Why Don't They Want It?
Posted: March 18, 2019, 11:33 PM


Posts: 462
Joined: November 9, 2018



I have a hard time understanding why they don't want sobriety enough to do what it takes. I can only think how awful everything is in their life. Why don't they want to make positive choices toward a better life? I understand the addiction, I guess I don't understand why they just get more and more miserable. Any thoughts you may have are appreciated.
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Posted: March 18, 2019, 11:58 PM


Posts: 6
Joined: October 11, 2018



Oh, do I understand the anguish and the heartache! We as parents want more than they can desire from life. It is so hard to let this go. Tonight, I watched my son come in and I know that he is using again. The classic signs remain...no self care with showering or eating regular meals and the occasional guilt help with the dishes to distract us from the truth. He has 5 legal cases pending and doesn’t seem to care about the outcome. My heart breaks everytime I see him and I hate that I wish that I didn’t see him. Being exposed to their reality on a daily basis is so hard. No words of wisdom just another mother in the trenches of the heartbreak of life with an addict.
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Posted: March 19, 2019, 2:29 PM


Posts: 188
Joined: July 6, 2018



I received a text from my daughter ,saying she wants to get sober. She is currently going to IOP and therapy. The therapist suggested she go back to rehab,her PA that prescribes her meds asked her to go back to rehab.
But still she refuses. She hates her life, she hates how she looks,hates that she is estranged from her family,wants to get sober......but refuses to do what needs to be done. Makes me crazy.
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Posted: March 19, 2019, 6:26 PM


Posts: 316
Joined: November 16, 2017



I don't know, of course.

I believe some of it is that once they get so bad, with the issues they have with their mental health, it makes it tremendously hard to change. What I mean is that they hurt their health, their relationships, their looks, their jobs...and then most have mental health issues (depression, anxiety, bipolar) on top of. So, it would be hard enough to overcome if you were a mentally strong person. Then, toss in withdrawals, how addiction changes the pleasure centers of the brain...Addiction to the process and the lifestyle. For an active addict, sobriety seems "boring" and they can get addicted to the lifestyle, as well. My son told me he loved the paraphenalia and the process as much as the drugs. I could relate a little because I smoked cigarettes as a teenager. I felt that way, for sure. What a mix.

It is possible and none of this is an excuse. In my opinion, we need what we don't have. Affordable, expert, long-term rehabilation. This revolving door of a few days here and then out the door and then onto something else....not effective.

I still firmly believe they can do on it on their own if they have the desire. I have seen it with some friends. In the end, they have to want it. And, it is easier to stay in the crap.
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Posted: March 20, 2019, 10:07 PM


Posts: 462
Joined: November 9, 2018



Thanks all for sharing your thoughts. My daughter who has always adored me has become angry and bitter towards me which is totally new behavior for her. She is blaming me for the sh*t show her life has become. I've always been available to her and support her emotionally and tried to be understanding. I'm so done with all this crap (sorry) it's soooo fu*ked up I can't deal with it anymore. This has been going on for 10 years now...ugh.!
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Posted: March 20, 2019, 10:09 PM


Posts: 462
Joined: November 9, 2018



I'm really sick and tired of it.
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Posted: March 21, 2019, 9:43 AM


Posts: 1552
Joined: June 27, 2016



The ups and downs of the roller coaster. It is so stressful. Watch YouTube videos . See if you can find ‘stages of addiction’. Keep telling her to talk to someone in her support group. Such as therapist, social worker, etc. keep it simple. And be less available.
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Posted: March 22, 2019, 6:11 PM


Posts: 70
Joined: December 26, 2018



SALLYANNA - Sorry your daughter's behaviour has changed. I think it's a consequence of the drugs. My son was angry in the summer, but now he is the complete opposite. It's strange and unpredictable.
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Posted: March 22, 2019, 7:25 PM


Posts: 462
Joined: November 9, 2018



Thank you for the info NTF and Yellowbirds I sure hope she switches back. Yes a rollercoaster and unpredictable for sure.
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Posted: March 23, 2019, 1:29 PM


Posts: 182
Joined: December 21, 2018



I don't think it's so much not wanting sobriety in that they fear change. Most addicts and alkie their chemical and associated lifestyle become THE priority in their life. That's all they know. They are afraid of change. Many have been doing so long they can't even a picture a sober life.

I think some of these programs realize that. If you take away the chemical you have to put something back in it's place. It could a new way of life/program, a religion, a job, family etc but when that chemical goes something must take it's place. If not they'll put the chemical right back in their life.

There are so many variables though. The addict and supporters must learned to read and act on those variables. Remember it's not just about removing the chemical from their life it's putting something back in it's place, hopefully a better quality and more acceptable way of life.
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Posted: March 23, 2019, 1:46 PM


Posts: 462
Joined: November 9, 2018



I agree with you samegame. They have to replace their addictive activities with healthy activities. If they have been addicted for a long time they have to practice and relearn. It may seem 'boring' to them because they live in chaos most the time.

This post has been edited by Sallyanna on March 23, 2019, 1:47 PM
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Posted: March 25, 2019, 10:20 PM


Posts: 462
Joined: November 9, 2018



My daughter has switched back to her sweet self and I'm so relieved. Sometimes I wonder if they 'black out' and don't realize what they say or they just get so frustrated, IDK. I really hope she decides to go back to detox then rehab soon. It's her choice and I hope she'll choose help over chaos. Just wanted to give an update.
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Posted: March 26, 2019, 2:48 PM


Posts: 316
Joined: November 16, 2017



In general, we have to face all the days sober. Because they are high or drunk, they don't fully experience it. My son does not remember the very terrifying times we had when he was on spice. He is doing better than those days. I don't bring it up often, but I will clarify if he says something stupid about how things were that bad. I shared here that I was sleeping with mace. He needs to know this. Although, I don't think they ever really comprehend how bad it is/was because they weren't really "present". They are still responsible for it, though. Responsible for the effects on those around them.
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Posted: March 26, 2019, 6:56 PM


Posts: 462
Joined: November 9, 2018



I totally agree with you Parenting2. They are responsible for their behavior 24/7 no matter what.
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Posted: March 26, 2019, 7:50 PM


Posts: 122
Joined: December 30, 2018



Addict mom merry go round I agree with you I feel the same the addict could have so much but they have nothing, I have a feeling my son pawned his phone, fishy there, we just know when things aren't right, also my son is the same, sometimes I think aren't you getting showered, never comes home starving like boys do, ( always opening fridge and pantry) some one once told me its depression that, no self care, which I can relate to, when I was having a hard time, my self care was none exsistent, couldent be bothered showering etc, this is a guy he would shower twice a day, then he will do a job, or say I'll do that for you ( sometimes it gets done) like you a guilt trip for them, at the end of the day with or without us they are going to live there life's , really stories I read the successful ones do a long time rehab and work a program, rehab is to expensive here,take care
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Posted: March 26, 2019, 9:45 PM


Posts: 186
Joined: December 23, 2018



SallyAnna - I feel the same way!! I do NOT understand it. My son has never been as angry at his family as he is this time. Maybe his ex-wife took all his anger & he could hide it from us. But now she has divorced him so I guess we get all of his anger...
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Posted: March 27, 2019, 7:16 AM


Posts: 2246
Joined: March 23, 2006



oh my beautiful people, you are trying to understand addiction with logic and reason. This doesn't work because addiction is not logical or reasonable. it doesn't conform to any of the norms you understand and live by.

It is a form of insanity.

I truly don't believe it is possible to understand the nature of addiction/alcoholism unless you have personally experienced it. The alcoholic mind or the addict mind and thinking must seem truly incomprehensible from the outside.

Idgie

--------------------
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:27

May the Force be with you.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should just get used to the idea....Robert Heinlein.

You can spend the next 24 hours reaching your true potential or sliding down into your own particular hell. the choice is always yours.
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Posted: March 27, 2019, 7:24 AM


Posts: 122
Joined: December 30, 2018



Idgie my sons actually said that to me before, " you don't understand until you've been through it" sometimes I've said I understand, and he has said no you don't mum, you don't know what ime thinking, they don't think logical like us,
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Posted: March 27, 2019, 4:16 PM


Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008



Well said Idge...

Con
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Posted: March 27, 2019, 4:37 PM


Posts: 188
Joined: July 6, 2018



Today my daughter was texting a fellow addict. Telling this friend that he should go to rehab. Both of them say they don't want this life any more.
When I pointed out to my daughter that she too should go to rehab she looked confused. " I'm getting better ,mom "
It drives me crazy. We say we can't help them til the they want it. The problem is they cant even see it.
I want to lock her away for about a year till her brain clears.
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