Surrounded By Addiction Including Me
Posted: November 9, 2014, 6:44 PM

Posts: 144
Joined: November 8, 2014

I'm 50...I'm tired. I've been an alcoholic since I was 17 (hard). Had my first beer when I was 13....but after 17...alcohol became my everything. I honestly don't know how I'm still alive. Well, I'm probably still alive because I had 8 years of sobriety from 2005 - 2013. Then I thought...a 6 pack won't hurt. Well, since then (last November) I have drank almost everyday. Also in my family I have an alcoholic sister in her 30's another alcoholic and drug addicted sister 47. And my oldest son is what they call a junkie I guess...he will do anything but as of late he is addicted to heroin. He just had his 2nd child - she is 1 month old...he manages to hold down a job the last 3 years he has been out of jail...but how much longer will that last? I guess that is not my problem but his. But as his Mom....I hold a lot of guilt for bringing him up his whole entire life as a "drunk". I maintained good employment throughout my drinking career. But recently lost that good line of employment after 19 years I believe due in part to my drinking. It was my choice to leave the job but I'm not sure I would have made that choice if I was not drinking at the time. Although I have had a s***ty hard life. I don't blame my alcoholism on anything except genetics...generations of family members suffered from alcoholism and depression. Who knows what came first with any of them..the depression or the drinking..but I do believe my problem is inherited. My youngest son does not have an addiction or any addiction problems and coincidently no one on his fathers side does either.
Again, I do not blame my alcoholism on any of my life experiences. However, some of my most significant problems or hurdles in life have been because I drank alcohol:

Being beaten for over 10 of the 20 years I was with my youngest sons father. I have a nice dent on my skull in the front of my forehead as a tattooed memory of the types of things that happened that my sons witnessed.
Being raped my sons father after repeatedly telling him no sex
Not knowing who my oldest sons father is..due to the fact I was in a bar at 21 and slept with a stranger.
My parents kicked me out when I was 17 because I was drinking and they didn't want me to be a bad influence on my sisters (who both turned out to be alcoholic anyway).
Raped more than once because of alcohol and I believe one time came very close to being left in the woods for dead.
Spending so many nights in alcohol detox units or hospitals due to drinking.
Not being close to my siblings or nieces and nephews.
Already mentioned left a job paying 80K-100K a year recently.
Emphysema due to smoking too much (which is exasperated by alcohol)
Something is going on with my brain, I need to go speak to a Neurologist.
Major Depression
PTSD from the beatings and the rapes. Now when people say PTSD eyes roll. Some experiences I have which have been classified as PTSD are repeated dreams of my X showing up. I shake when my phone rings and it is him. If my current boyfriend raises his voice even in a similar way I shake and get very anxious inside. He joked he was going to put my clothes outside one day and I rushed home (knowing he was joking). I rush thru stores still after 8 years of my X being gone for fear that I am going to get in trouble or hit for being out too long and I know logically this is not true. I am constantly talking myself down and it doesn't work, my heart still races and I sweat and I walk in the door expecting poor results and always get greeted with happiness. You would think after many years of that stuff being gone my body would let it go but it doesn't (PTSD). Other things that I can't recall at the moment.
Not showing up at hospital when my son overdosed on cocaine because I was too drunk to get out of bed - this is something my son has never forgiven me for. And now when he calls I have the same bodily reactions more (PTSD) - brought on by my own actions...but still a bodily reaction to a past event.
Not being made aware of the fact my daughter in law was pregnant and had my first granddaughter (a month ago) because I was drunk and they were aware of it.

These are just some of the things ALCOHOL CAUSED..not the reasons I drink. Obviously there are many more being that I am 50 years old but these are the ones that haunt me the most. I would have never put up with beatings sober...actually when I got sober 8 years jerky X showed up and tried to pull trying to have sex with me and I was strong enough to tell him to get the hell out of my house. None of the things above would have happened if I were sober. But that is the past.

Today and the last 3 days...I am starting again to fight for my life back. To make a get to know my granddaughter and 6 year old grandson. Because even thou I was sober for 8 years..they (the addicted kids my son and his girl) never trusted me to take my grandson. For fear or control of something....But being sober I can fight for all my grandparent rights. I can take this course I have signed up for to be a Medical Coder. I can smile again, I can go out again and have fun without drinking. The 8 years sober were the best years of my life. I was not happy with all of my surroundings...but I was happy with myself....I was comfortable in my skin...I was making amends....I was taking showers....I was pretty....I was healthier. I even managed to quit smoking for a year. I don't feel very strong this time. I feel like my life is slipping away...and that I am not sure I have the fight in me. But, my kids are coming around and telling me their concern...they want me better again. They have decided they liked the sober "b****". They always called me that when I was sober...lovingly...they lived with me most of the 8 years I was sober than I kicked their butts out and said enough...they are 28 and 26. My 26 year old left 1.5 years ago..and my 28 year old left when he was in jail and then came back for a 1yr...but I gave him a time period cause I was sober and he hated that. But, I made good choices sober. I'm scared...but the older I get the more I want to live. So I know the only chance I have is to keep the drink down for good. Day 3 here. Almost over. I made it today. Getting on my knees - going to thank God and pray for another day.
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