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|Message Board > Recovery Diaries > My Journey Recovering|
|Posted by: scdad February 8, 2013, 1:59 AM|
|I remember the first time I smoked crack. A hooker I picked up had some and I made a huge error in judgment and asked her for a hit. I remember that first feeling like it was yesterday. We had sex and it was the best I ever experienced. That was August 2012. After 6 months and THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS and countless of hours of wasted time, I have never been able to duplicate that night, that nut or that high. 7 months is long enough. I am going to make every effort to quit this thing. I have no choice.
My problem was that I felt that I won't be able to fall or let it get the best of me. Although I am not stealing from anyone, I have spent so much money that I could have used on my kids, my business, helping out my family, tithing, or saving it for emergency funds, life insurance or a house. God has been merciful on me, and I must break this addiction and help others. That's the only way this whole ordeal makes any sense. Next year this time I plan on enrolling in school to be a drug rehab counselor. From this day forward I want to help others fight this addiction. It ain't no joke. But it can and will be done.
Biggest mistake I made was believing that I could control my urges and do it every now and then. I associated myself with the wrong people. I have reached an all time low and placed my child in potential danger, and with that said, enough is enough!! I am the best father out there...and I am going to stay that way. Crack f***s all that up.
God has blessed me with a wonderful girlfriend that accepted me for who I am but she doesn't know that i still smoked. I can't lose her, my kids, my job, my dignity, and God's grace. My shame is my burden right now and I'm so upset at myself for the money blown and the time lost.
First step I'm making is deleting my "crack" connections. All dealers and smoking partners. I'm changing my number.
Now is the hard part. How to not do it anymore. I may be naive and believe it can be done by sheer will power and staying busy. But damn, its been 7 damn months of this s***! I don't see myself, but I'm sure people notice that there is something wrong with me. The glossy eyes and greasy skin. I have to give this s*** up. I'm running out of chances. God is telling me the time is now to make a change and difference.
I want to recover behind closed doors. I don't want anyone knowing I am recovering from crack. That's why I'm going to be heavy on the message boards and calling narcotics anonymous. My goal is to quit cold turkey. I know i can do it. I don't have a choice.
If I relapse again, ya'll will be the first to know. I have to vent. Keeping everything in is killing me. I'm lying more and more everyday and its sickening. God exposes everything, and I want to be a drug addiction counselor by the time it does happen.
I talk a good game, but my actions for the past year have been totally opposite. Each day that goes by I keep lying to myself, my kids and the ones that care about me. Its easier said than done to turn your life around. But I will be letting everyone know how i did it...I'm determined not to fail.
I have it good compared to other recovering addicts. Again, I haven't lost everything yet. I haven't stole a thing from anyone. God blessed me with money recently and I am ashamed to admit that I spent over 1000..maybe 2000 on crack! Thats going to far. But to bring my daughter with me to cop...that's where I have to say enough is enough. It is the anger at myself for going to that extreme that's going to help me recover. I can beat myself up all day, but that's not the purpose of my post.
I associated myself with dangerous people and have recently broke free, but constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for the unknown. I've loaned out my car for crack and the opportunity to get double ups. I gave up my laptop and my kids' ipod for collateral and the damn dealer got paid but i never got my things back. I was just happy to get my car back. I rented him a car and by the grace of God they got stopped for speeding and the car was returned! I was afraid for my life and thought that that was enough for me to quit. But it wasn't.
But having my daughter with me to cop...EPIC FAIL!! I owe her more than an apology. I owe her her old daddy back! I owe her sobriety. I owe her my LIFE!! I owe her the world..my world, cleaned up, sober, strong and happy.
So feel free to respond to me..whether its negative, positive, in between. I need it in order to help others later. But right now I'm relying on you guys to help me...
|Posted by: scdad September 5, 2014, 3:54 AM|
|A lot has happened in my life since I last wrote. Cut a long story short, I decided to give up all I had and move into the Bethel House in Columbia, SC.
I've never been clean 3 months in my life. No drinks, no drugs. Just me. I'm working on quitting cigarettes too.
Biggest accomplishment was getting closer to God. Only problem is that I'm still romancing the damn habit. Good thing is the more and more I daydream, the shorter the dreams get because each time they end, it ends bad.
The program is 10 months and I intend on staying. Not easy to do, but its worth a try. My kids need me. I need me.
|Posted by: scdad March 2, 2015, 12:46 AM|
|It's been a while since I posted something on here. I've been through so much. Most of is is great. But there are also many shortcomings. I'm only here now on God's grace alone. I must put that out there. What pisses me off is how I STILL, even knowing what I know, with all my experiences STILL fell!!
My longest stretch in my life being clean ended last month. In my 8 months being clean I was able to gain more in my life than I did in years! I even admitted myself in a "treatment facility"/faith based to give it a try. I lasted there 4 months. The other 4 months I was working and staying busy. And next thing you know I'm back at the w****'s house smoking with her husband and her, but I wasn't blowing as much. I figured at the time learned how to "control" my habit "better". Then i branched off to smoking by myself. Never truly enjoying it because of paranoia and the fear of getting caught.
But the ones closest too me saw "something strange" different. So i started adjusting my schedule. And avoidance worked, but I felt myself slipping. All my so-called sponsors never returned my calls. Yes, I've been to more than one and Yes I've reached out to more than one "sponsor". No LUCK AT ALL. To me, meetings where I am are the same ol s***. It sound good on the surface, but when for some reason I make the phone calls, no one picks up or returns the call. So I am back on here.
I've been clean for a few months. Getting married soon. She knows about my addictions, but she does not know to what level it torments me daily. My whole check goes to her, but she doesn't know why I am truly insisting on her maintaining my money.
My daughter and I are still close as ever. That hasn't changed. I think back on all the times that drug had me disregard her and hurt her. Hasn't been a lot, but 1 is too much! I totally changed my environment, but still, when i craved it hard enough and long enough I went and I got it. The lies crept in again, the secret "covert missions" to score were on again. And so was the joys and pain of getting high. The regret kicked in again. Basically same ol junk.
To combat this thing I'm filling up my schedule and remaining busy and accountable. Going to the gym, and taking online classes. But what's missing is someone that I can trust and relate to. Where I'm located right now, i just keep running into people that are F.O.S. It has to be ME. Has to be. I stopped wondering why. But I still need to apply the 12 steps and work them. I have to take this more seriously. People like LarryLive true God sents.
I may never experience the level of community that most of you enjoy meeting and having a dedicated sponsor and the fellowship of NA meetings. But I can't just not do anything! I know that, but I am struggling with is me actually doing it and sticking with it! With or without drugs I have commitment issues. Not commitment in a relationship, i'm loyal in that area mostly, but its committing to an idea, a cause, God, my recovery, my dreams, goals. I just flat out HATE MYSELF at times. But I'm not suicidal. But i don't like the skin i'm in. Sometimes feels like God only keeps me around for the blessings of others. And I'm ok with that. Cuz I sure don't deserve the blessings and chances he's given me. But I just want to be the best blessing i can be to others, and I know being high won't do it.
|Posted by: scdad July 10, 2015, 5:00 AM|
|Still smoking, chasing that first high. I am a weak b**** a** man. I feel so hypocritical. May lose my job this week. I feel so full of crap. I have to work harder but will I?
I never worked hard at anything. Always found the easy route out. I am 40yrs old and I still don't have a handle on life. My wife deserves better. My daughter deserves better. And when it's all said and done so do i!
All my writings are how ibfeel at the moment and then I stop posting and reading. I don't start posting until I relapse and be compelled with guilt to share. I don't even believe myself anymore when I speak.
|Posted by: scdad July 11, 2015, 6:44 AM|
|God didn't mean for me to post what I previously written. I wasted an whole hour typing up my feelings only to lose it when I tried to save it! Anyways, I'm sure this will be a better draft.
I haven't been home to face the wife. Not sure what to do. I know I want to leave, and she wants out. But the timing of everything is so embarrassing on both ends. For crying out loud we haven't received our wedding pictures yet. We can save face, live together until the lease is up and go our own separate ways. Or I just leave next week, pay a bill or two for her and be gone all together.
I vented a lot on my lost posting, but it wasn't meant to be posted. But I will say this. My road to recover consists of personal health and improving my body, mind and soul. I must receive professional counseling /therapy as well as NA. As for my money, I pray to God that I am strong enough after losing my wife that I will save it up and eventually work with my sponsor to get houses to provide rooms for recovering addicts. I want to become a gym rat. I want this body to be so damn TIGHT and i want to look so damn good when I step out going forward. I can't go down hill from here. I have to come up! Going to have health benefits, and I need to use them. Spend my money on improving my health than giving it to the bookie and the dopeboy.
As for my daughter, I don't know how she's going to take the break up but I can't be hurting this girl no more. everything i do is inconsistent and i have no right to fight for her in court. sad but true. that has to change. I have to build myself up from nothing with God's help. I need help, and i need to help. God give me the wisdom to know how to proceed.
My blessings are right in front of me, and I have the opportunity to start all over again, on my own just me and nobody else. I hurt my poor wife, and she hurt me too, i just never said anything. She deserves better, and one way or the other, that's what i'm going to give to her. a part of me wishes she can get with her mechanic and start a happy family. And for me, i can start my life and build my life back up to par and be a part of the NA family.
|Posted by: scdad October 22, 2015, 2:04 AM|
|Did it again, this time I know its over. Relapsed after a few months. Had to lose her in order for me to get going to NA meetings. Now I can't sleep. Nightmares now. I can't get the idea out my head using, but I don't want to. I can't believe this happened to me again. Doing this to her AGAIN. I have to let her go. For me holding on is beyond selfish. I screwed up and will continue to screw up.
NA meeting members were very nice and civil vs the ones I'm used to. Feels like a blessing now but at the same time I have to commit to going EVERY MORNING. and i know how i am with commitments. Its time for me to MAN up. I lost her..can't lose anything more. Cant help others until I get over this cycle of addiction.
|Posted by: scdad January 26, 2020, 3:19 AM|
|I'm blessed to say that I'm coming up on my 6th month sober. Its not as hard as I was making it out to be once I surrendered. And yes, I reluctantly went to many groups and classes. I love Smart Recovery. Still not an NA or AA fan, but I invested in the literature. Taking it one day at a time and making effort to submitting will to my Higher Power is the main reason I've made it so long.