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Posts: 3
Joined: January 22, 2017
Posted: January 22, 2017, 1:50 PM
In November I got six pairs of socks from Walmart for $3. One of those pairs said "Today is the day". Another pair said "Follow your heart". So today is the day I follow my heart and take advice from my socks.
Here's a snippet of my story. If no one ever sees this that's okay. And if someone does and puts me on trial for it, that's okay too. My main goal here is to just get some of this out there and hopefully inspire someone to make that crucial change and take that crucial chance in their life. I'm 19 years old and the first time I touched meth I had just turned 15. (That wasn't my first tango with drugs- that was 6 years prior, when I was nine and someone much older than me gave me a vicodin to see how young-me would react). I spent the entirety of my late-adolescent, preteen, and teen years chasing a high I would come close to but never quite reach. It was never enough. From drinking at 5am before school, out of a water bottle by my locker in 6th grade, pill after pill to numb a pain i couldn't remember, pot to blur the days.. Never ceasing but never reaching what I wanted. It was normal to me. Starting at such a young age, it was easy to hide and function (even succeeding at a lot). Above average grades, I loved to read- and write. And boyyy could I write. But in tenth grade I ignored the voice of warning in my head and hit that pipe and from then on it was a cycle of ups and downs. By the time I was 16 and a half, I was selling myself to men much older to support mine and my best friend's dope habit. Failing all of my classes, dropping out of my college classes. Mom kicked me out when I was 17 and I moved in with my 35 year old boyfriend and my 28 year old girlfriend. Life was great (not). Although I was clean during that year (if you call not smoking dope but still popping pills, smoking pot, drinking, the occasional shroomtrip, and 2 seperate 2day crack binges). Oh well. I was doing good at least, in my head i was. At least I wasn't on meth anymore (can you say minimizing??) After a year I realized this poly relationship was bad for me (I only realized that when I walked in on my two lovers cheating on me with a stripper, lolz). 18 year old me smashed a bottle of jack daniels and left. I'll save you the slow part- flash forward six months (four states later) and my sister has kicked me out, I'm back on dope, and a continuous downward spiral. House hopping, homeless, strung out.. In this time frame I've had knives in my face, punches against my flesh, broken glass and broken hearts.. Clean for the month of october until two days before halloween. Left with 2 guys, came back 2 days later bruised, sore, tired.. Strung out. Was drugged and raped (on camera) by a man who was supposed to be a "father figure". I called my mom, who lived four states away. Confessed my sins and she got me a hotel room, a pizza, I got my dog back, and the next day I was on my way to the next state over- off to live with my grandma. Life is great! I'm sober, I got a job I love taking care of women with MR, spending time with my family.. That lasts a week. Two days with my cousin and I'm on meth worse than before. Trying (read: failing) to hide my meth habit at work. I didn't lose my job because they all loved me despite my problem. Maybe mostly because I didn't let it affect my job. My girls were in outstanding care with me. But everyone knew- and over the next few months I got worse, it got more noticeable- especially after my best friend shot herself and I moved on up to 1.5+ grams a day. Christmas I spent the day dopesick. 2 days later, I left and didn't come back home when I was supposed to. Instead I sat in my driveway, ATE more than a gram of a combo of meth/bath salts. I was gonna die too, dammit. Uh uh uh. Not so fast. Instead I called the cops on myself (parts of that conversation i remember include "Your guys are already here, I'm not resisting, I'm gonna die soon, please stay on the phone with me, I'm scared, why aren't they arresting me?? I'm not resisting.") 10 minutes later the cops show up with an ambulance, my heart rate is exceeding 150bpm and I'm close to death. I beg for help "Take me to rehab, please. I'm not ready to die" the cops were surprisingly very sympathetic, kind, and gentle. My great grandpa came outside and the disappointment and fear in his eyes broke my heart more than anything else in my life. I spent the next 8 days in detox, learned my cousin was in rehab. When I was released on January 4th, I hugged my grandma and great grandpa close, called my mom, and decided to get help. Now it's january 22nd. I'm almost a month clean, and every day is an epiphany. In five days I leave for a 4 month treatment program, and although every day is a battle I just have to remember that Just For Today, I do this for me. It's one day at a time. Hold on, pain ends. That's what will get me through this. Although it feels like I'm going through a break up, 5 years from now I will be looking back, thanking god I lived through that night. Today is the day. And so is tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. Thank you socks. | ||
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Posts: 3
Joined: January 22, 2017
Posted: January 23, 2017, 5:21 PM
The thing about sobriety is it doesn't automatically make you a good person. It doesn't mean you are fixed. Things don't automatically get better. Part of this journey called recovery is realizing that you are still broken, accepting the fact that parts of you will always be broken, and learning to love those parts, too. It's realizing you are powerless over certain things, and learning to be comfortable with the things you like and the things you don't like.
Recovery doesn't take a day, or a year, or even ten years. Recovery is something that doesn't have a number attached to it. Recovery doesn't have an end destination because recovery is a journey. How was the great wall of china built? One brick at a time. (thank you, andy). Just because I decided one day to get sober doesn't mean I'm not still an addict. I will always be an addict, it's a matter of making the choice every single day to not use. And not only use, but to work constantly towards what I want. It's a daily battle.. I have to take it one day at a time. Some days will be easier than others and thats okay. I'm constantly evolving. My end goal is to become what I love and love who i become. Maybe I won't reach all my goals in this life, but as long as I do my best to make my own purpose and fulfill it, things will happen as they are supposed to. In the end I am the only person in my life who isn't temporary. So I must learn to love myself, or evolve myself into a person I love. Thank you Andy. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to accept the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. This post has been edited by HoldOnPainEnds on January 23, 2017, 5:22 PM | ||
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