Posted: August 2, 2014, 5:11 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: August 2, 2014

I've been in a relationship with heroin for about 5 years now. On and off. And the last time (before this relapse) I was clean for a year. 365 days. To the day. I relapsed on my 1 year anniversary. I knew what I was doing while I was doing it - BEFORE I was doing it - but i couldn't stop myself. Before I had even stuck the needle in my arm, i was already addicted again. I relapsed before I even relapsed. And I've been going ever since. The things that this drug has done to my life are irreversible. I'm 29 years old, i'll be 30 in February, and I've been told that if you don't stop by the age of 30, then your chances of successfully quitting become exponentially smaller. I'm scared guys. Very scared. I want to stop, but not as much as i want to get high again. And the worst part about it is that i KNOW i can... I've done it 2 times before this. The first time was with help of a detox and a rehab; the second time i got pregnant. As soon as i found out i was pregnant i put the s*** down. But i lost the baby at 6 weeks because (according to me - i was too scared to tell the doctor that i was a recovering drug addict) my body couldn't handle coming off the drug AND being pregnant for the first time. I lost my baby because of this drug. But i stayed clean. I didn't pick it up again until a year later. Why? I don't know. I can never answer that question. I don't know why i'm so weak. I don't know why when i look at my boyfriend of almost 12 years that can't be enough. I didn't only lose my baby - i lost his baby too. And how unfair is that? And the life he had before he met me was a nightmare. And I feel selfish staying with him because i KNOW deep down in my heart of hearts that he will do so much better without me. I'm no good for him. I don't feel good enough for anybody. Not even myself. I'm pathetic. A loser. A goddamn junky. And who wants to be with someone like that? Someone that can't even "Just Stop"? I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be happy because why? What have i done to deserve anything good ya know? I've stolen, lied, ripped people off...I've put my mother into so much debt. And i KNOW what i'm doing. I KNOW. But i just can't stop. And it's scary. I'm terrified everyday when i wake up. I don't want to use again, but i can't help it. Sorry for the rant...and the depressing ending to this. But I had to say something to someone that doesn't know me. Thanks to whoever read this. I have so much more to say, but technically i'm at work right now and i just needed to get some of that off my chest.
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