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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > What's Next?

Posted by: tiredandalone September 2, 2020, 5:54 AM
Hey, I'm new.

My husband is an alcoholic. I noticed it when we were in engaged. I am recently a step mom, a new mom and new wife and second wife. My emotions are a disaster already, and to add on an alcoholic husband - I don't even know how to keep going through this hell.

He had a crummy divorce and now shares two kids with his ex wife. This was his first excuse, stress from divorce and work - 3ish years ago. He would at least apologize the next morning, knowing it was slippery slope. I would approach him about it - apologies turned to 'someday I'll work on it', which turned to denial and now, resenting me when I ask or offer support, ignoring me for days. He knows and admits it's a problem, but doesn't want help and doesn't want to fix it - makes me feel that me and kids aren't worthy.

I love this man, who is when he is sober. He is not the man I feel in love in with when he drinking. He is a wonderful father and son, employee and husband, until everyone settles down for the night and his drinking begins, sometimes continuing all day on Saturdays and Sundays, drinking till unconscious and waking up to only continue to drink - 48 hours later will finally arise. Usually the latter only happens when it is just me around.

I am so angry. I have moved from being worried and compassionate, to scared and frustrated, to now, ANGRY. I don't like who I am anymore, all components of my life are failing because of his drinking. Why is my life so dependent on his actions? I thought I was stronger than this and could handle it, that it was just a phase. I am independent, but

I've read that I need to let him hit rock bottom - but I can't. He is careful - He won't endanger is employment or an accident from driving intoxicated - only at nighttime, when it is safe and in secret - when he can rely on me to care for our kids and home and security, I simply can't put my kids in harms way. I can't have them know the hell I'm going through and I can't let them experience this hell too - I have to protect them.

Any advice for a mom of a newborn and two (awesome) step kids? What kind of self-care can do with a baby attached to my hip and trying to keep with a 5 and 7 year old? While homeschooling? While working full time? What kind of fresh hell is this?

I have written letters, notes, listened to podcasts, educated myself and confided in people who care for him and I. What kind of boundaries helped your peace, wives/mamas?


Posted by: mtnmom September 2, 2020, 7:52 PM
Dear Tired, I'm sorry you are here but welcome! You can't "fix" him or force him to get treatment. So that means you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. From experience I know you can't love someone into treatment & recovery. I would suggest you get counseling for yourself. You need someone to help guide into making good decisions for your children, yourself & your future. If he chooses to include himself in the healing your family needs, that will be awesome but your life will go forward whether he gets treatment or not. Al Anon should be able to provide support for other family members of alcoholics however with Covid, you might have a hard time finding in person meetings, but contact a local chapter & see what is available. You have to start your own healing, he's not willing to be there yet so you have to do it for yourself.

Yes, it is hard but you are obviously at the end of your rope & that's why your are here. We will always listen, we will offer support & we will offer advice based on our own situations. Please feel free to talk, vent, cry whenever you need to here. LOTS of good people in different situations

Take care & you do it for yourself & your children

Posted by: Sallyana September 4, 2020, 11:30 PM
Tiredandalone it was sad to read your post because you are in the prime of your life and you have addiction in your life via your husband. It's no fun to be married to a spouse with an addiction. Its a very lonely life because he's not really present as a partner or a parent. Its very emotionally painful and abusive. If it's hurting you it's also hurting your kids, sadly.

Don't lose yourself. Work hard to find yourself again and become solid in your convictions. Value your life and treat it with respect and have healthy boundries. Just because he chooses not to get help and waste his life doesn't mean you have to. At some point you may decide you want off the 'crazy train' and that's a good thing!!