3/4 Years Clean(ice) - Still Tainted
Posted: February 26, 2017, 7:06 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: February 26, 2017

Addiction, it’s a dirty word. It wasn’t until I had almost defeated mine that I could dissociate myself to a large enough extent, from who I used to be, for my ego to accept that an addict is exactly what I once was.

A wise man once said, that until we accept that there is a problem, we are unable to find a solution. In the case of addiction this rings true. The problem is, how can you accept that there is a problem, when acceptance of that problem prevents you from chasing the next hit, which is the very thing that seems to be the only answer to the all encompassing pain that feels so real. So real, that it is as though it is a part of you, coded into your DNA, so pervasive that the pain and your soul are no longer distinguishable from one and other, they are one and the same. A void filled with years of burnt bridges and damage done to those who love you and the empty space that those who once did, used to fill.

I first wrote this in September, it is now almost March of the following year, yet despite what externally may be perceived as progress, the emptiness continues to devour hope. Each push toward the summit revealing the truth of life on the other side, a view into the lives of those who only know that one side exists, not having deviated down the path of despair themselves, yet still acute in their ability to identify those that have. Each step closer fosters a yearning to assimilate into such a life, to intermingle with a society of those who have success in abundance, yet an omnipresent fear prohibits this from occurring. Straying too far from the darkness illuminates the toll that years of subsistence has taken, a twisted figure lamenting the woes of the past and shunned for the very same reasons by those of the present, a limbo of sorts.

Oscillation, a result of momentary successes soaked in a sea of failures; as though the light at the end of the tunnel is exhausted, flickering in the distance about to be fully extinguished. With each flash, hopes for something better engulf me, with each stint of darkness despair permeates my psyche, dark, as though it will never be light again. Only for the next flash to once again and ever so briefly rekindle the hopes of the past, a twisted joke, reminiscent of past addictions, as there can be no despair without hope, no lows without highs.

Who is it that I can share this with? This information here is all that is required to pierce the veil, to see into the soul and understand everything about why it is that I am where I am, that I am who I am, and why I live how I live. To read this would be to strip me naked of the armour that I have spent years weaving, with words carefully chosen to suggest that a reality exists other than the one that is presented in the flesh. Armed with this knowledge, only an objective truth remains and the pains of the past are brought to the forefront, in full illumination for all the world to see. Would such judgement set a man free, or would it merely loose him from the shackles of hope and resign him to finally accept that he is, who and what he is? A resignation such as this is a bitter pill to swallow...

Keen to hear your thoughts

This post has been edited by anon1234 on February 26, 2017, 7:35 AM
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