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Posts: 4
Joined: April 9, 2017
Posted: April 9, 2017, 1:18 PM
Hi, I've been trying to get clean from heroin for about 8 months. I've relapsed probably 5 times after being completely clean for about a month or so. I cannot seem to get more than 50 days! It's very frustrating having to start all over each time. I feel so weak and defeated my will power is non existent it feels. I'm trying to do everything I can do, meetings everyday, outpatient rehab 4 times a week, I have a sponser who helps me work through the 12 steps. I'll feel motivated in the beginning after coming back from a relapse and all about recovery but then I slip into the addiction mind state with cravings lasting all day and my brain keeps telling myself I'm not ready to get clean. It tells me it's not my time, I need more time doing drugs. I've been trying to get clean longer than I've been actively using! I started with pain pills after a surgery and it very quickly spiraled downward and ended with heroin. I was actively using maybe 6 months, that's why it's very hard for me to accept that I'm ready to get clean. Is it possible to not be ready? I feel like I'm just trying to use any excuse to use again. I'm so confused please let me know if you have ever felt this way. Am I just going to keep relapsing until I go back out and come back to " when I'm "done"? When I feel like this I feel like I don't even want to get sober now, I just want to get high again. It's like a light switch, recovery brain vs addiction brain. Once the addiction brain is turned on it's very hard to come back from, it's so convincing. I don't know what to believe and what not to believe!
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Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016
Posted: April 9, 2017, 5:16 PM
Hi Mandy wellcome :)
You are doing so well! Bravo! Trying ,not giving up its the most important thing us addicts can do... its hardest too, so easy to give up score and use then tomorrow the same and in no time you are 2 months down the road with big habit and burned bridges . Mandy you have people who got clean after years and years of using and they never look back, they are cravings free ,no need for H , no desire whatsoever and they for sure don't consider themselves to be addicts in recovery , for them that part of life is finished (use and recovery) I was crack user years ago and I stopped , now I don't crave for crack, I don't think about it, don't wish it or seek it so I am not in recovery, i am done with it forever ...that is how I want/need to feel about Heroin! Heroin is that drug that brought me here months ago looking for advice and I got to know some great individuals even i friended some on FB ..coming here helped me staying clean... just knowing I have people behind me who wishes me well who will pray for me its enough to make me feel giddy with goodness. God Bless them all You just need to take it slowly , you are doing right thing and you know it, reclaiming your life back! Detox is easy but recovery is long and hard but its worth it, having life that we deserve is target of mine :) you did not say do you use any medication to help you in recovery? I am on methadone 40 mills and I have Trazodone antidepressant and I smoke weed on daily bases but when I work out of my house then I will wait with smoking until i get home in the evening | ||
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Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016
Posted: April 9, 2017, 5:17 PM
what I forgot to say is you are not alone Mandy, we are here for advice and support or just to listen if you need to vent off
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Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: April 10, 2017, 12:52 PM
Mandy... ..I have done the same dance like you over and over....53 consecutive clean days in a year...best I've done so far....I just keep trying. ..I notice my runs get deeper sometimes but get shorter...I use and regret it. ..and get clean...and don't want to be...so use....I get it...maybe I'm not ready...maybe I'm not done...etc etc...I just keep going to my mtgs....an keep trying. ..take it one day at a time...cuz.....one day I believe it will get easier. ..doubt I will ever NOT want to use...but not doing so...well...that's a different thing....hang in there. ..don't over think it...keep working your program and keep trying. ..we get there when we get there. .. | ||
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Posted: April 11, 2017, 2:58 AM
Hi Mandy.I hear you on that. I used crack and coke for 13 years and used heroine to bring me down at the end. Wasn't doing it everyday. Plenty of binges.Then I was stuck on just heroine for a bit over 2 years.
The thing that made me finally want to stop is first loosing my job. Then going through my small savings and then selling anything I had that would sell. Always being sick and having to work for a work today get paid today slave work. Sometimes working while I was dope sick. Worried if I'll eventually turn to crime..I couldn't cross that line.getting garbage dope at times cause none of your dealers are available. What a chaotic life. Other things too like health and things I can't remember. So maybe you do need more time using and when your sick of the BS that goes along with it then put it in the past.But your so close.Keep fighting it bud! Remember it's Russian Roulette were playing here.I'd suggest if you must use be safe about it. Use small amounts.and if you puck that's the first sign of getting close to a overdose. If you think you can't feel the high have some pot. Be careful with pot it can make you feel very sick after using heroine.but at least you will know to stop using that day.And you'll have H left over. Sorry for long rant. Peace. | ||
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Posts: 4
Joined: April 9, 2017
Posted: April 11, 2017, 11:06 AM
Bonnie5- yes I am on suboxone but it doesn't really do much. But it is reassuring knowing that when I take it I can't get High.
Thank you everyone for responding. I will try to take the suggestions. Good luck to all of you | ||
Posts: 243
Joined: August 18, 2016
Posted: April 11, 2017, 5:12 PM
Hi, Mandy! As a fellow addict (now in recovery) I can relate to ever feeling in your post! I have been fighting this disease for 17 years. I did inpatient rehabs, short detoxes, 12 step progams and Suboxone three different times. I was never able to put more than a week or two of clean time together. I was in counseling for many years, but felt unable to make changes when my mind and body were screaming for opiates. I was unable to even put in the basic recovery footwork.
Out of desperation and being tired of the cycle of sickness, searching, scoring, scamming, lying and then using again...my life and relationships were falling apart...I started methadone treatment. My only regret with methaone is that I waited so long to try it due to the stigma that surrounds it. I wish I had just listened to my gut and started sooner. If I did, I am 100% positive I could have mitigated some of the damage that my addiction caused. Whether methadone is right for you has to be a decision you make with input from the clinic doctor. Only you know what is right for you. I have to mention that when I was on Suboxone, it did NOT take away my cravings at all! It actually didn't take away all of my physical withdrawal symptoms. That might be due to the size of my habit. I started in pain management after a horrible horseback riding accident and had multiple surgeries and I was on a ridiculous amount of pain meds. I would also run out and supplement with heroin. I have found that most people who are on Suboxone usually (though not always) have smaller habits. For some people, it seems like suboxone just works well with their chemistry...everyone is different. Methadone, for me, kept my body and mind from screaming for drugs and allowed me to get a recovery plan in place. Methadone is a tool. It needs to be paired with counseling and anything else you find helpful. You mentioned going to 12 step programs. If they help you, then I encourage you to keep going. There are many other non 12-step groups out there if the 12 stepps aren't your thing. I personally attend SMART recovery which is based on Cognitive behavioral therapy. There is also LifeRing, SOS (secular orgaanizations for sobriety), WFS etc. It may take a while to find what works for you. I am so sorry that you are struggling. I think every addict has that battle in their head of "do I really want to stop". It is true that it helps to be ready, but even if you aren't sure, it will never hurt to start using recovery tools, even if you are actively using. There will be a day when you decide you want out and you will already have your feet wet! I wish you all the best! Keep coming here for support! Lots of great people on here! | ||
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Posted: May 2, 2017, 3:05 PM
You'll know when ur ready to get clean sometimes it takes several times to go back out there then you'll get so sick of it you'll stop or your higher power will intervene and put u in a situation where u have no choice but to quit. The fact that your trying to stop Is a good thing. When I used for almost 4years I got like a month of clean time total. So don't feel bad. Then I finally got so tired of the insanity after hitting rock bottom and I quit. You can do this you can quit when u are ready to
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Posted: May 10, 2017, 4:31 AM
Mandy,
You're a fighter and a warrior. You already have the first step down. You're being honest with yourself. Sometimes that's the part that messes with us the most. You know exactly what makes it hard for you. I'm here to let you know that you're ready. As soon as you came to this website and typed that post, you were ready. If you ever feel like you're not, it's okay. We are HUMAN! It's okay to feel defeated, weak and exhausted. It will come with time, honesty, and persistence. My boyfriend is currently struggling and I wish that he would search these forums and find that there are people just like him doing so well. Wish you best of luck in your recovery. Baby steps girl, you got this. M | ||
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Posted: June 6, 2017, 3:41 PM
Get on methadone. I was the exact same way, was not ready to get clean for the longest time. But eventually you'll hit a point where you'll want to..and its probably a good idea to not wait for that point cuz a lot of bad stuff is gonna happen between now and then. The struggle of being an active addict is not fun and the lifestyle will get old. Constantly looking for dope and money and dealing with those awful withdrawls the days your dry. I wasn't totally ready to get clean when I went to the methadone clinic but I was really ready to not be dope sick anymore or spend all my money on f***ing dope. And in the long run, it was the BEST choice I ever made!!
Save Yourself. | ||
Posts: 5
Joined: June 7, 2017
Posted: June 7, 2017, 5:35 PM
Yes I have felt this way before. All this is, is your disease of addiction trying to trick your brain to keep you back out there using. Sometimes its a good idea to put yourself somewhere that you know you cant leave or wouldn't leave. I've heard of others going to treatment out of state and only buying a one way ticket to keep yourself there. Or, depending on your insurance I now there's a place in Tennessee that will pay for your way back home if you complete their program. Best wishes to you and just keep coming! You are worth this and you deserve recovery!
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Posts: 86
Joined: April 16, 2014
Posted: June 17, 2017, 3:52 PM
Yes, this is possible and anyone can dot it.
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Posts: 4
Joined: October 31, 2017
Posted: October 31, 2017, 5:58 PM
Being and getting clean is a process and a struggle. But it's a good struggle, the good fight! Keep it up. It's worth it when you get there!
-------------------- Finally... freedom! 
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Posted: February 20, 2018, 2:57 PM
I would advise people to not let themselves get in the mindset of being in perpetual recovery. If you can manage to get and stay clean for a period of time sufficient enough to overcome the cravings and so on its time to move on and wipe the term recovery from your vocabulary as it applies to you.
It's really not the same as having a baby and being in recovery afterwards.. I've met more than a few people who have been clean for long periods of time and even though they've been clean for ten, twenty and more years they'll insist they're still in recovery till their dying days.. That's just my take on things.. It may vary from individual to individual.. | ||
Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: February 26, 2018, 7:13 PM
I agree with you XYZ. Why should someone constantly have to remind themselves? Haven’t they suffered enough? Or does it help for them to be in constant recovery. I guess everyone is different. I’ve never been on drugs so I can’t walk in anyone’s shoes that have.I just have great respect for the ones who manage to make it out of that hell.
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