Descent Back Into Hell...
Posted: October 13, 2006, 3:12 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I’m glad the moderators are allowing us “mothers of addicts” to post as we work on our own recovery. I’ve kept my own private journal and will put excerpts from my journal onto this site in the hopes of helping other parents work their own recovery and for me to be able to look at and reflect.

Even now, as my daughter is coming up on her third attempt to kick heroin and has made it to almost 11 months – she seems to be doing much better than I. Oh, I seem to be doing well for the most part, for most of the time – it’s the occasional quiet moments, when I am alone with my own thoughts or like when I saw a photo of her the other day from her using days, or when something like “Intervention” makes its way to my TV screen, that my heart spirals backwards and begins to tumble. But, then I catch myself and remember where I am today and who is in charge. I have a “higher power” – Jesus, and He’s working for me – with me. I am healing – I know I am – sometimes, I almost feel like that big fat Cheshire cat, lying lazily in the sun and life couldn’t be any better; but then there are those painful memories that try to creep up and haunt me and makes me think too much…too much about yesterday and tomorrow.


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: October 15, 2006, 6:00 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



On October 31 of 2003, I was a long way away from where I am today. My precious daughter had gotten herself caught up into heroin use...again, and this was me, then:

"And so tonight I step away from what is calling me into the horrible descent - that horrible descent back into hell. Isn't it so ironic that of all nights, it is October 31! It's 9:00 p.m. and I just hung up from talking to a heroin addict who is in denial. Someone who thinks everyone else is wierd and our lives are all screwed up. A heroin addict who is in denial, who has become the biggest liar and who used to be my beautiful and innocent daughter. When will the Lord stop this terrible trembling inside of me!! I can barely find the keys on the board. I've been with her thru this descent before and I wasn't sure I could survive it then!! I think it might be harder the second time around! My God, my hands are trembling so I can barely type. I can barely think - my God, I can barely breathe! Yet, I feel like I need to write these feelings down, it seems like maybe it will give this trembling a place to go - words flowing onto a computer screen, sort of like how blood rushes to be absorbed by a paper towel. I had to call her - so much I wanted to hear her admit her addiction and cry out to come home to all of us who love her so much. I didn't hear anything remotely close to that! What happened to Jenny? How can a stupid powder change a human being so much? I can't understand that, but I have to accept that it has. Oh my poor baby - my soul aches for you. I wish I could set you free - I tried. I know she didn't mean all the horrible things that came out of her mouth; this powder has altered my daughter! It's forced the old Jenny to be hidden away, deep below the surface. But I trust God and I know God is at work even while I cannot see it right now. He is at work. I know my God - He is faithful and never changing. I wish He would take away my trembling. I can't call Jenny for a while, I need to regain my own strength - to become strong in the Lord and strong in myself. If she calls asking for help, I will be there, strength would immediately flow through my veins in such a way that Atlas himelf would be green with envy!! Don't pity me - each day, I will grow stronger and the joy of the Lord will restore my soul. But, right now, I am weak and so I cry ... and wait for the trembling to go away 'cuz I hate that part."


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: October 17, 2006, 10:21 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I truly am a woman of faith - a mother of faith. But, after finding out my daughter was using again, man, I was so lost and so full of a pain that was nearly unbearable. I was like a crazy woman, lost in the dark, trying to feel my way back home! Thank God I made it!

"11-01-03, Saturday

Oh Lord, help me. Help me to be strong. Jenny called me lastnight and said she wanted to come home - that Ben (her boyfriend) was mean. I wished she meant it and I wish she would come home. Oh, Lord, you say you won't give us more than we can bear, but my soul feels so weak and so ready to collapse. How can I go on? It's 12:30 pm my time, 10:30 am her time. I know she is awake - I hope. I hope she isn't dead. I wish I didn't even have to think like that, but heroin is real and along with it comes the dangers. Oh God, turn back time, please. My heart hurts - oh please call me, Jenny! I have to get myself together. I can't be responsible for her choices, but Lord I love her so much and I hear the torment in her sweet voice and my heart hurts for her. I will do what I can and trust in God to do His part.

Well, it's 5:30 pm and I've called Jenny twice already today. I know I have to stop - I think this is it. I don't even know where or how deep this pain goes, but it's unreal. It's like nothing I've ever felt - I hate this. I know I asked God to provide concrete proof if He wanted me to know. A while ago, I had a dream of her shooting heroin in her arm - it was such an awful sight and a horrible dream. I think since that day, I've sort of knew - maybe even before then. I think she's in it pretty deep. Oh boy. Ben is telling her things - things like she only has to live for herself and doesn't have to answer to anyone else - isn't that an addicts code of living if I've ever heard one!! He's poisoning her against me and I don't know how to stop it. Yes, I do..I will let go and let God. Truly, I am not going to call her anymore. I can't. I just wanted to hear her voice and know that she was alive. I could tell she was high and I hated hearing her voice like that. Oh gosh, she said awful and hateful things. I never knew what an addict was like when they weren't ready to admit their problem yet. It's the ugliest thing and it fills me with such anger!! HOW CAN THIS AWFUL DRUG STEAL MY BABY!! I won't let it!! I will get her on every prayer chain I can find!! I will not give up!! I can't!!"


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: October 20, 2006, 6:33 AM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Today, peace is within me. Today, I can smile and I can almost laugh with abandon again! I hope and pray I continue to grow in my own recovery. It is so hard having a child who is an addict - how do you walk away from your kid? I can't. I am reminded of how far I have come from where I used to be!

" November 4, 2003 - Tuesday 8:21 pm

Well, I talked to Jenny today. I couldn't help myself - I just wanted to hear her voice. She is so precious to me. I stayed strong. She was curt with me at first. Her voice cracked a little like she was going to cry. My heart can barely contain itself just knowing about the heroin - what could be worse than that, I wonder?? I guess I'm doing better today, but I am aching to hug Jenny and have her home where she can be safe. God forgive me for feeling like I do about Ben. I know it's not right to feel this way, but right now I can't think of anything I would rather do than to slap him so hard in his face and curse him right into hell. It pains me so much to know what a slave she is to this awful drug and to Ben. She doesn't even see it - I love her so much and I just wish I could peel the scales off her eyes so that she could see. Sleeping is better, but not good. Peace of mind is hard to come by these past few days. I did talk to Brian this morning and it was so good to hear his voice, too. What irony is this? My son is away in Iraq at war and my daughter is away fighting her own war, too. I've lived my life for these two and I don't expect to lose either of them! Funny, Brian is off in a war he didn't really choose to partake in and Jenny is in a war she chose to be in. Her own self-inflicted war. But it's not really her own, it's mine, too. I know God is at work in ways that I do not know and that I cannot see. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1."


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: October 22, 2006, 8:37 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



It's so odd to me - I am not an addict, yet I have to work the same recovery program as my daughter. I don't get it. I did not choose to use drugs or drink, yet I am thrust into the same world as the addict. I guess even if I don't ever understand it, I know this - I have learned that recovery is something I must now do for myself - and it is a constant life-long thing that I will have to work at. I wonder why it is called "recovery" since you never really recover. It's always there, tucked away as deep as we learn to push it.

"November 5, 2003 - Wednesday, 8:53 pm

Today was a bad day. I trembled so much and I wonder if a day will ever come when I don't cry. I feel like I'm all alone. I have no one to lean on and no one to talk to. I can't share with anyone how much pain is deep down; there is no one I know who would understand because I don't know anyone else who has been through this. Sometimes I feel so weary - it's like I can just sit and stare into space, but my mind doesn't rest. I called Jenny again today, but on her cell phone when I knew she would be at work and left her message telling her I missed our talks and I made up some reason for calling. I just wanted to hear her. I can't go on like this. I think it's funny how life keeps shoving you forward, even when you don't want to go. Sometimes I look at those semi's driving by me on that little two-lane Hwy 20 and I think how just a little jerk of the wheel would put me in their path, but I don't really want to do that. I know there is hope and I need to "wait upon the Lord." I just want my baby girl whole and healthy; spiritually and physically and mentally. I have to say I do feel better tonight than this morning. I went after work and helped to pack up stuff for the soldiers in Iraq (including my son!). It did feel good to talk with those other ladies and to be around other people. People who know nothing about me except I have a son who is a soldier in Iraq. I think I need to get involved helping others and I think less of my own pains."


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: October 25, 2006, 8:00 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I am in a place now where I am much more skeptical than I ever used to be. I used to trust people so easily and I sort of miss that outlook and that attitude. I want to trust my daughter again, but I don't. As of right now, I'm not sure I ever will. But, I know that's okay. I have to keep my faith in my higher power, Jesus. I have got to keep my foundation in Him and in taking care of me....finally!!

"November 14, 2003 - Friday, 8:47 pm

I almost didn't cry for a whole day yesterday. But Jenny hadn't called and I just wanted to talk to her. I called and regretted it the moment I heard her voice. She must have just taken a hit. She sounded so high and it just broke my heart. She couldn't even talk to me - I am sure I interrupted her high. It scared me so bad, but she didn't want to talk; she could barely talk. Her voice was so lethargic; I thought I was going to quit breathing; I was so incredibly terrified and sad. I'm sure she picked up on the panic in my voice. I thought I hid it but when I talked to her today, she said she knew I thought she was high, but she wasn't; said she just had a headache and was just in a bad mood and didn't want to talk to anyone, and yada, yada, yada. Lies and lies and more lies. Where, oh where, has my little girl gone? Where, oh where, is Jenny? I know she's there - I see glimpses of her now and then and I hear her sweet voice every so often. But then the drug keeps trying to push her down and this ugly person that I don't even know who is full of anger surfaces and says such mean things. I can't lose my joy, I just can't. It's the thing that gives me strength. To find joy in the Lord, despite this. Jenny will overcome - in time, she will see. She has to - I won't give up on God or the power of prayer. I can't or it will surely kill me."


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: October 30, 2006, 9:06 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Even today as I have grown stonger in "letting go" of my addict and focusing on myself, I still have bad days where I think too much about yesterday and I cry. But, this time, I only cry for a minute and then I'm okay. I hate that happens, though, and I hope that someday, it doesn't hurt so much to remember.

"December 5, 2003 - Friday, 8:03 pm

I love Jenny and would do anything to help her. I know she didn't mean to get caught up like this. I know who she is right now, isn't really Jenny. I know she can't help saying the things she sometimes says that hurt. She doesn't mean to hurt me in any way and I do know that and I truly believe that. She is so beautiful, inside and out, and she made a real bad choice for which she alone is accountable for. She has to pay her consequences for whatever future choices she makes and I only pray and hope she makes the Godly ones. I know I cannot live my life crying anymore; I cannot live my life worrying anymore. I've got to live. I'm sad if she doesn't choose to live as well, but I know it has to be her choice. I have to let go and let God. I'm trying to do that and I really do want to do that. I can't stand watching shoppers in the stores and the Christmas lights twinkling and the Christmas music I love so much that now brings pain to me. I can't let that keep hurting me like it does.

I can't figure out how to love life and be happy when someone I love and care about so much is in so much pain and trouble. I know I have to trust God and I do; I just wish I could figure out how to be happy and feel joy when my precious daughter is slowly killing herself."

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: November 6, 2006, 8:58 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Thanksgiving is almost here. I find it nearly impossible not to keep my joy from exploding!! I'm going along, feeling good about life. Thankful my daughter is still working her recovery, thankful for my family and just so much and then, I see that thing that triggers a memory of when my daughter was in the throes of her addiction and it penetrates my joy But - here's the good thing - it only is there for just a moment - a brief and silent moment - and then it's all good again inside.

"December 8, 2003 - Monday, 7:37 pm

Brian called me this morning. He sounded a little down at first, but he sounded better as we talked more. The holidays will be hard for them overseas and at war. I just pray my Lord keeps our boy safe and brings home alive and well. I miss Brian so much. I can't wait to cook for him again! I can't for his big shoes to be lying in the middle of the floor - I just can't wait to hug him! And, Jenny. I can't wait to see her and hug her. I'm sort of scared 'cuz I don't know what I will find. A broken spirited addict with the fight of her life ahead of her. I pray she can make it. I've made so many internet friends on a recovery board who have gone thru similar things. It really helps me to talk to them. Jenny will come back Sunday. She will come back and God will deliver her from this horrible addiction. He is already moving on that. It's amazing how once I turned this over to God, He moved so quicly. When I kept trying to hang onto it, it was taking forever and all I felt was overwhelmed and full of grief. I am still sad, but I can rest better knowning God is in control. I did cry today, but it is better. I would have done better, but I caught up in a Christian song and it moved me and touched me being in this situation and all and I just cried - it just triggered it or I would have been okay. I think."


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: November 16, 2006, 9:01 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Once upon a time, a long time ago, I had no idea how far I needed to go. I had no concept of where I needed to get myself mentally. Today I have a little more peace in my soul and spring in my step. Today, I am doing okay.

"January 21, 2004, 8:23 pm

I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on. Mentally, it is very hard. I feel like mush on the inside and this shell that surrounds it, is so fragile, that if one more thing touches it, it will shatter to the ground. Is this what a nervous breakdown begins to feel like? I don't know. I need Brian home from Iraq and Jenny to stay clean and I need money to pay the bills. This is so hard. God help me. God help us.

January 23, 2004, 9:42 pm

The crisis has passed - I think. For the first time in my entire life, I thought I was going to step over that line - that line that separates the sane from the insane. I thought I was going to have a meltdown. I'm not sure what happened or even why. Brian is coming home in April and, for the moment, Jenny is clean off heroin and seems to be doing fine and going to NA meetings. I don't know what it is. When I was driving home the other night, I started crying so hard, I began to vomit. Then the other night, I felt as though I was sinking, going under, drowning, but not in water. I can't explain it really. I was scared, I thought my mind was going to snap. I didn't realize how fragile the human brain can be. I just kept thinking that I had to see Brian - I couldn't go under, not yet anyway. I just kept saying out loud to no one but myself that I had to see my son when he comes home from Iraq and hug him; I miss him so much. With all that's been going on with Jenny in addition to Brian being gone, I guess it was too much once I slowed down. I think it just came up behind me and slapped me in the head - real hard! Jenny has to make it, she just has to.

Right now, I feel very fragile. Like I could cry so easy. It's so funny, too, 'cuz even when I talk to people, even Jenny, I know they have no idea how much I am freaking out inside. I act so normal when I talk - I can tell. I think if they knew how scared I was inside or how ready I am to just lie down and cry and cry. I wonder if other people ever feel this way, too? Like an actor and life is a stage - all our real feelings are hidden down inside. I don't have anyone to share them with. I have no one to physically hold me and reassure me that everything is gonna be okay. I have God, though, and I have His word and HIs promises and it is on that I will stand!!

I'm going to visit Jenny tomorrow to go to a Fitness Expo with her. It will be fun. She went out with her friend, Aaron, lastnight. She met some of his friends and said she had only two beers. She said she had fun."



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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: November 30, 2006, 9:47 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I remember a time in my life when I used to be able to laugh and smile without a care in the world. Life was good. But then along came my daughter's addiction to heroin and my son's trip to Iraq. These things changed me, but, I believe, for the better. I never saw me as self-centered or particularly pre-occupied with myself, but now, now when I laugh, it is no longer without a care in the world. Now there is a very tender and raw spot in my heart that is reserved for that addict still using and for that mother, father or spouse who love them so very much. And in that same spot, is that soldier fighting overseas in a war which I don't quite understand. Always, always, when I smile and start to think about how grand my life is going now, I remember them and whisper a silent prayer.


"February 25, 2004 9:04 pm

Sometimes I just sit all alone in my living room, the tv is on and yet it feels so quiet, so lonely. I feel like as though I am all alone in this world. The silence surrounds me and at times it feels like it's going to pull into some abyss from where I might not ever return. Things seem almost dreamlike at moments. I wonder about Jenny - is she really clean? I shouldn't have these doubts and I don't want to. I want to live my life, but it's so hard to move ahead. I'm scared that when I start to, I'm going to get pushed back again. LIke when she left this summer and I felt like she was beginning her life, independent, and that now my life could start. I was fixing up my house and feeling so alive, or was I? I though I should get some help...mental help. I love God and I know He is there and He is always with me. It's just that sometimes, sometimes it's still lonely and I get scared of what could happen. Funny, when I look at what I just wrote, I realize how crazy that is. How can a person ever be happy if they are worrying about what could happen. I have to quit that."

This post has been edited by MotherW on November 30, 2006, 9:50 PM

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: December 4, 2006, 10:20 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Thanksgiving has come and gone and that old song kept running thru my head..."what a wonderful world." Old wounds are healed, or at least buried for now. My daughter was with us for the first time in a very long time and she was clean. I am hopeful that 2007 will be a whole new year of discovery and continued growth...for both of us.

"March 17, 2004 7:57 am

2003 has been the most horrific year of my entire life. I hope and pray that I never have to relive something like that again. I try not to keep looking back at it, but it haunts me. I always say you can't move forward if you are looking back, but 2003 tugs at my mind almost constantly some days. Brian went off to war and I never dreamed in my whole life that would happen. The very thought of it terrified me. And, drugs were never something I thought about with my own children. I never thought they would enter our lives. But, now I have been touched by the very things I never dreamed would happen. Now, I just have to learn how to live with it all. I have to learn how to adjust my mind. Soon, Brian will be home. I pray constantly that he comes back emotionally, spiritually and physically whole. And, soon, Jenny will be back. I pray, too, constantly for her to return emotionally, spiritually and physically whole. I know she is back physicially, but he road to recovery is long. And, so now that we are in 2004, I fearfully wait to see what it will bring. I want to explode in joy and thanksgiving, but I'm scared to. I'm scared to have faith for a better year. I thought when Jenny got clean in 2002, she was really getting clean - I had no idea that all along she was still using. How blind can I be? I wonder if I am blind now? This is indeed a hard, hard road. But, I do not walk alone - I know my God is with me and I know that even though my roots have been shaken in a way like they have never known, they are still rooted. I know the furthest I can fall is to my knees. I know my Lord is taking care of me and carrying me and keeping me as strong as I can be through all this. And, I know, too, that He will make it all good - I just have to keep the faith even when it's hard to walk some days, I have to keep the faith and know that He is there and with Him, I will overcome."


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: December 11, 2006, 10:57 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



My daughter's many relapses helped not only her to grow, but myself as well. You know up until this heroin thing, I always fancied myself as a "strong" woman. Ha! Little did I know how much I had to grow. And, even now, though I know I have grown in strength, I know there will always be room for continued growth. And, actually, I am thankful for that. The pain of my daughter's addiction will always be with me - whether she is using or not. Somehow, by the grace of God, I am learning to co-exist with that pain and I am continuing to grow.

"Monday, April 5, 2004, 8:08 pm

Something deep down in my gut is telling me something isn't right. Lord, I pray I am wrong and it is just suspicion. But something is tearing at me and it won't go away. Jenny is spending so much money and says she is going out and spending a lot on cab fare. I don't know - I just don't buy it. She didn't go to her meeting tonight. I don't know - just lots of unexplained things. She isn't talking so negative about the drug anymore, but is instead wondering if her life was actually better before. Says all the stress of a job and stuff is making it hard. Oh, Lord, as I re-read what I type and I see it in black and white, I am terrified. Oh, please, just don't let it be. Gosh, I think of all the things she's said lately: like, "I should have stayed with you for awhile." "I think I'm getting a cold." and she had sniffles. She doesn't eat much anymore - she asked, "Didn't you notice?", and I guess I did, but I don't know what I was thinking. Supposedly, she is drinking, but I don't know. It would break my heart, but I would not spend another penny on her. She supposedly is just sitting around that apartment all the time with that new guy "friend" of her's and supposedly she says he doesn't like heroin - only marijuana and alcohol. As if that's better?? She must think I'm stupid. But. it's tearing me up. I love her, though, I love her so much and I will stay in prayer for her..and for myself. Brian should be back from Iraq within just a few weeks - my heart will sing with joy! I cannot wait - I think that is a lot of what keeps me going!! That - and God!"


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: January 1, 2007, 7:32 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



It's a new year - 2007. Okay, I am going to work harder at being stronger. I don't really have a plan to do that, but I have to figure it out some kind of way. It was one of those nights lastnight where you keep having that same dream over and over again. I kept dreaming Jennifer was getting heroin. I hated those dreams. The good thing was that I didn't even think about it when I woke up this morning. The dreams woke me during the night, but I had forgotten about them until just a bit ago. I guess a part of me is concerned for Jennifer. Just some things going on that make me uncomfortable, but I have to push past that. I have to refocus. I have to catch myself and let go. Cripes, I am a CONSTANT work in progress!! Sometimes I get sick of it all.

"Sunday, April 11, 2004, 7:45 pm

It's Easter. I am thankful for God's gift in the risen Christ. I am heartbroken at the news I received today. Brian called me - he's not coming home from Iraq! He was told his stay was going to be extended - he was due to fly home April 15 - 4 days away! I don't understand this at all. The fighing in Fallujah didn't seem all that bad that it would warrant this. I don't understand - I miss Brian so much. So, here I go, crying again. It seems like that's a lot of what I've been doing lately. Can you run of out tears? I don't know. Jenny is doing good, though. She was thinking she was stronger than she was, though. Maybe even having thoughts that she could be around Ben and not use; thinking it might be okay for him to come here. She knows better now - and this knowledge came to her from the words of a recovering alcholic working at a bar. An old bartender she knows and respects - God works through all kinds of people. I just pray and believe that Brian will be coming home soon; I just can't accept any less. I tried not to cry when he told me, but I couldn't help it. I thought I was going to lose it. I can't image how he must feel. Dear God, please hold him close to you, bring him peace and patience. Thank you , God."

This post has been edited by MotherW on January 1, 2007, 7:33 PM

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: January 29, 2007, 9:12 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I have learned so much through my daughter's addiction. I have learned to make time my friend...and my friend has brought me to a new life. I say a new life because that's really what it is. I am living in a new way now and in a peculiar sort of way, my new life actually has so much more depth to it now. The rose colored glassed are gone - I don't need them anymore.

"Sunday, July 4, 2004 9:00 pm

July 4 and here I am - home. Home enveloped in my own private grief. A grief so strong that sometimes it seems like it could nearly destroy me. Yet, it does not. I go on. By the strength and the grace of God - I go on. So many reasons that only joy should flow through my soul, yet it doesn't. At times, thoughts of yesterdays and fears of tomorrow cripple me. Brian is still in Iraq. He has only two more days of missions and then he goes to Kuwait and should be flying home around July 19. I want to burst with joy at the thoughts of that, but I get nervous thinking it might not really happen. I miss him so much. So very much. No holiday is the same without him here.

Jenny is doing good, but not going to NA meetings anymore and that bothers me. It really bothers me. She's not using - she says - and I believe her, yet there is a little tug at me refusing to fully let go and believe. I think she just works so much and then spends her spare time with this new boyfriend and just doesn't find the time for the meetings, but I sure do wish she would. I am going to pray she makes it back to a meeting real soon and gets her 6 month key chain. I finally understand the words to the Christian song- not sure how it all goes, but the chorus says, "Please hurry..." and I get it. I pray He hurries and delivers us unto a new heaven. Praise God and help me to keep on hanging on until you see fit to return.

I wonder when I will ever learn to live again."

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: February 5, 2007, 9:46 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



It feels good to have fun again. Gosh, it feels good to laugh. I didn't know if that would ever happen again, but it has. I feel stronger inside. Still, I can't help but wonder, can I just laugh now because my daughter has been off heroin for over a year? I don't want my joy to be based on where Jenny is in her recovery. Just how deep is my own recovery? No matter how deep it goes, I do know this much, I know I will survive - I will survive. Life is God's gift to me - how can I not embrace it?? Yes, I will be okay.

"Sunday, July 18, 2004 10:37 pm

I had a realization tonight. I realized I couldn't just let joy pour out of me anymore. I am still grieving. I am afraid. I am afraid to let joy run through my veins for fear it be stolen away again. It's pushed way down deep, but I feel bad I don't let it up..but I can't. Tonight, for one brief moment it started pushing itself out and I started to sing out loud , but then I froze and I realized I can't do that - I can't sing out loud, I can't let myself get too happy 'cuz if I do, the fall is a lot harder. Brian is coming back from Iraq on Thursday. I hope that doesn't change. And, Ben called here for Jenny yesterday, but I am not going to tell her. She seems to finally be getting herself back on track. I think. I want to believe that, but a part of me just doesn’t. I saw on her cell phone bill where she called Ben. She denies it, but it's right there. I hate those ugly lies - they remind me of heroin and how she used to lie to me then. All the ugly little lies she was telling me...and herself. Joy. I hope I haven't lost it forever."


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: February 7, 2007, 8:47 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



War is war - whether it is amongst the nations or within ourselves. And, if we plan our strategy just right, victory should be ours. I believe that. I don't believe we can just let ourselves keep going day in and day out without any goal in sight and we just can't think it will go away. There comes a time in our life when we have to stand up and fight for our own sanity or else we will never be whole again. It is up to each one of us who are flooded with desparation and gripped by fear to somehow get a battleplan and fight for our own lives. I may have lost some battles, but I do believe I am winning the war!

"Saturday, July 24, 2004 11:09 pm

Brian is back! He is back in the United States he is back at his base! I just hung up from talking to him. When I found out he actually was on the plane - that the 933rd was really coming home - my legs turned to rubber. I wasn't sure how I could walk and I cried silent tears. I was at work and I just couldn't believe the news!! Now after talking to him, it seems he is changed. In a good way, though. More serious, more mature. It seems like he forgets he was away at war - he doesn't seem to understand the tears or why people would want to buy the soldiers dinner. He says it feels wierd to see grass and trees and deer. No more sand. He said the air feels clear. They left Kuwait and flew to Budapest, then to Bangor, Maine, and then home! I really wanted to be there to see him, but he didn't want me to. He said to wait until he's finally released and I will respect his wishes. I think he needs time right now to soak it all in. He said in a peculiar sort of way, he misses Iraq. It was his home for 18 months. I can't wait to see him!

I took Friday off and went up to see Jenny. She had a rough couple days - wanted to use, but didn't. She called her sponsor and went to a meeting. She quit her job and I just hope and pray she will find another one soon. Money is really tight, but I know I said as long as she gets home and clean that wouldn't be an issue. I got to trust God. I can't believe Ben called me and had the nerve to ask for Jenny and to ask for her number or where she was!! I feel for Ben – I know he has issues. But he and Jenny can never be. Never. She has tried so hard to come away from the grasp of that deadly drug that Ben put into her arm to begin with. For a heroin addict to make the choice to walk away from that life, it is a real miracle. July 14 was 7 months. A long time - but not long. She'll make it - she just has to.

My joy should not be dependent upon Brian or Jenny. My joy should be upon the Lord. So why can't I let go and just let it flow like it used to. Like it used to before war and heroin? Why do I keep looking back? Why can't I let it go?

Well, I just hung up from Jenny. She called me upset about this new guy she's seeing. My opinion is she could do a lot better - he sounds like a real loser, but I guess he treats her okay. At least they don't do heroin I dont' think. Anyway, I didn't say that to her, but she was upset with me because I suggested maybe she talk to him tomorrow when she hasn't been drinking. I don't know - she got mad, said she had to go. She cursed - not at me, but she curses so much - like she used to when she used heroin.

I wish she would turn to God - I wish that so bad. Where is she going, oh please, God, save her. My heart is so broken; sometimes it feels like it will never be fixed again. I want only for her to be happy. It pains me so much that she isn't. From the bottom of my heart, I pray, Oh Lord, rescue her, and bless her - and help me, please. Thank you, Jesus."

This post has been edited by MotherW on February 7, 2007, 8:48 PM

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: February 12, 2007, 11:57 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I wonder if there will come a time when I quit straining my ear to the phone listening for that little sound that Jenny would get in her voice when she was high. I hate that I do that, but I haven't quite learned how to stop that one. I guess I should probably work on the other stuff, too. I know I need to stop looking for the pinpoint pupils and secretly trying to look at her arms. Cripes! Good thing she lives 65 miles away!! Sometimes I feel so scrambled inside.

"December 11, 2004, Saturday: 11:53 pm

Well, well...where have I been for so long! My computer was on the outs and I just finally got it fixed. Enough about that - Brian is home!! Really home - he came home July 28 and I will NEVER forget that day in all my life. When that bus pulled up and I saw him marching to formation, I thought I was going to faint. I couldn't even believe it was really him. I didn't want to let go of him when I hugged him - it felt so good. He looked so good. Man, how do I describe that feeling. I can't find the words. Maybe like someone who was lost and wondering in the desert when they finally see a lake of cool clean water. It bothered me that Jenny didn't come. It was just me and my sisters and my niece that went to pick Brian up. Why couldn't Jenny be there? I don't get to see her that much these days. Anyway, what a day of anticipation! We got there early - it was probably 5 hours or so before the buses finally rolled in - they had a police escort from each suburb and even in the city. People were pulling over on the tollway to let the soldiers thru and it was amazing. The media was everywhere and there was music and food and drinks and it was so incredibly hot out, but I didn't care! It was surreal. It was so nice when it was all over and it was just me and Brian and we could just talk. I had so much I wanted to talk to him about...but that was going to have to wait. He had his own stories to tell.

It will be one year on December 14 - three more days, that Jenny will have been clean off of heroin. She is still seeing this guy named Taz whom I've never met yet. She is not going to NA but still stays in touch with her sponsor - she says. She is working as a nanny and seems well adjusted to it and seems happy finally. She has problems with Taz - relationship things, she spends a lot of time with him - in fact, he stays at her apartment every night - he doesn't have a place of his own. I think he might be a mooch and so does she, but she says she is just enjoying the moment right now and will see what happens.

So many things that have happened, changes in all of us - yes, even me. I think good changes finally, but I am tired now so I will right more later. God is good - thank God for His son Jesus and for our many blessings."


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: February 24, 2007, 12:18 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I have good days and bad days. Mostly good days - thank God, but those bad days make my head swim. If we could just turn back the clock. They say "if" is the biggest word in the English lanuage..and I beieve it!

"Friday, December 31, 11:43 pm

Well, it's almost 2005. Oh Lord, my heart is breaking - I am so afraid Jenny is using again. I want to believe her when she says she has the flu and she is just really depressed, but I don't. She talked to me with such anger in her voice that I am almost sure she is covering up again. She said she broke up with Tazm, but I don't believe her. I checked her cell phone account and I saw where he text her and she text him back. I don't know but I think, I wonder, if he is getting her heroin. God, I hope not. Oh, Jesus, please let me be wrong. So many lies from her, so many lies. She said she didn't text him and that he only text her twice, but because I could see the cell phone bill, I know for a fact she was lying. How is she going to get up out of this mess again? Jesus is the only way. Oh, Lord, help, please help."



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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: March 6, 2007, 10:59 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



So - I am learning to co-exist with my daughter without making her and her recovery the focal point of my life. Man, it has taken some real work! I have to make a conscious choice to go away for the weekend or to even turn off my cell phone at the movies!! But, I am doing it - but, again, it doesn't come as a natural instinct - I think about it before I do it - I think about "what if she needs me." I think about it for a moment and I wonder if it will ever just be a natural act?? Time will tell - it's showed me so much already.

"Sunday, January 2, 2005, 7:59 pm

Well, Jenny and I had an argument today. A big one. She seems so mean, like she did when she used. I could tell as I was talking to her the past couple days that there was a tone in her voice similar to how she sounded when she used. I was thinking she was mad at me because I told her I saw suspicious calls on the cell bill – for which I pay!! She grew confrontational at that point and it was after that she had that attitude with me. It was ugly today, though. She was cool and distant - oh, Jesus, I swear it is like when she used.

She started saying I was the reason why she made the choices she did. I know that's not true, but it is painful to hear her say those things. She doesn't want to see her sponsor anymore - she says she wants to get a new one. She doesn't go to NA anymore.

A few times when I've talked to her, I felt an odd sense in my gut when I heard her voice. It didn't sound right. I can't tell if it's from the problems with her boyfriend or from drugs. But I also know, I can't be treated like that by her I put so much of my money and time in to help her. I have no regrets that I did, but I am not going to be pushed around and treated like that I wouldn't let anyone else talk to me like that and I am not going to take it from her either. I love her with all my heart and all my soul and would do anything for her, but I am not going to be a doormat. I know she wantrs to push me away so she can make her choices - no matter how wrong - and not feel that guilt she must feel when she talks to me. She said if I wouldn't have called her all the time in California, she would probably still be there. I thought she got clean 'cuz she wanted to?? I did not tell her to come home!!

God help me if I step back, help her, okay, God? I am going to step back and I just pray, dear Jesus, that you take over totally. I don't know what's going on with her, but the signs are heartbreaking to me. Oh help me, Jesus. Keep me strong and let me find joy through you, sweet Jesus - my dear, dear friend. I love you, please help me 'cuz I can't help myself."


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: March 12, 2007, 11:02 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I can't believe that sometimes a whole day goes by and I haven't reflected even once on my daughter's addiction. I can't believe I actually went out and bought myself some very special and richly scented lotion and shampoo. I can't believe a lot of things these days...especially just how good God has been to me. And, pardon the cliche, I can't believe I can finally begin to exhale!

"January 13, 2005, Thursday, 8:08 pm

My suspicions about Jenny using are peaked to the max. She said she has not felt well for the past several days - sinuses she says. She said she threw up today at work - supposedly the smell of some dog food made her sick - dog food at work?? Then she said she was having chills and she was sniffling and coughing and yawning. Oh Lord, I am fairly certain of what those signs mean. I asked you, Lord, to tell me if she was. And I do believe you are trying. But, you know me, Lord - I just can't seem to let it in my head. Yesterday she said she almost didn't go to work and was going to go to the doctor for her "sinuses." It's not her sinuses. I know it, but I can't bring myself to believe it - not really. Yet, if I think of how her voice sounds and how she is tired and stuff. I don't know - it all sounds like before when she used. Her period was really, really bad this time - like how it gets if you use, then quit. She doesn't want me to spend the night because she claims I get up too early. She says she might come back and stay here overnight - but I don't think she will. She's just talking. Oh God - my heart is breaking. Why, oh Lord, why. Jesus, my dear friend, there is no one I can talk to - just you. So please be patient with me - my joy will return - it will. And I will try not to whine too much. Oh Lord, I don't want to lose her. I give her to you, Jesus, please - you take care of her, okay."


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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