Gettin' Away With It...
Posted: January 10, 2014, 7:35 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: January 10, 2014



So...

... 6 months ago (and a little over 5 years clean) I decided I wanna' get high. Not just a bit high (that has never been the way I operate!), but stonking, implausibly, and extraordinarily HIGH!

In the 5 years I was clean, I managed to put my life back together to a remarkable degree, going from homeless to homeowner, jobless to one of the leaders where I work, and a solid, large circle of clean friends. Regardless... I wanted this. So I did it. I put it all on the line... relationships, job, belongings. Wagering everything!

An insightful person may ask, how has it gone? The answer is muddled. So far, I have restricted myself to pot (a significant quantity, since it is legal in my state), a lot of booze, and some club drugs thrown in for just that "right" high. Do you know what?!? It delivers... the highs are lovely!

lovely! lovely! lovely

Now here's the rub. I really enjoy getting high! (I'm quite good at it, too.) Wish I could do it all the time. I find myself "bending the rules"...trying to bring a little buzz into my workday, stuff like that. Carrying the party a little later into the night than I oughta'.

And then there is my place. I have this theory that all active addicts live in the same apartment. Not actually the same address, but if you took photos of one addicts home, they are interchangeable with any other using addicts place. I have always had pride in my home, and when I'm not using, it borders on showplace. Using, things get a little sloppy. Okay, kinda' a lot sloppy! Somehow, though I am still paying my bills (I make decent $), have not had any incidents at work (although it's been close), and have not yet run afoul of John Law.

Next, the physical aspects. I went a long way down last time... I was in terrible condition before going to treatment. Blood pressure was way high, weight way low, kidney & liver function deteriorating. This time (it's only been 6 months using) I'm holding up better... my BP & weight are okay, but the way my body feels, using like I am right now, it's the same as I recall it from before... the incredible tiredness, the shooting pain through my nerves into my feet, that "numb" feeling I get in my mouth, and that cloudy headed feeling that leaves my mind maybe 40% of where I am at clean. Mind you, I only have these symptoms when I am not high... wanna' guess my solution? ;-)

It's been intense, but I don't think I would recommend it to anyone as a any sort of "transcendental experience"- it's not. It's just chemicals having reactions with my mind... and in & of itself can be kinda' disappointing & even a little boring (Try something else? Nooooo.... I can see where that is going!), but supremely pleasant, too.

I can tell that things are beginning to move beyond my grasp to control. That control is what has allowed me to hold things together for as long as I have, using such as I am, and I know where that goes for me. I've been there before, and it wasn't pretty.

Maybe it's time to get clean again? Mmmm.... but leave the high behind? Spooky....

M
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Posted: January 13, 2014, 10:37 AM


Posts: 2
Joined: January 10, 2014



Kickin' it today. Gonna' drag my a** to a meeting tonight. Been primarily using boatloads of booze & some really powerful hash oils, I don't figure it's gonna hurt as much as getting off cocaine almost 5 years ago (that was unforgettable!)

Still not sure I "want it" (although I know I need to get clean or things are only gonna' get worse if I keep screwing around like I am), but I feel as if I am ready to "want to want it", if that makes any sense. Besides, really wanting something takes a level of clarity that I just do not have at this point ...for anything besides chasing another buzz.

Gonna' send out a txt to some of my NA buddies, something like "Kickin' it, today.", I haven't talked with most of them in several months (using for me is a very solitary experience, one thing I learned all those years ago was that I can both limit the damage I cause in other people's lives and have more freedom to do what I choose in the quantities I choose & keep it all if I'm using by myself!). It should be pretty obvious what I been up to... anytime that an addict drops of the edge of the planet like that, it only means one thing.

We shall see how this goes...

M

This post has been edited by DeviantTitan on January 13, 2014, 1:20 PM
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