Descent Back Into Hell...
Posted: October 7, 2009, 8:53 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Anyway, my beef, I suppose, isn't really a big deal. My daughter has over 3 years clean and I know - I KNOW - I need to be thankful for that. It's just that sometimes I feel like she is draining me. Her boyfriend moved in with her 2 months ago and now he moved out last weekend and she is devastated beyond words. He left, she cried and cried, she called her sponsor and many of her NA support friends...and me. After several days and her heartache wasn't getting better, she said she just feels like going out and getting something to numb the pain (heroin). She shared more than I cared to hear and it really left me sick to my stomach.

I sunk to such a low wondering if she was going to go out there again or not. The whole thing just made me mad. Mad at myself, once again, for "wondering" and mad that she felt like she could just run from the pain. What the f*@!!! I had to face my pain head-on!!! I was really really mad at how she was behaving - I didn't even care about her "heartache." I was pissed. How many of us have to deal with the pain and s*** (excuse my language!) that life and our addicts send our way and you're gonna tell me that you want to numb your pain. F**!! that - that's how I was thinking!! I got so mad.

Hell, I want to live my life! I lived with my parents, then a husband that was abusive and then raising my kids and now I'm still messing with dealing with her! After some ranting and raving and torment within myself, I talked to God and got myself grounded. The thing is - I can live my life. I'm letting "her" control me again and that has to stop. Yes, I am thankful she talks to me, but she cannot control me - I let her and I have to work on myself. I also know that as long as I am a mother, some of my life is always going to belong to her. And that is the tightwire I am walking.



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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: November 12, 2009, 2:53 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



How quickly we can soar from up to down. How quickly our thoughts can sweep us away into a place where we don’t really need to go. Do we ever get to that place where we are in total control of our thoughts, our emotions, our fears?

You see, I used to think that’s where I needed to be. But, in reality, I realize that’s a place I don’t really ever want to go either. I don’t want to ever be so unfeeling or so uncaring that my fears don’t scare me, that my emotions don’t overwhelm me or that my thoughts don’t stray into those dark places. I need to cry and I need to laugh and I need to be a little scared now and then. That’s what keeps me grounded, it keeps me in my proper place.

The thing I’ve learned, is that I just don’t need to ever again let those things stop me from living.


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: April 14, 2010, 7:32 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



A parent shouldn't have to accept death or jail for their child. Honestly, how bizarre does that sound to the everyday folks? You know the folks I'm talking about...those lucky ones who haven't had addiction steal their children. The "experts" say addiction is a brain disease and yet, as parents of children afflicted with this disease, we cannot do a thing to treat them. What would the "lucky ones" say about that! They would never understand...I can barely understand! Yet, I know, the thing that seems the most incomprehensible to a parent is exactly what we must do...let go, and sometimes that means we can't even let them in our home, in what was once their home! Man, sometimes I just don't get it.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: July 12, 2010, 11:52 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Sometimes I get this visual in my head....like we are passengers on the Titanic. The vessel is addiction and we all hop on board, some seeking to use, some seeking to save...and all of us trying desparately to stay afloat. It breaks my heart to see an addict frantically struggling to stay alive, but just can't let go of that vessel that seems destined to pull them under. And there we are, the parents who love them so much, trying in our fraility and naivety to hang on to them. Godspeed to us all.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: August 28, 2010, 12:38 AM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I'm tired. I'm tired of this disease and I just wish I could walk away from it. Why can't I have a normal life - like my sisters. They don't have to concern themselves with the choices their adult children are making because their adult children don't make choices with the mind of an "addict." But, there I go and therein lies my problem surfacing once again....I don't have to concern my self with the choices of my adult child. Key word: ADULT. Geez, why can't I start acting like one???????

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: November 20, 2010, 8:21 AM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



We think we have it together. We think we are maintaining. We've let go of our addict and we've accepted - to the point we can - that the outcome of their disease may be death or something worse, if that's even possible. We think we are okay.

But then their world crashes down and so does ours. We do not have it together and we definitely are not maintaining and we are trying to scoop our addict up and save them from themselves. And now we are not okay.

So how do we know if we really do have it together? How do we know we are really maintaining and that we've truly let go of our addict? Do we have to wait until their world crashes down, and it will, before we know if our world will crash down, too?

I can't wait for that to happen. I have to know that I am okay and that no matter what, that co-dependent nature does not surface just to pull me down. I have to know that I can love while letting go. It's not an easy place to get to, but I know it's where I need to be, it's where I want to be.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: November 30, 2010, 9:46 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Well, my daughter has re-established ties with the boyfriend who introduced her to heroin. Thanks Facebook! My sick self is manifesting; I can feel it and I hate how it feels. We have a shared phone plan so I already looked up to see how much she talks to him and I felt immediately sick afterwards. But, this time I told my daughter what I did and I didn't feel good about it and that I really thought it best we each had our own phone plan and she agreed. I'm glad I did that, though, 'cuz in the past, I would have NEVER wanted that to happen - how would I keep track of what she's doing???

I am trying to figure out how to handle this situation and I must confess, I need help...in more ways than one!!!

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: March 23, 2011, 11:55 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Well, I have my own phone line now and am all the better for it. I'm in a good place and I don't want to leave it. Sometimes, though, I can't help it.

Somewhere on this board, someone once said to me that I may be experiencing Post-traumatic stress disorder. I thought to myself that I haven't been to war...but I have. Most parents of addicts have been there, too. I think what we have to remember is that even though we may not get it right every time, even though we may lose a few battles, as long as we can learn from those battles, we can know that we will eventually win the war and we will know peace.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: April 22, 2011, 7:08 AM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Right now there are three little children under the age of 5 living their lives in a seedy hotel room...where the alcoholic drug-abusing father who beats the mother is NOT supposed to be, but he is because the "mother" loves him. Instead of playing in the sun and running through the grass and laughing, the children cower in fear and the curtains are drawn in an attempt to hide their painful existance from the world.

Yet, I post about how addiciton has affected MY life?? How whacked is that!

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: September 8, 2011, 9:54 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Our faces are different, our lips, our noses, our chins...but our eyes are all the same - mirroring the pain that burns in our heart. We are different, but we are all the same - touched by addiction in ways that many of us could not have imagined in our worst nightmare. No parent should have to find their child slumped over with a bloody needle dangling from their arm or neck. No parent should have to hear about their daughter or son selling their body for a bag. We are all different, but we are all the same as we go thru the motions of life, desperately looking for a way to survive this horror that has touched our lives.

I say Godspeed to us all.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: September 29, 2011, 6:39 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Tell me, please! Why do they run, why! What is so appealing about that black hole that addicts are hell-bent on running into. I just don't get it! Addiction is a disease that no matter how much I read about it, hear about it, talk about it, I cannot and will not ever fully comprehend.

And, honestly, how does a parent stand silently by while their child is slowly dying - some of us don't, some of us run right into that black hole behind them, leaving our life behind and all that we loved.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: October 5, 2011, 8:52 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Sometimes all you can do is stand in the rain and let the waves of torment and fear pound away at your heart, until the waves topple you over. It is then, when you will either drown or not. I know. I almost drowned.


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: November 4, 2011, 8:24 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Some days, I'm just so tired and I just don't understand. Some days, I just can't put one foot in front of the other, some days, I just have to stand still for a moment...and I know that's okay.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: November 23, 2011, 11:31 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



It's Thanksgiving Eve. A time when we reflect on those things for which we can be thankful. I am thankful for today and I will relish every moment. I am thankful I have both parents, both children and all my sisters and brother still with me. I am thankful to have a home to go to that will be filled with love and laughter and football and turkey. Yes, all is well in my world...today.

May God pour out His blessings and hope and strength to those whose world is not so good today. May He hold them in the palms of His hands, gently comforting and soothing their tired hearts, and filling them with hope. Amen.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: January 1, 2012, 7:13 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



The pain that we go through, the hurt we endure, I just wish for 2012 that it could all go away. But, it won't. Maybe for some, but when it ends for one, it begins for another. The best we can do and what we need to do is to share the hurt, to share the "load" because in doing so, we are helping those who are just beginning their descent.

This post has been edited by MotherW on January 2, 2012, 12:50 AM

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: February 24, 2012, 1:51 AM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Enabling...me?? Enabling...I really hate that word. It's such a little word, really, but it's impact is overwhelming, possibly life-changing. To me, it's like a crooked finger, extended and pointing directly at my heart. I don't know, I just think it's a word that is so loaded with definitions and interpretations and excuses...and pain. Yet, it seems to roll of the tongue so deftly...enabling...it almost sounds pretty...but it's not.


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: June 22, 2012, 8:23 PM


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Joined: January 5, 2005



A mother's heart is amazing! It's capacity for unconditional love for their child is incomprehensible. And to think that something as beautiful as that love is, it is also the very thing that can drop a mother to her knees, in inconsolable pain. Nothing we can do to change that - it just is.


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: December 12, 2012, 10:23 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



'Tis the season to be jolly......NOT! Too many mothers' souls are in anguish as the Christmas lights twinkle while their child is copping and shooting up God only knows where. I don't know, it's just harder to bear when all that frickin' joy is around! I walked in those same shoes not so long ago...lifeless and empty albeit, the frenzied, anxious fear that had taken over my soul. So for now, I will in my own way, hold them up in the only way I know how and that is with prayer and hope...Godspeed, dear moms, Godspeed.


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: March 6, 2013, 1:04 AM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I can't help but look in amazement at those moms (and dads) who have a child in active addiction, a child still out there ravaging their body, mind and soul with any mind-altering substance they can find, yet these parents smile, laugh, shop, vacation, breathe...live. Some may perceive them as an oddity of sorts. I mean, should you really be smiling, laughing, shopping, vacationing, breathing, otherwise, living, while your child is quite possibly shooting a lethal dose of heroin or meth or speedball into her arm, leg, neck or any other usable vein they can find?

Depression nearly choked the life out of me when my daughter was using. I did not smile, laugh, shop, vacation, breathe or live...I existed, and not very well at that! To those parents who have found a way to embrace life while a piece of their heart is crumbling, I say to you, thank you! Thank you for smiling, laughing, shopping, vacationing, breathing, living ... because then I knew I could, too!

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: October 10, 2015, 7:50 AM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I can't believe it's been years since I've posted! Well, I'm here and reporting that I still work at this no co-dependency thing - can you believe it! Folks, it really is one day at a time. I don't know if my daughter is clean or not as of today, or maybe I do. My gut tells the truth and it tells me something ain't right...but, on the upside, I'm not obsessing...I'm living!

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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