Joined: January 12, 2012
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Hi Everyone, I'm new to this forum. I read some of the other posts and you all seem so great, I hope I can join your support system!
I think I'm doing pretty well for recovery, but it's still very hard for me to open up to the people around me directly. Reflex I guess? Can I tell you guys the story so far? Could you comment and share your experience to help me from pitfalls? I'd really appreciate it!
Last October I had an emotional/spiritual/physical breakdown. After a few conversations with a psychologist I realized that I was co-dependent.
WHAT LEAD TO THE BREAKDOWN
I'm 23 and recently married (June 2011). S is my first love and despite reading that all love addicts think that their partner is THE ONE, I really hope S and I can work this out.
My relationship with S had been deteriorating for a while before the wedding. Nobody tells you how stressful organizing a wedding is?! I just kept sucking it up and being strong.
During the summer, after the wedding, S' behavior towards me became increasingly ridiculous, and I kept taking it. We moved into a house together, but he was hardly ever home. I carried all the financial burden (using my student loan!), and all the stress of organizing electricity, gas and internet. When he was home he was beating me down. I was being OCD with cleaning everything. Why did I have to go to university? The city we live in sucks. It was all my fault. The number of these instances goes on and on. He'd go out partying with his friends and not come back for a week.
Eventually a good friend gave me a wake-up call. She helped me prepare for the difficult conversation with him. He had to leave. He wasn't supporting me, he was beating me down. He had to leave. After a hell of a fight night I took his keys, and friend of his picked him up. A week later I was going out and there he was behind me. He looked like s***, he wanted to talk and I stupidly believed that he'd changed. I took him back. (#$%@!!!@#STUPID!)
Things were better than before. But of course they started deteriorating again. And at one point, my body literally pulled the plug on me. My muscles went rock hard, I fainted, couldn't relax anymore. I had hit rock bottom. So I went to a psychologist, and started to work on ME.
Once when S didn't come home on the day he said he would I realized that this wasn't normal 'healthy' behavior on his side. I had a gut feeling and started researching narcism. Oh yeah. Bingo. So I made him come home 'You have to choose to be there for ME now'. And told him what I thought was causing us to fail.
I'm displaying codependent behavior, supporting/enabling his joblessness and carrying all the financial burden and responsibility and he's somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum, behaving completely self-centered. I told him he'd have to become more aware of his behavior, because if he didn't I'd have to end it. The situation would kill me.
THE STATUS QUO
I realized that we can't fix this together. I convinced him it was in the best interest of saving this relationship that we part ways for at least three weeks. I need time to kick my codependency, and start having a good healthy relationship with myself!
And he needs to grow up. This time, I helped him pack his favorite stuff into a weekend bag, he told me where he was going to stay. And the only contact we're having is through letter writing. He left his key here without me even asking. But he also took 150 bucks from my cash savings...
TAKING CARE OF ME!
Now that he's been gone a few days, I'm starting to feel withdrawal. I feel cranky and very emotional. I know it's for the best, but it doesn't help that I'm in the middle of my university midterms.
I'm thinking that in three weeks, I'm going to tell him, that he has to pay me back all the rent he didn't bring to the table since we moved in together and show me that he can be responsible before he gets his keys back. I want to be in a healthy loving relationship. I'm sick of being the mother to my delinquent child of a husband.
In his absence I'm starting to date myself. To get to know who I am and what I like. I've booked myself a thai massage workshop, acupuncture sessions and a hair-salon appointment. Next month I plan on starting dance lessons. And I'm inviting couch surfers to stay at my house to get used to being around people again. WHOO!
I hope you made it to the end of this post! Looking forward to hearing what you all have to say.
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This post has been edited by moderator on January 12, 2012, 8:49 AM