So 8 Years Later
Posted: September 27, 2012, 4:54 AM

Posts: 8
Joined: September 26, 2012

Im a new poster here ive been a lurker for a couple of months reading peoples storys about how horrible it feels going through withdrawels and to be honest I didn't want to remember that so I stayed off the boards,but I thought i'de post and say how things have been for me since I stopped using heroin.
I was heroin dependant for 11 years I choose the word dependant because I after 11 years you are totally dependant on the drug to even you allow to eat or drink normally I'de started using back in 1995 when i was around 15 years old there wasn't any problems with heroin back then so I managed to keep it under wraps for about 4 years i had a pretty good job working with a family member fitting bathrooms and made around £70 a day which was a decent wage back in the 90's especially for somebody in they're teens so I didnt have to resort to any unsavory behaviour to fund my habit then in july 1999 my dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and he died in august 2 months later but in those 2 months things kind of fell apart I came clean to both my parents about my addiction but at the time things were so up the air it kind of got brushed under the carpet,then 1 sunday afternoon I hear mum shout me for help dad had started to hemorage,he knew he was dying he said so right then and there and I knew it but mum didnt after speaking to the person who answered my 999 call that had told me what to expect I asked mum to go and wait out side for the ambulance because she didnt need to see what was going to happenand and I had to make my peace with a dad that ide fought with from day 1 he never hit me but he had a nasty mouth but at the end we made our peace and I know we were alright,he died after losing approx 5 pints of blood in under 3 minutes and coughed his lungs out of his mouth but I didn't know they were lungs untill the paramedics told me because they were so eaten away with the cancer,so in come my 3 half sisters from mums previous marrage,they were here to save the day make everything better because thats what familys do when something like this happens,right? wrong the first words out of my youngest sisters mouth were "you better get that blood cleaned up so mum doesn't see it" I let that coment slide I was then given the honor to go and tell my grandma that another 1 of her 3 sons had died,the other dying of pnumonea a week prior to my birth so when things calmed down a bit a couple of hours later mum happily stoned on vallium that the doctor gave her to settle her down my youngest sister thought it wise to share her thought's on the whole matter and she made it clear and my other 2 sisters soon followed suit in saying that ide finished my dad off when i came clean about my habit,emotions being high I let that comment slide aswell then she went a step to far and said that if ide not of been a junkie i would have been able to think straight and keep my dad alive long enough for them to save him,that comment I couldnt let slide because I knew damn well that there was nothing me or the best surgen in the world could do to save a man whose lungs were on the outside of his chest,so after me having my say the day ended, 3 days later I was asked if i'de go and identify his body because it was a sudden home death so I do what I have to also collecting his belongings which were a wedding ring a signat ring and his tobacco,I didnt know at the time but he had a £20 note his shirt pocket which was blood soaked cut off and burnt which i told mum and she accepted but not my youngest sister she had her own idea's and they were that id'e stole the money from my dads body even though she was by my side every second,I guess you can see where this is going,fast forward after the funeral mum decides she want to move away and live in the town were her daughters are a good 30 miles from where i grew up and had friends,and I needed to score so I do what any self respecting addict would i find the roughest part of town and problem solved a few weeks went past and I said to my brother in law I wanted to start back to work but he nolonger wanted to work with somebody that had a heroin addiction even though I was same person he'd very happily worked with for the past 4 years,and thats when the problems really started with little or no income i had to resort to more unsavory means of getting money,now i never robbed anybody I never stole from shops I didnt have the guts my speciality was blagging I could convince people to give me money for just about anything,ide of made a great sales man if I could of got a job in the run down old coal mining town, as the weeks rolled into months the months into years my old friends had got on with there live's ide made some new friends every single 1 of which was an addict or a dealer I started to get fed up with the arguing and fighting over money because I was still living at home as my mums primary carer because she is a pretty sick woman so me and my drug worker started looking at detox programs and rehabs,at a rough guess i went through 10 detox programs 1 of which cost £3,500 to be put to sleep for 5 days and is the worst thing that ever happened to me i also spent my fair time in most of the UK's rehabs and after 11 years countless detox and rehab failures trying tyring subutex back when it first started to be used in the UK,my worker suggested stabalising me on methadone,forget about the detox for now lets get you stable he said and off the street drugs because by this time my next option was diamorphine ampule's and I didnt want that ide saw some of the old timers in withdrawel from that stuff and its nasty,so we chose harm minimisation instead of detox, so I get put on a 120ml a day methadone maintenace program and it was the best thing that happened I did continue use for a couple of months after but thats expected,and I stayed at home for a few weeks thinking about things being back to normal now I was off heroin,6 months past and I realised that non of my family was talking to me still I had no friends they all had theyre own lives the only people I knew were dealers and users so I sit back and wait another 6 months my nephews finaly get to an age when they make they're own desicions and they want to see me which was champion because we always got on well but still no sisters or other family or friends,pretty soon 4 years had past and I think ide left the house maybe a dozen times,I wasnt allowed to work because of the methadone its a straight no under controlled substance's and it was on my medical records so I couldnt lie about it,then 1 paticular day near xmas I decided to go into town shopping for xmas withing an hour of getting into town I was in the first aid room store having a pannick attack,and I had no idea why i tried going out again a week later the same thing happened only this time it happened 10 feet away from the front door,I was terrified i didnt know what of i just knew i wanted do get away from that situation and back to the house,I was diagnosed with severe agorophobia and anxiety to the point where I wouldnt answer the phone or the door or even come out of my room if there was anybody in the house except for me and mum I was put on a precription of 40mg of valium a day and 15mg of nitrazipam at night to sleep,its now been 8 years since I stopped using heroin and although I can afford to do things I couldnt when I was on the heroin I cant do them because I cant leave the house,I have 2 absolutly amazing drug workers both with backgrounds in mental illness and if it wasnt for they're weekly visits ide never see anybody except mum my family still wont talk to me even though I never wronged them in anyway but I did put my mother through 7 years of hell for the time she knew about my habit,and that's justification enough to never speak again which has been made clear,ive doubled my weight from 12 stone to just over 24,not because I eat alot I eat less than most children but i cant or dont burn enough calories to lose weight which has also lead to DVT's and a pulmonry embolism which very nearly killed me.
So 8 years later have things got better now im no longer on heroin,to the extent I no longer have to worry about money for drugs yes things have got better,but in general I sometimes wonder if it was all worth it,I guess what i'm trying to say is that the support of friends and family is so important a full recovery is very hard after long term dependancy so for anybody reading this that has a family member who is going through detox or has recently recovered from any addiction,give them a chance let them be the person they once were and that you once knew,dont hold grudges about the things they did while being an addict because they wernt in a frame of mind to think about the consequences of they're action's,life's to short to hold a grudge if you need to tell them how hurt you are tell them let them know how much they hurt you but forgive them be wary untill they earn your trust again but give them a chance to earn that trust,I could of just said that at the start but I needed to speak about my experience and for you to understand why my family nolonger speaks to me.
If you took the time to read this thank you i know its long winded but ive not spoke to anyone for 3 weeks now apart from my workers and things get pretty tough.
Thanks for letting me unload.
Paul UK

This post has been edited by SwiftBMF on September 27, 2012, 5:12 AM

I think i'm suppose to write something deep and meaningful here but I think that somethings are more important so I choose Rasberry Jelly thats whats important to me.
Enjoy the little things
Posted: January 22, 2013, 11:27 AM

Hi, I just want to say congratulations on your sobriety!! That's an amazing accomplishment and I hope things get better for you each day. I'm so sorry about your mother and sisters not giving you another chance, but I'm amazed at how understanding you are in this situation. I would just like to say I have a lot of respect for you. I'm very sorry about your father passing away. I'm glad you didn't let your sister's words get to you. It was not your fault. You have overcome so many obstacles. You are an inspiration.

I know it's been months since you've posted, but I hope you are doing better now. All the best. God bless.
Posted: February 20, 2014, 5:03 AM

Thank you, thank you so much. I can't (or don't want to) explain in words how or why your story helped me. But It did stave off some pretty wicked, depressing thoughts. Your courage to not use is inspiring in a momentous way. I will be forever indebted to you. Thank you.

Thank you.
Posted: September 30, 2015, 12:51 AM

Posts: 973
Joined: May 14, 2015

Wow. I know this is years old post..almost 3years to this date. Don't even know how I stumbled on it..meant to be I guess. Reading that, parts definitely hit hard. Thanks for sharing.
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