Tabula Rasa
Posted: June 16, 2017, 5:21 AM


Posts: 4
Joined: June 16, 2017



For the 51 years I have been on this earth I have smoked cannabis for 35 years...

Exactly 3 weeks ago I decided I needed to quit Cold Turkey...I have smoked a lot over the years so to call myself a chronic user would be a gross understatement...

My reasons for wanting to quit are as follows: For the last 15 years I used way more than I did before...I haven't spent a day without smoking at least 3 or 4 big joints and for some periods I was smoking up to 25g a week...most of this was time spent in isolation in my own "creative" environment. Personality disorders have rendered me unemployable for this 15 year period...I cut myself off from family, friends and anything or anyone else that would "disturb" my comfort zone.

Residing in the Netherlands, my drug of choice is very easy to obtain and the quality of the weed here is extremely high...

Being a creative, severely right brained personality all my creative endeavours have become seemingly and inseperably entwined with weed use...for music production, drawing and painting, photography and to a lesser extent writing...

Though the last years (it's difficult to remember how long) my disorders have worsened and my long term depression issues have worsened too, to the point of suicidal feelings and a suicide attempt in February this year...the depression has always been there from a child, the disorders were present from a very early age as well...it got to the point in September last year that my motivation and "flow" in creativity completely dried up and I went to bed for the whole winter and binge watched all my favourite serials in order not to think about my sorry excuse for a life and what I should do next....

So basically for the last years and probably for the last 2 decades I have been essentially getting stoned as self medication...my main argument for this being that weed is a natural herb and the SSRI's that I have tried are quite dangerous (side effects, changing my brain and personality etc) and I have experienced that SSRI's make suicide even easier...

In the last three weeks of my abstination it's been a hell obviously...I am like a blank slate, I haven't got a clue who I am...any sort of creativity is far from me, in the rear view mirror so to speak...I am like some kind of neurotic zombie crying for help in a world that doesn't understand what I'm going through...hence this diary...

I am deeply determined to persevere with my abstination despite all these feelings, total confusion and apathy...I know it takes months, maybe even years...one good part of my personality is that I can be extremely stubborn...I just want to find out who I really am instead of suppressing my personality with high daily doses of THC...even though the future is a total mystery (which it is anyway) I just want to be real if that makes any sense at all....

This post has been edited by tench on June 16, 2017, 6:29 AM
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Posted: July 7, 2017, 6:38 PM


Posts: 4
Joined: June 16, 2017



It's another 3 weeks further and I still haven't used...I know there are are heavier addictions but after 35 years it's been a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions lately...its weird as well just to get used to be not using anything at all apart from nicotine and coffee...

I don't really know who I am anymore and the depression is really heavy, a lot of the time I haven't got a clue what to do...but yeah onwards I go into what, I don't know but to just keep on keeping off the weed is all I can really do right now...
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Posted: August 6, 2017, 8:16 AM


Posts: 4
Joined: June 16, 2017



Still going strong here....well still going anyway and still clean...

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Posted: November 4, 2017, 2:35 PM


Posts: 4
Joined: June 16, 2017



Sorry to admit that I failed already a few months ago...couldn't face myself...
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