Pill Popping New Mommy- Quits! :)
Posted: January 24, 2015, 2:35 AM

Posts: 5
Joined: January 24, 2015

I am 33 a mom to a amazing and smart 17 month old boy, and today I have a little over one year without any type of prescription drug. For the past 10 years I have been addicted to Vicodin ( also Xanax, Oxy and Ultram). I have stolen pills from my mom, neighbors, friends, and clients medicine cabinets. I resorted to stealing when my doctor cut me off after 8 years of being prescribed the medication. My life was a wreck, I hated myself. I couldn’t even stop taking pills when I got pregnant. I lowered my dosage to 1.5-2 10 mgs Vicodin a day. I convinced the doctor handling the pregnancy that I needed it for the back pain I was having. Words cannot describe the hatred I had for myself at this time, but a part of me stayed in denial. After my son was born that supply ended and I began stealing drugs from my mom who was visiting my home in California and also my neighbors next door. I even took some of my friends dogs medication (ultram). The idea of quitting these drugs was the scariest thing I had ever encountered in my life. I couldn’t go half a day without taking something. I resigned to myself that I would take these drugs for the rest of my life. I was so deeply ashamed. When my son was 4 months old I went to a friend’s house with my husband (who was also using with me). These friends were much older than us and had pill bottles all over the house (a bottle with 600 in the cupboard next to the coffee cups.......). We had been sneaking pills from them for several months. They informed me that they had to let their maid go, that they believed she was stealing their medication. I sat there, and didn’t say a thing. I wanted so badly to tell them it was us, but I was too ashamed. This was the lowest I had ever felt in my life. I went home that night and journaled a desperate plea to god, the universe or something that was out there to please help me. I got on my knees and cried and cried. I have not taken a pill since. I went to the local Alano club, 12 step meeting house, and found an AA meeting beginning. These people welcomed me with open arms and told me that I never had to use again. They told me they would love me til I loved myself….. It tore my heart open. I hated myself at that point. I spent the next few days praying for strength to take care of this four month old baby. I got through it. I wanted more than anything to give this child the mother it deserves. My life has changed in every single way possible since then. I feel a freedom and a *authentic* happiness I didn’t even know existed. My son is 17 months now and is such a happy joyous and friendly little boy. Today I am becoming the mother, daughter, friend and wife I always wanted to be. I am working on loving myself today, and accepting myself. The most profound changes have been due to working the steps the people at the meetings suggested I take - to get to the real issues of WHY I resorted to a life of constant drug use in the first place. I have begun this new and growing relationship with a power greater than myself that is- loving and non-judgmental, an inner resource that was there all along, I was just too blocked with drugs to receive the guidance. If you are still reading this and have found yourself relating to any part of my story, you can do it…but not alone. That is the best part. And the best is yet to come, I promise.
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