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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Partner Had Relapsed What Should I Do?


Posted by: Heyho! September 13, 2018, 2:23 AM
After 8 weeks of not drinking which is amazing, my husband has started drinking again. I know its not my fault and I equally know its his recovering. I want to respond differently this time, what's the best way to respond? He is saying I am not letting him recover because I disagree he should give up work to recover and me work and earn more. I know its not my fault but at the same time am I really stopping him from recovery? I have said of he wants to not work then so be it but I can't earn as much as him or more than my line of work will allow. I don't want to nag, I want to set clear boundaries this time what do you all suggest? Thanks in advance

Posted by: lolleedee September 13, 2018, 7:56 AM
I am an addict with 5+ years of recovery, so my perspective comes from the things I have learned in active addiction and active recovery.

First, You absolutely had no part in this relapse!!! As addicts, we alone are responsible for our recovery and are also solely responsible for navigating a relapse back to recovery! I'm glad to hear that you know you are not responsible!!!

The only way he should stop working is if he is in an inpatient program, and it should be a leave of absence. As addicts, we must learn how to stay sober in the real world and the real world consists of working among other responsibilities. While focusing on recovery is important, it is unacceptable to abandon all your responsibilities..addiction is a chronic illness, and as such, we must not only grab hold of recovery, but learn to navigate life sober. It isn't easy, but addiction does NOT give the person permission to just blow off other responsibilities! Getting our lives in order is part of a healthy recovery!

That said, what kind of treatment has your partner had for the drinking? Depending on the severity of the alcoholism, it may be advised to go to an in-patient program.

Make sure you have some healthy boundaries in place. Addiction is hard enough for those who have it, do not let it drag you down as well.

Posted by: Cordeliatolear September 13, 2018, 9:43 AM
I couldn't agree more with what Lee said.

If I were to see a red flag here it's the big ask in terms of work. I don't know the particulars, but save a leave of absence and inpatient, this could lead to further problems. Unfortunately, there are many can't leave their job for a month or so and return in good standing. I do not mean to equate the two....if he is an alcoholic, it will get worse and recovery is top priority. However, from personal experience, having time and some resources...and the specter of unemployment and additional stresses that coalesce with it, it may lead to advancing his drinking.

Was he doing any meetings, or had he stopped by himself? All the best with it, for real

Posted by: Heyho! September 14, 2018, 5:18 AM
Many thanks for both of those responses. They are incredibly helpful.

Posted by: Cordeliatolear September 14, 2018, 8:34 AM
No problem.

Posted by: NyToFlorida September 14, 2018, 11:24 PM
try SmartRecovery.org for reading about addiction, insight into understanding what you are dealing with. maybe on line meetings for you or/and your husband. maybe able to find a Local SmartRecovery meeting. actually any meetings will do. I did purchase a workbook for friends and Family. at least it helped me feel like I was doing something and reinforced things I already know and already was trying to do.

Posted by: Heyho! September 15, 2018, 2:07 PM
Thanks am already using the smart recovery site and am working though the friends and family book. Just ordered 'get your love one sober as open to any help right now!