Trying To Get Life Back Together - Last Chance
Posted: February 8, 2014, 8:51 PM

Posts: 1
Joined: February 8, 2014

Hey, my name is Eric,

Basically I've gotten myself into quite a jam and lost respect for myself over the things I've done, as well as the respect of others just trying to help me. I flirted with drugs since being a teenager, eventually by 18, I started smoking weed daily (not my main problem) and being introduced to other drugs like mushrooms and ecstasy, and cocaine once.
I fell in love with psychedelics after mushrooms, and months later, found a secure hook up for cheap psychedelics that let me play with them to my hearts content. I pretty much tripped on average at least once a week for over two years, almost entirely alone at my parents house at night and had become experienced at lying and hiding my drug use (especially all the weed I smoked) over the years, though nonetheless i had been caught with the weed and the odd thing left out, because I am just a sloppy person in general. I found a girlfriend to die for (now fiance), who sort of got me to pull myself a bit with the psychedelics (i realize they aren't psychically addictive, but it was a bit habit to break).

We would smoke weed together, and occasionally share a trip together, but otherwise, we weren't too involved with drugs. I did however sneak a few solo trips that i didn't mention now and then. Just over a year ago now, we moved in together and things have been good and bad. We were fighting more often (off and on) over trivial things, after several months, my girlfriend lost her job, I began having terrible sleeping problems. More stresses started to pile on, and my drug cravings went from a mild wanting of a trip for the experience to an intense level of desire. I was told my contact was up soon at my job, leaving us in a tight spot financially, a friend of mine died unexpectedly and my anxiety and depression had been growing to the point where 80% of my time I felt so s***ty I wanted to cry and I wasn't getting anything done which kept it in a circle.

It's a lot of details leading up to it, but I began ordering and using drugs at first intending recreation, but leading to me using them in addictive bingeing manners. I started with a benzodiazepine I acquired, which i was caught with by my girlfriend at least 3 times, leading to serious conflicts and loss of trust. At the same time i was just building up a web of lies and a bigger drug stash. I was using MDMA analogue drugs to escape my depression, and my use built up to using it 3-5 days a week for at least a month, including when I was right next to my girlfriend. She was suspicious but didn't fully catch on.

I started to find my depression and drug use start to decline (relative to before) after we made efforts to achieve our goals. But around this time, my giant lies i had built up from the woman i loved were chipped away one by one. I made promises after promises, only to relapse and have more truth slip out almost every couple of days. I've scared the s*** out of my fiance, and i relapsed again yesterday, despite the most dire consequences on the line of us breaking up, and my family and friends being told of my issues.

Somehow, I feel so terrible, but she loves me so much she is staying for one last chance. I know she does not believe I will change after so many lies and promises broken and she feels ashamed and foolish to even tell anyone of my relapse because she knows anyone would tell her to leave me.

I promised to get help, but have been so terrified for the last few days I've put it off. Today I swore to seek help, and I did find some resources to look into, although I will have to make my appointments tomorrow. I'm currently seeking some kind of class/workshop/group to learn skills to conquer addiction as well as possibly some form of therapy, to work on my personal issues that led to me turning into such a fiend and liar to the woman I love. We were also finding workbooks on addiction, anxiety, stress, and depression too for some work to be done at home by myself. She can have bad mood swings at times, but generally, especially after everything, I could not ask for anyone to ever be more supportive in my recovery. I feel like i can't prioritize my life when i get so focused on drugs sometimes and I have made terrible mistakes. I feel almost out of control entirely at times, and there is a near constant urge in my head to say, hey you should buy/hide/lie about more drugs if I am just more careful about when I use and I wont get caught. But i know I will get caught, i'm playing with addiction, and the consequences far outweigh any possible gains. It is so hard to push these thoughts away apart from avoiding temptation as much as possible and continually postponing thinking/planning about it, in the hopes that i will never actually go through with it.

I'm currently tapering off my brief benzo addiction now, and smoking weed in small amounts at night (i realize i may need to stop or take an extended break from weed to stop my addictive cycle, but right now, my cravings are so intensive, I feel like I could not function without this last vice). I'm struggling daily with bouts of intense depression, anxiety, shame and cravings that seem almost never ending. I both want and need to stay sober and most importantly be completely honest with my fiance if I have any chance of us staying together and my whole life not falling apart. I can do this I think, and I hope with outside help, it will be easier (especially since my active heavy addiction/binge phase was less than 3 months in total) and manageable.

I will try to update this as I get help and to try to stay on track. But that nagging feelings of cravings and the urge to give in and be deceptive is strong, despite the known consequences and immeasurable pain it would cause to the love of my life. I feel like over this short span, I've grown into someone I hate passionately, who has been parasitic and taking advantage of others kindness. The amount I hate myself makes me feel hopeless and feeds into the cravings but I am trying to hold on as hard as I can to do what I know is right. I need to rebuild my life and trust and it could take years already, but at least I won't find myself at the suicidal lows I caused myself, and will still have a loving wife and family by my side, rather than allowing the addiction to take hold further until i self destruct myself into much deeper waters.
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