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|Message Board > Recovery Diaries > Here Is My Story, Hoping To Help A Fellow Addict|
|Posted by: BlessedJess91 November 27, 2014, 6:11 PM|
|Hi everyone. If I can reach one person through my story then that is all that matters. I've never really told my story and there is a lot more detail but im just going to explain the basics so you can understand where i am coming from so here goes....
I have been in and out of active addiction for the past five years. I was a chronic weed smoker and snorted anything i could get my hands on but I became physically dependent on opiates. My first time in recovery was after I went to rehab about two and a half years ago. I got on suboxone and attended AA/NA but was still in my addictive ways. I got my suboxone dose raised and started selling the extras. Then I thought I could just smoke weed and be fine so I weaned myself off the suboxone without even talking to the doctor and sold all the suboxone leftover, leaving myself with none. The rehab i went to that was also the program i was getting suboxone from and they wont give you your script if you fail a drug test, even weed. And since i wasnt really working my recovery and how naive i was, i thought i could handle it. Silly me. Just smoking weed lead to other things of course and I found myself back in active addiction. Then I got prescribed a different type of drug replacement to keep me off heroin.....methadone.
I was successful in staying away from everything except for weed the entire time I was going to the methadone clinic. I was seeing a counselor during that time because it was required to get the methadone. Again, I was technically clean but I wasn't actually working my recovery. I only did what I was required to get my daily methadone dose, like see a counselor at the clinic and a one hour meeting once a month at the clinic. I didn't attend a single AA or NA meeting. Although I wasn't talking to anyone I used to when I was buying drugs off the street, I was still smoking pot which was keeping me in contact with the wrong people, places, and things.
After about 4 months of being on methadone I didn't want to be like all those people I have heard about that felt like they needed to be on it for the rest of their life because their bodies became so addicted to it. I started detoxing the correct way, hoping it wouldn't eventually lead me to an opiate relapse. Over the course of about 8 months I completely detoxed off methadone, only being on it for about a year.
Only 2 weeks after I stopped going to the methadone clinic (still withdrawing pretty badly..sweats, chills, body aches) I had an appointment to get all my wisdom teeth removed because the pain was unbearable. The methadone had probably covered up how bad they were really bothering me, but once I started dropping my dose my jaw pain was so severe I had to see an oral surgeon and found that all my wisdom teeth were impacted, meaning they were growing into my jaw bone. Ibuprofen wasn't helping whatsoever and I just wanted them out so badly. I did a couple percocet 5mgs a few different days about a week before my surgery to help with the methadone withdrawls and the tooth pain but looking back I was setting myself up to fail.
After the surgery they prescribed me percocet 5mgs. Of course i didnt tell him im an addict because i knew i would be in pain and i didnt think it would lead to a full blown relapse. Again, silly me. I ran out in about 4 days, took them as directed but the pain was so severe after the surgery because of getting off methadone, all my nerves were shot and my body had no natural pain killers anymore. I went back to the surgeon because I was in so much pain, missed work for 3 weeks, I thought with the amount of pain I was in, something must be wrong. But I never really thought it was from getting off methadone and my body not knowing how to fight pain on its own. When I went back to the surgeon he gave me another script of perc5s. He told me I should be healed by then but I never told him I had just detoxed off methadone, which would've explained the severe pain I was in. Even after that script was gone I was still in severe pain, so I started buying perc 5s off the street which lead to perc 30s. Which eventually lead to snorting heroin again.
This time around I hid my drug use, from everyone. I'm sure my family and few friends I have knew but if questioned I would deny it all. The only thing I would admit to is smoking pot. I isolated myself. The only ones that truly knew I was using were the people I bought from. Once I was back in my old ways I was so unhappy. Knowing it was because of the drugs. I couldn't find my way out. I had tried to quit on my own a million times but it never worked. I was too ashamed to go to rehab a second time because I thought that would mean that I failed, even though I was already way past that.
Finally one night I got myself busted (it wasn't entirely an accident) I was ready to change my ways and find a new way to live. I was with my best friend of 4 years (who is now my boyfriend) and my sister (who is a nurse at another drug rehab in the area) and I was so high that I couldn't even keep my eyes open. Of course being the addict I am, I denied it all at the time. Saying I'm just tired and a bunch of other bulls***. My sister called my mom and told her she knew that I was f***ed up so my mom told me she would call the cops on me if I wasn't home in five minutes. My best friend followed me home and had a long talk with my mom. That was the last night I had used.
The next 4 days was me laying in bed flopping around like a dead fish trying to do it on my own. My best friend was right next to me the whole time, taking care of me as best as he could, not giving up on me,and trying to get me to go to inpatient rehab again. I kept saying no, that it would be too embarrassing, that I was too ashamed and I deserved the hell I was going through. But I finally decided on my own that rehab was the only logical answer.
My best friend drove me to the rehab I had went to previously two years before, I stayed there for 5 days to fully detox even though when I was admitted the drug test was clean because I had waited so long to check in, but I was still having extreme withdrawls. I took in as much as I could, ready to change my old ways and become a better person. Once again i am on suboxone but this time around I am working my recovery. I graduated my intensive outpatient program and am currently in a relapse prevention group. I go to 3 meetings a week and church every Sunday. I am so grateful to be given another chance at a real life. Whatever I was doing before wasn't living. I was so unhappy and I did terrible things to myself to get drugs or money, I had no respect for myself, drugs ruled my world. I am finally truly free from my active addiction. Of course I don't want to be on suboxone forever, and I know I will need to wean off of it when I feel ready, but I don't need to worry about that just yet.
Looking back, I see where I went wrong and that gives me confidence that I will not fall down the wrong path again. Today is my 90 days and I am so proud of myself. I appreciate my life now. I moved in with my boyfriend and he supports me 110%, we go to meetings together and he tries his best to understand, and he does a damn good job. I love my life now. If I can get through this mess I know anyone can, if they are serious. Don't give up, no one ever said this would be easy, but it is worth it!!!
"We are not bad people trying to get good, we are sick people trying to get well". -Narcotics Anonymous
|Posted by: BlessedJess91 June 18, 2015, 1:32 PM|
|In less than two weeks I will have 10 months clean!!! NA really works! I have started working my steps with my sponsor and it feels so good to finally be doing the right thing for myself and I have met so many other amazing addicts in recovery that I can relate to. I am so grateful for Narcotics Anonymous it saved my life and continues to keep me clean every day . We can't do this alone!! :)|