incubus jotting down his thoughts and dreams. Some people never saw the person that made you laugh til your stomach hurt and was up and ready for just about any spontaneous and random thing you could do. Unless you knew Landon before, you never got to see that. You never got to see his chili bowl haircut, and big thick glasses, you never got to see him walk through Mortons with his skateboard and baggy jeans flirting with all the little girls his age, but that was the landon I miss.You see Landon suffered from several mental issues one being depression, and as he got older he started getting into drug use, not much at first, smoking some weed and a few pills here and there but the thing with that is it brings you to bigger drugs, more pills, cocaine, and eventually meth, shooting up exc. I watched for years Landon fall, and then him get better..there were days he would call me crying telling me his life wasn't worth living, he was ashamed of himself, and he wanted to be better. He hated addiction. He hated what got ahold of him, and yes when he was with his "friends" he laughed & bragged, but I saw the other side, the him that went to tears telling me he wanted to be better, and the one the promised me he would. I watched this for years. It was December 2014 when I let landon take Elijah to do a few things because they missed each other & I didn't want to be the mom that kept my son away from his dad. I wanted to be better then that, So when they left and Elijah wasn't home when he was supposed to be I called Landon numerous times, & at 8 pm Rob & I drove to Evansville to pick Elijah up from the car wreck him and Landon was just in. Luckily no one was hurt but when I got there I looked at Landon and I was so mad but at the same time so hurt I didn't know what to say. I had Rob take Elijah to the car and I talked to Landon privately. I asked multiple times for the truth, even though I already knew it but he swore to me he was just sleepy. He promised me he was clean, he was sober, he wouldn't do that with his son, but as I looked at him I knew it was a lie. So me and Rob left Evansville and we took Elijah and Landon with us. Landon had nowhere to go so we took him to his grandparents to sleep there and that night. I remember hugging him and telling him I loved him and not in a romantic way (my husband was standing right there with me) but in away that I hated to see him do this, that I wanted better for him, that he was not only breaking my heart but his sons too,but he had a choice drugs or Elijah. The next day he was at our house & agreed to go to a rehab facility. He left with the police and with his mom's help got an evaluation so I went to bed thinking "yes finally things are going to be OK" then my phoned dinged, it was Landon. The cops dropped him off on the street in Madisonville because he had no where to live. So he was sitting behind taco bell planning on sleeping there that night and all I kept thinking was it's winter and it's cold and he can't sleep there. He didn't want me to tell anyone so I didn't, but I posted a fb looking for a place for homeless people to stay or sleep at. Chad Carroll contacted me asking what was going on and I explained to him the situation. He picked Landon up and I paid for Landon a hotel that night, Chad took him to eat, they met with some people from his church, got alot of prayer and with some hesitation Landon agreed to do teen challenge rehab a 1 year facility. I don't think there was a time in his life I was more proud of him (besides when he got saved which comes later) I promised to take Elijah to see him on family days, and some church services as long as he stayed. Landon stayed about 4 to 5 months when he decided to leave. But before he left I got a call that he got saved, now let me add Landon was not a religious person and for years me and him debated about God. He always needed more answers, he always questioned so much, so to hear he got saved was amazing. But he left rehab in May and the him that left that place was the old landon. He was respectful, a good dad, he was sober and happy. He was 180 from the day he came in, and It wasn't til August that I started seeing signs of drug use again. He started making excuses, wasn't holding a job, he was super emotional one day and was typing me text and nothing made sense in it. I let it go, I didn't say anything trying to think the best from Aug to November, but I watched. I was careful but it just kept going down hill. He didn't look as bad as before so I thought I may have been making things up, but after one event at the end of November and endless people telling me he was back on drugs including his girlfriend I asked Landon for a drug test. (He told me before if I ever questioned him he would take one) I asked for a follicle test. I tried to rid all excuses so I told him I would take him to it if he didn't have a ride, that I would pay for it, & that if I was wrong he would have my sincerest apologies. He promised he would take one for me from November to the day he died and he never took one. It was from that day that I didn't let Elijah go over there unsupervised anymore. I never took Elijah away for good he knew he could see him with me and Rob, his mom, his grandparents, or we could meet publically at the park something. I didn't want to hurt Landon and I didn't want to hurt Elijah but I had to be careful and keep Elijah safe. The Thursday before Landon died i text Landon about seeing Elijah ,and the text I got back I can remember it almost perfectly. I won't give details about what all it said,but he told me he had to tell me a few things and he was scared someone would be mad but he had to tell me anyway. He told me he had no where to live, that alot was going on, and he was very depressed. He didn't know what to do. I told him I was sorry and I would always be there for him. I asked him more and he told me he already said to much! The next day I woke up to like 3 or 4 missed calls from his mom, I of course thought the worst and called back and she told me about some calls she recieved on how bad he was so she was worried and asked me to look for him. I went looking for him through Mortons and called her back and she was with him. Him and his mom spent Friday together talking about his problems and what to do. She called Chad and he came out and Landon rededicated his life to God that night. Landon may have been an addict but he was a good man, and his salvation was real. He wanted better and I believe he meant everything he said that night. That Friday night after his rededication Landon went & seen his grandparents and Elijah. He told Elijah he loved him and gave him a kiss. I talked to him on the phone and I remember him saying to me "Lauren don't worry everything is going to be ok.. I promise I'm going to fix this."
I told him good I was proud of him and I hoped so... I didn't hear from Landon anymore. That next Wednesday was March 23rd, I had a bad feeling and I thought I need to check on Landon so I messaged him that day asking how he was, but got no reply. A few hours later I was in evansville with my mom and I got the call from landons mom screaming and crying that there was a wreck. Honestly I didn't think it was that bad, my thought process was maybe this will sober him up now.. maybe he will go to jail or rehab again, maybe he will be better. But I hung up with his mom and i called his girlfriend and she told me it was bad. So me and my mom get in the car and we r driving back to madisonville and I write a post on fb asking whose seen the wreck and how had is it? then I start seeing it.. fatalities! Instantly I was sick to my stomach, I started have full blown panic attacks. There was a woman that my mom knee and called who had been on scene during the wreck and the main question I kept asking was "the man in the car how was the man in the car?" And she said "They stopped working on him and went to someone else." And at that point I knew.. they don't stop working on living people! He's dead! I didn't know what to do. It just so happened Elijah was with Landons grandparents that day and I knew I had to get him out of the house so he didn't find out there. I called my nephew to go get him immediently, and called landons mom to see what else she knew. She told me she was heading to his papaws house to tell everyone so I just went there too. I sat with his family avoiding every phone call and every messege in disbelief. I didn't know what to say to Elijah or even how I was going to be able to with the shock I was in. I didn't want Elijah's heart to hurt, I didn't want to screw him up. I called Rob over and over texting him telling him to call me as soon as he got out from the mines. When Rob came out he called me in disbelief, and we met at the house with Elijah. It was then that I explained to Elijah the beat I could, about heaven, and about how his grandma's were there and how mommy's friend Fatty was there & now his daddy was there too. He had a few questions, he wanted to know why, and how, and then he didn't want to talk anymore. I didnt make him. I was sad & mad because not only that my child lost his dad but the that the other man had 2 other little girls,& that they lost their dad too. This is what i was always scared of, that Landon would kill himself or someone else and now it was both? I had so many questions & to this day I still do. Why did he go up the one way the wrong way? Why didn't he get over into the north bound lane? Why didn't he pull to the side? Was this on purpose? Was this not on purpose? What was he trying to tell me the Thursday before he died in that text? Why was he scared to be home? Did his car mess up and if so why was it just worked on a week or so before? Why wasn't it checked out? What answers will I have for my child when he grows up and ask me why! As of now all he knows is there was a car wreck..that the car messed up we thought. That's all he needs to know, he knows nothing else. He doesn't need to know his dad's history now and as he gets older and can understand more I hope to use landons story as a story for him to stay far far way from drugs. For many people to stay far far away from drugs. See landons life was not just landons life it was my life, his mom's life, his grandparents life, and most of all his sons life. Landon didn't want to be an addict in fact he hated it, and he wanted to do better, but it was too late. Before he knew it it had grabbed him and he always went back. He was trapped and yes I believe he could have gotten help again, but it seemed no matter how far away and good he would do, at times he couldn't escape it. I don't think drugs is anything to play with. See I remember clear as day Landon telling me he didn't have an addicting personality, that he wouldnt ger addicted, and that he just did them now and then, ya know for fun. That's the thing, one day that person that doesn't think they r that bad, & doesn't have an addicting personality does one more drug or takes one more drink and suddenly it's them who has no house, no car, and it's their family watching them at their funeral. See to me this isn't the way landons story was supposed to end.. I knew he could do it.. I knew he could be better. But unfortunately we didn't get a chance to see that... 28 years old is too young to die. No mom should bury their son and no child should grow up with out their dad. I am so blessed to have rob and for Elijah to have rob he's been there since Elijah was 1 so God knew what he was doing when he placed him in our life, but still it doesnt fix that he also lost his dad. I encourage everyone whose fighting with addiction not to give up, go day by day, minute by minute. You have people watching you, and needing you to win.I may not even know you but I want u to win, I'm on your side and I bet there are a million other mommas and kids and people out there who feel the same way. Get help, don't be scared to admit you have problem. Addiction can grab anyone, and no I dont think suboxine or methadone or any other crap like that is what fixes it. That is just government funded drug dealing, it's bull, you need real help. Addiction of any kind isn't one to mess with, it has taken away and hurt many people I'm close too. Am I saying drug addiction caused landons wreck? No I'm not.. I'm not sure of all of that yet. But do I believe addiction is what killed Landon long before he ever died? Yes that I know is true!!!