Please Help
Posted: January 13, 2019, 5:36 PM

Posts: 1
Joined: January 13, 2019

I don't really know where to start. I met my boyfriend 6 years ago when he was homeless on the streets. He was my first glimmer of hope and acceptance after dealing with self harm, suicide attempts, rape, and crippling depression since I was 13 years old. Some thing just drew me to him. He was kind and giving even on the darkest days and would give you the shirt off your back without giving it a second thought. Something just drew me to him, I couldn't stop thinking about him. He had something inside him that burned so bright even under the weight of things no one would have survived. He accepted my darkest deepest demons. He made me feel like I wasnt worthless. At first he said he wanted help, that we could help each other. But the lies, violence, and manipulation became too much. After I got pregnant he became more toxic than before. I didn't want to raise a child in a world like this. Where their mom was a bloody mess who spent most of the day staring off in to the distance. Trapped in her body and their dad slowly killed himself. He told me he would kill me if I left, if I didn't have his baby. But I ran anyways. I always wanted a baby, and my dreams are filled with little eyes like his. Even all these years later. He said he'd leave my phone number on his body so the police would call me when they found him. So i would be the one that would have to call his family and tell them that it was my fault he was dead. A year later he called me and told me he was clean. I thought I had a second chance at the life I always wanted. I moved across the country for him. I left every thing behind. And I thought I could finally be happy. It was so great again, my scars faded and I felt like we could make it. But tides shift and here I am again. 2 years of lies and hiding. It broke me. I have nothing left. I've tried to hard to help him. Given him every part of myself on the hope that it could help. Hes supposed to start suppressants tmrw and get clean. But I'm finding myself so numb, I can't feel anything. I don't know how to help him anymore. I feel like I have no hope left to give. I'm trying to be strong but I feel so helpless. I think I spent so long putting him over me that somewhere along the way I lost my will to live. I know he needs me now, maybe things could be different. Maybe things could change. But I can't find it in myself to feel hope. I don't know what to do.
Posted: January 13, 2019, 8:52 PM

Posts: 315
Joined: November 16, 2017


I am glad you found this place. First of all, realize your feelings are very normal. You have been hurt, mistreated and betrayed. It is normal to feel numb and suspicious and not have much hope. I am glad he is trying to get clean, but you do not have to stay to help that process. He has to do it on his own.

I don't know the right course of action but abuse is never okay and he will have to learn ways of interacting that are not abusive otherwise he'll/you both will slip back into old patterns.

You are in a tough spot and have been through a lot. Do you have support? Have you tried meetings or a domestic violence shelter? Even if you don't want to stay there, they have counseling and groups. Please take care of yourself and put yourself first. That is not selfish. It is loving for all involved.
Posted: January 14, 2019, 11:10 AM

Posts: 182
Joined: December 23, 2018

Please do not be afraid to seek help!! I know it is new & scary & you don't know where to turn, but please, please find a place to help you & help you feel better. Asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness!!
Posted: January 14, 2019, 10:11 PM

Posts: 450
Joined: November 9, 2018

Please know that you are not helpless even though you may feel helpless. You can't deny what you know to be true and you state very clearly in your post how toxic he is and the relationship is so unhealthy you are starting to question yourself. You deserve to be happy and live a healthy life. If you left him before you can leave again. Just be safe and take good care of you. Please keep us posted if you can.
Posted: January 15, 2019, 12:24 PM

Posts: 176
Joined: December 21, 2018

Learned the hard way time and age don't change people as much one would think. Change comes from change itself. That includes the motivation to change along with the all the associated variables. Unless he really really wants to change putting on a show or appeasing someone is not change. Second chances are one thing but there are lines that are simply not crossed.

Safety first.
Posted: January 15, 2019, 3:33 PM

Posts: 6
Joined: November 27, 2018

You DO have worth. You were strong for your baby when it counted and left. You gave him a chance when you reconciled and you will not sped the rest of your life wondering and wishing. You must be strong for your baby. Is there family or someone strong and safe that you can go to? You have made the first step, but there are more steps that will hurt. Have you considered a possible restraining order if lies and hiding are turning violent? Is there a shared custody agreement? If you share you may need to report anything that will help our case to have sole custody.

Finally, when the chaos and confusion become less, look into therapy. Some state agencies are not always top notch, but they can be better then nothing sometimes- be discerning though. Although people sometimes say that therapy hurts in child/parent cases, from my experiences it doesn't as long as you do not make threats toward yourself or anyone else.

Good luck, and use this board as sounding as much as you need to stay sane. We are all going through something, so at least you wont feel alone.

You don’t get over an addiction by stopping using. You recover by creating a new life where it’s easier to not use. If you don’t create a new life, then all the factors that brought you to your addiction will catch up with you again
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