Things That Don't Help...
Posted: June 10, 2015, 12:59 AM


Posts: 2
Joined: June 10, 2015



MNM - This is my first time here and your msg was the very first msg I read. Everything you said it so true, I do all those things trying to save my only daughter (27) it's so hard to stop the controlling, but I have pulling back and not talking and doing as much. But, what I notice is when I step back she reaches out for me, sometime for good reason and sometimes not. She will make it thru this but it will be in her own time and her way. She is so stubborn and hard headed even a child. I will print your message out and post on my mirror. THANK YOU!

PS: Just today I went and bought 3 books about addiction.:((
  Top
Posted: June 20, 2015, 11:17 AM


Posts: 1
Joined: June 20, 2015



Thank you so much for this list of "dont's". If it were a list of "do's" I'd get a A! I recognize so many of these almost compulsive behaviors as my own. You will help many restore their sanity by sharing this. Looking forward to regaining my own!
  Top
Posted: June 23, 2015, 6:40 AM


Posts: 22
Joined: May 18, 2015



thank you so much for the things you should not do post! I checked off everyone of them I have been doing the past 3 days. My son was arrested again for felony possession a few weeks ago so I have been calling rehabs, sober living houses, attorneys, landlords, and the list goes on and on .... he told me actually begged me if I bailed him out of jail he would go to rehab as soon as a bed opened up since he doesn't have insurance and then sober living, now since hes out he says he is living with his girlfriend and hes not doing any of the above...I don't know what I was thinking, he is 29 years old and I don't know why I thought this time would be different, he has 5 felonies so im sure he will do prison time im just trying to help avoid it happening again, im so devastated...im just not doing well, I cant even take his calls anymore , I just cant, im thinking of checking myself into a psych ward today because I just don't want to go on anymore, he has destroyed my will to go on...love really does hurt and he could care less what it does to me, your list is very powerful, im printing it out thank u
  Top
Posted: June 26, 2015, 9:14 AM


Posts: 7
Joined: June 16, 2015



Love this thank you for sharing!
  Top
Posted: July 7, 2015, 10:03 PM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



Like I said, I did ALL of this for a very long time. It wasn't until I stopped that things got better for all of us. My daughter reached out to me, too...when we change the steps they still want to dance.

Glad this helped someone =)

Peace to one and all ~ MomNMore
  Top
Posted: October 14, 2015, 5:34 PM


Posts: 33
Joined: March 10, 2015



It's been a while since someone bumped this up....I think it's so helpful for anyone with a drug addict in their lives to read.
  Top
Posted: October 16, 2015, 1:49 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: October 16, 2015



love your list...This is all true. Now just to put it into action.
My son is a drug addict and is in jail and will be for his 30th birthday this month.
I am trying to not have contact with him while he is in jail. He failed a drug test and for the 100th time in jail. Hope he can get better, but can't do it for him.
Thank you for your information.
Ellen
  Top
Posted: November 3, 2015, 1:01 PM


Posts: 33
Joined: March 10, 2015



Bump for Kyliebaby
  Top
Posted: February 3, 2016, 9:04 PM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



BUMP for newbies, BUMP for oldtimers who still need it...

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
  Top
Posted: February 13, 2016, 6:04 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: December 28, 2015



I read this a couple of months ago and it helped clarify some things. Since then, I've fallen back onto some bad habits, so I came back to review the topic. Again, it was very helpful. Thanks for the clarity. Determining where to draw the line is very tough and, apparently for me, requires periodic review of these types of guidelines.
  Top
Posted: February 20, 2016, 8:35 PM


Posts: 354
Joined: January 10, 2016



I keep referring to your post to keep my sanity. My son was arrested a month ago, what peace I had. I knew where he was, wasn't high or stealing. But of course he is good at emotional blackmail and works the system. He is out on three year probation. Like that is going to happen. Within a month he will have a warrant on his head. He won't contact his probation officer. Take a drug test now that's just hilarious! Our jail system at it's finest. He won't pay his probation fine, he won't do anything that he is suppose to do. Why because he thinks he is beyond the law.
And this is why our jails are crowed with habitual offenders, drug addicts. Jail is not what they need but hey I am just his mother. He is another drug addict statics!

Now he is on the streets again, and I won't sleep again because I will wait for that call, the emotional blackmail one. I am hungry. I am cold, I need I need, .
No one will help me, I can't do this. I can't get a job, I can't get an apartment. No one will hire me. He won't ask for money, he knows that won't get him anywhere, but he has learned to use words to make me feel better for sending him a few bucks.
He makes me feel terrible because he can't fend for himself, but I didn't create the problem.
Then I am mad at myself. This time is different. I have this website with all of us parents struggling to say no and it helps.
Helps me stay true to myself and say no. No matter what he throws out there. I refuse to see him, it's easier on me. He doesn't have a phone I quit paying.
Give me strength to fight my own addiction at enabling him.

Thank you for those steps. It's awful that you had to write them, but it keeps my sanity. I thank you.

Sue

This post has been edited by Helplessness on February 20, 2016, 8:40 PM
  Top
Posted: June 8, 2016, 9:37 PM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



BUMP
  Top
Posted: June 11, 2016, 2:17 AM


Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008



Ahhhhhh M&M...you always were the smartest... ..some of us have made it out...some of us didnt...some of us are still trying...but you have probably saved more of us from that one post than all the detoxs in heaven could have provided...

Con

This post has been edited by constantine on June 11, 2016, 2:24 AM
  Top
Posted: June 11, 2016, 8:16 AM


Posts: 1905
Joined: October 23, 2011



For the addict/alcoholic. Detoxes don't save us .. learning to live clean/sober saves us.

I had to change my thinking - not just quit drinking/using.

I needed a strength and direction for life and I find it in the 12 Steps.


For the family of addicts/alcoholics. Addiction/alcoholism is a family disease.
Many think they are "OK" because they don't use/drink ... and they are the sickest.

They say "The truth will set you free".
What I found was the truth was hard to find and when i did I found more work to do.

All the best.

Bob R

This post has been edited by Papa Bear on June 11, 2016, 8:22 AM

--------------------
Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.


Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous

Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line:
Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf


AA's HOW IT WORKS:
Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf


NA's HOW IT WORKS:
http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf


----------------------------------------------------------------

--- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity.

---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

... I need AA more than it needs me.

--- I fight recovery tooth and nail....
I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural.


...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know.

---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it.
Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it.


--- I didn't have a very happy childhood
but I sure am having a long one !


---Dry since 1989
working daily on getting/staying SOBER.


---If you want to drink, that's your business
...If you want to quit, that's AA's business.


... Tell me, I'll forget;
... Show me, I'll remember;
... Engage me, I'll understand.


---Most problems are psychological.
Most solutions are spiritual .


"If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego."
--Richard Rohr


WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do)
  Top
Posted: August 10, 2016, 11:23 PM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



BUMP

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
  Top
Posted: August 22, 2016, 3:57 PM


Posts: 1
Joined: August 22, 2016



HI,

I want to thank you for posting this, it's brilliant. My family and I have been dealing with my daughter's addiction on and off for 10 years. This last time has been the worst. She is currently waiting for a bed in long term treatment, should be this week. My sis is a recovering addict with 28 years clean keeps telling me that the good thing is, she keeps trying to get clean, one of these times it will stick. I don't feel hopeful after that comment any longer, but I do hope that she's right.

Anyway, I was looking for a place to feel less alone and stumbled upon this forum and there are so many posts, but I found this one. This 1 single page / post of advice has helped me more than anything else I have talked about, read, listened to others say etc... I think you are brilliant in the way it is written. I've heard these things before, but each new round of sobriety and relapse brings my world crashing in again and I lose sight of these principles.

Not anymore I totally agree with you, the best way to help her is to allow her to help herself, while I help myself heal. She is 28 years old, We have bent over backwards for her over the years, lost possessions, money, time and sanity. We've also went down the tough love route and put her out when we caught her stealing, didn't bail her out when she went to jail on a bench warrant, didn't play interference.

I used to be angry, and couldn't believe how she could do this to such great parents. Right!! I'm not angry, I really do feel sorry for her but I can't get sucked into the madness any longer. So I sent your post to her and my Husband (He needed a reality check as much as I did) along with this note. I also sent it to others that I thought could use it. It is this the thing that has made the most sense .

Dear _____
I was searching today for some advice about your situation and how it has consumed all of us. I came upon this forum and this is the first post. I think it’s brilliant. I intellectually know these things learning them over the years, but have such a hard time separating myself from your addiction that it gets lost. I especially see myself in # 3, 4, 7, 8, 11,12. Funny thing #4, I saw it as a way of showing interest in your recovery and not exerting control.
I am going to stop the madness as of this moment. I have to get my life back, I have to get my marriage back, I have to be happy again. I’m sitting here trying to think about the last time I was happy, and not completely stressed. I can’t remember and it’s my own fault.

Your life and / or lack of life is yours, you own it not me. I release you to live it, and I hope and pray you find the way. I hope one day we can look at this together and laugh about how crazy we all were to feel / be “normal”. Right now we have to accept or change our normal and I am choosing to change mine, and I’m not going to live my life around your addiction.

I love you more than you can ever imagine, I think that’s why I always tried to will my love, hope, prayers, on to you hoping that it would be enough to overcome your addiction. I know it’s not, but always kept trying. I hope one day you love yourself enough to try living instead of slowly dying.

I’m not sure I can step out of your way while you’re living at home, but am going to try. Once you get into treatment I’m sure we will all relax a little. You’re right about being home, it’s not working, you’re my daughter so I think of you that way.
Anyway, read the post, I’ll bet you can even pick out more things that we do that don’t help.

  Top
Posted: August 31, 2016, 7:42 PM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



Beautiful, you just keep on trying...we are all doing the best we can. When we know better, we do better xo

M&M

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
  Top
Posted: March 30, 2018, 7:03 PM


Posts: 970
Joined: May 14, 2015



I remember reading this a long time ago. I just dug through to find to share with someone that may find of help... Thought I'd bump up in the mean time. Thanks to MomNmore..
  Top
Posted: June 23, 2018, 2:32 PM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



BUMP
  Top
Posted: March 2, 2019, 1:49 AM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



BUMP - for those still dancing, for those still riding the not-so-merry-go-round

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
  top of page  Top