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Posted: August 9, 2006, 10:27 PM
what a time waster weed is. it's often my first awakeing .....
i remember saying to a friend the last time how much more i can get done in a day. i remembered this tonight as i limp along. i'm in worse shape than that time but i hope soon to clear out my head and to be not only making lists but getting things done. i was at the point that i didn't even make lists. (everyone who knows me gasps; jojo not making lists. jojo not doing laundry. jojo not vacuuming. jojo not writing letters/e-mails..... jojo's not cleaning the home before bed? what's wrong with jojo?) i wanted to write this out. this time. this time it all feels different. let's see what the next few days bring. jojo jones 8.9.06 edit to say... as a symbolic jesture i promised myself i would stop when my lighter ran out. it ran out. the biggest thing i did today, i didn't buy a new lighter. This post has been edited by JoJo Jones on August 9, 2006, 11:55 PM -------------------- WAR IS OVER! - IF YOU WANT IT -John Lennon & Yoko Ono- | ||
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Posted: August 11, 2006, 11:22 PM
i feel as if it's the first nite of summer:)! we are going away for the weekend to visit our friends at the nj shore. i'm almost ashamed that my daughter has not been to the beach yet this summer. going away to visit our friends, them and the place just 'grounds me' ... we were there in may/june but today's realization: my life seemed to have stopped during the time of a visit there in late april . it was the day after enormous family stuggles (with my mother and moving her and taking all the resonsiblity, inheriting the sad scene my father left me.... i was emotionally wiped. maybe that's near when the p/u happ'd i'll have to figure that out hmmmm. but ALL that's gone on with my mother, husband and life... like a bad dream. except most things with my daughter that i love. i feel like i'm waking up to summer. i feel like dororthy in the wizard of oz when she woke "you and you and you were there" ... i have to analyaze this feeling....
don't know if it's the letting go of weed or feeling a shift of mindset or of the family load. or all.. hubbie took the young one to the playground, i'm doing some light beachy laundry. will be a clean weekend for sure. the more clean time behind me the better i am. in addition: tonights question to a good friend...who is clean over a year, who has a friend that left some weed at his house.... my question and comment i felt blog worthy. "how did you turn away from that bud? funny question from an ex cig smoker who is anti cigs. there was a time when a left behind cig i would have kept for the future, but now. ech. gone. yuck. i hope to feel that way about weed someday........... peace! jojo jones This post has been edited by JoJo Jones on August 11, 2006, 11:26 PM -------------------- WAR IS OVER! - IF YOU WANT IT -John Lennon & Yoko Ono- | ||
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Posted: August 21, 2006, 11:48 PM
still having a hard time. i can't focus or think it's harder than ever this time. my eyes are bloodshot and my spirit is so weak. i keep thinking of the an old anti drug ad "the mind is a terrible thing to waste" what have i done to mine? i have no urges, no jones this time. just the desire to feel like myself again off the grass! i have never felt this way before. maybe this time done is f-ing done!
-jojo -------------------- WAR IS OVER! - IF YOU WANT IT -John Lennon & Yoko Ono- | ||
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Posted: September 4, 2006, 11:16 PM
my letter to hippinerd and his response kinda sums it up. ooops i miscalculated, not quite a month but wtf? huh.... feels like a year! 5 days short but i made my goal, never did that before. soon maybe i'll be taking that happiness quiz and maybe scoring without a note from the tester "we are sorry you feel this way" lol but sad........ i'm trying.... if only 'they' knew ......
but they would all hold it against me. so i go on with my forum friends, keeping me sane, relating to this pain and helping me on my way once again.... ------------ ------ ----- hi hippienerd- how are you doing, are you having an okay weekend? things are might crazy here, the girl is starting kindergarten on tuesday and she's a tad anxious. which is unusual for her. but whew. she lost it today at this little girl on the playground. never saw such behavior it must be stress... worry.... nonetheless i am here and clean and quite, if i must say clear. in fact i had turned off for the night, realized i hadn't written to you and got back on to drop you a rare but upbeat e-! tonights' miracle. well i put if off all of it, first course of action getting clean. then the rest. tonight.... all of a sudden came the house work, the bills (mostly my mother's cause all mine are eft's) and mail order returns AND a letter of recommendation of for the woman who was my father's health aide and my mother's as well. all put off for months... and more! we were at the playground today and i was getting ansy. i told hubbie i needed to go home to vaccuum. usually that would mean go home, light up, clear out the smell and then vaccuum. quilt free i went home and f***ing vaccummed. THEN i wrote the rec' letter. lovely if i must say so and addressed and stamped it. paid my mother's bills.... stamped em too. referred to my list of a week ago and went further. been having problems with my mac. serious problems. decided to face em. went online and did some research. seems that there is a recall for my serial number go figure. so hopefully that is the bug. oh man hippie i can go on. it's almost 1am and i am buzzing naturally. sure been having my woes. but i'm doing it. i'm not craving. i have my moments of thinking ah it would be nice. then the next moment..... no it wouldn't be cause one wouldn't be enough you know? and this is it. is done, done? still soon to tell but my kid is starting the big k and i'm not going to be a stoner mom. i am starting her clean. i feel so good about it. honest about my life. i needed to share this with you. sure i'm afraid of failing again but if i can hold onto this feeling........ so i'm about to upload for the first time in MONTHS my palm pilot details that i updated. going to make a new list. it's a miracle!!! i also better get to sleep or i'll regret all this tomorrow. and the dreams s**k. but each morning i admit they are a testiment to my clean time. am i saying all this, is it really me? needed to let you know. my guru, my friend. did xx write, she's suffering... it's me and the hardcharger touting clean time once again. wondewoman IS doing sacred time. i thought you'd be proud. i think you may want to patent the name:) okay some stuff and to bed. i hope you are well, enjoying this weekend. tomorrow if i get a laundry clean so the young one has clean school clothes i've done my job! a s***y summer with a clean ending. cool! really doing my job - i've never met a goal before:) thanks for listening....... i hope i'm doing you proud!!! i hope you are fine:) xo jojo ---------------------- LOL, Doing me proud? Heck you made my eyes water, you go girl! *[referred to my list of a week ago and went further] yea, I remeber when that happened to me... I had finally managed to be honest about my sacred time. It was supposed to be from 9am til noon, but I found that if I was strict about it I would be watching the clock, making sure I got that last hit in just before 9...so I gave myself a 10 min grace period in which to do a 'jump off' hit so I wouldn't obsess. By doing this I found that I would look up and it would be 9:15 and I hadn't done a hit since my wake up hit, or maybe not even that one, so I told myself it would be ok to pick up at 11:30 (remember, whatever works is good, and the fact is I was smoking less...sacred time was expanding) but I felt it was important to be able to make it all the way. So the important thing became to fill the time so that I wouldn't violate the rules. And I still remember the day when I looked at the clock and saw 10 min to go, so instead of running to the pipe I picked up another thing from the list something easy, short...but something happened and I got distracted from the clock, and the next thing I knew it was 1pm. Sacred time continued to grow from there, (unfortunately I can't claim that my list has shrunk significantly--sie la vie) to whole days, weeks,...finally I found myself smoking and not even enjoying it anymore-it was then I knew that done is done, the only way to quit, is to quit. So your miracle story made my eyes moist and I am proud of you...grasshopper. xo- hippienerd This post has been edited by JoJo Jones on September 4, 2006, 11:21 PM -------------------- WAR IS OVER! - IF YOU WANT IT -John Lennon & Yoko Ono- | ||
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Posted: September 7, 2006, 12:03 AM
another e-mail to hippie, i see writing to him is also worthy of a post in my recovery diary. and so....
hi- i originally posted as a post to ww. thought i'd share with you. today was tough i'm very tired this new school schedule and the stress is taking a lot out of me... triggers everywhere. i turn corners and avoid them all. all i know is if i was getting high thru this i'd be more of a mess, much more. the fact i am doing this is amazing in itself. and be be here 100% for the young one is what it's all about. ww had suggested i ask one of the non stoner mom's to coffee after school drop off.... hence my talking about moms.... and friendship. that too will come.... i hope all is well. i am so tired my eyes sting and so.... goodnight! xo jojo ----- hi ww- thanks for your words. yes 'stretching' is exactly what i am doing. today was hard. tonight i am so tired, so much to do, i was overwhelmed.... found myself starting to rationalize...... ie if i don't get this place in order by such a date i'll smoke and organize this mess once and for all and then stop smoking. %yea, rite% you and i well know that is irrational thinking. is disorder in the house so important to fix that i will surrendor my clean time? reminds me of some of the greek mythology i read to my daughter ....as if i am trading in part of my soul for some 'greek-god-like' behavior or favor; to find what i feel is impossible order in my home. there must be another way. and i must say i am stupidly tired. so with that i'm taking my own advice and getting some much needed sleep. i don't know if this even makes sense. man, i hope it does! but first.... ohhh the world trade center memorial lights. oh they are beautiful, i think they turned them on last night, tonight or so. my husband called from band practice and told us to go to the roof to look at the harvest moon. unfortunately the moon was covered by clouds but the lights from the memorial were reaching up to the sky, up, up ... till it's a cluster of light and you can see no more. you know i'm not a spritual person and some guy on my roof said he thought the memorial really wasteful or something to that degree. i spoke otherwise, told him i am an athiest and this is about as spiritual as i get, but how at that spot where so much energy and spirit and love... and LIFE was swept away in a flash is now memorialized by a light reaching into the sky, into the heavens and beyond.... i told him to follow the light, that energy ...and that in my opinion was infinity. he was speechless. so was i actually:) please google the image .... the world trade center lights memorial or something like it, i'm not sure how long it will be lit.... this week and hopefully longer. i hope it's for the month of sept. i wish you had seen it when you were here. personally i'd love it all year long. anyway that's my little bit about the lights of 3000 and more souls. one of the rabbi's who spoke in the days or maybe months following said "3000 people did not die, one person died 3000 times". i'll never forget that and that's what i think when i see the light going up into the sky and beyond. okay. my big speech for tonight. i get very weepy this time of year. it's uncontrollable but i am not alone i see it in the streets on the faces of the passers by. oh and yes the moms..... actually i don't have any stoner mom friends. i have very few stoner friends as i smoke(d) alone. i just know who they are, like to know one cause i was/am/was one. most of my 'mom' friends are for the most part very 'straight' as we would say.... one friend never tried the stuff. and the other's only discuss it only as something they did crazy in college. they know i have a history but not the bottom line. they are all my age or near-about. my thing is i need to make better friends of these mom's as you suggested would be great. so your suggestion is a good one. tomorrow night the PTA is hosting a bbq for the new students. again... egadds against my character we are going. i will mix and mingle and be as friendly as possible. and yes though most of us have morning places to rush off too, morning coffee is difficult, but some of us playground moms have been talking about a movie or a group walking club or maybe a yoga class or as i suggested a cup of tea one evening.... they too need the comradarie and friendship. they all have their stories....they are so unlike the friends i chose long ago. but i've told you about my shi**y friends. maybe i would have been better off in many ways had i chosen others... yet who know's my experiences along with my shi**y friends brought me to this place. i'm letting go of so much regret this week. saturday will be a month. maybe i'll go to the roof and stare at the lights in the sky. i'm glad you are having better days and nights too. i'm glad you see how wonderful this 'sacred time' is. i hope the going keeps going well. hippie would love to hear from you if ever you need the 'real' thing. he is my guru afterall:) okay enough jojo theory. i must go to bed so i can mix and mingle at breakfast with the kids and their moms and dads too! and somehow click into this new routine.... and tomorrow also drag myself to work. first time time in a week .... oh no! thinking of you all.... excuse my rambling. i'm tired and ..... feeling quite humble. love to you and to all..... try to stay off the grass! :) jojo -------------------- WAR IS OVER! - IF YOU WANT IT -John Lennon & Yoko Ono- | ||
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Posted: October 2, 2006, 7:22 PM
a most humbling humliating experinece. i don't know what to say but i have to watch what i say. my anger is not good. then again i have a lot to be angry about but not here. personally, politically and certainly professionally.... it may help in the real world but not here in a cyber forum.
okay onto the rest... onto another phase. in the here and now i'm upset. took my thc pee test after almost 2 months and failed. why? if a daunted spirit is the answer then it is. still clean though, and clean-ing as i write. did mega loads of laundry today and downsized by several shopping bags to the local thrift store. more to sort and sift before they get home. so off to it. disqusted with me. i've quoted this before and don't want this misunderstood. this respresents my frame of mind. regarding me. before, then and now; once, again... Disorder in the house The tub runneth over Plaster's falling down in pieces by the couch of pain Disorder in the house Time to duck and cover Helicopters hover over rough terrain Disorder in the house Reptile wisdom Zombies on the lawn staggering around Disorder in the house There's a flaw in the system And the fly in the ointment's gonna bring the whole thing down The floodgates are open We've let the demons loose The big guns have spoken And we've fallen for the ruse Disorder in the house It's a fate worse than fame Even the Lhasa Apso seems to be ashamed Disorder in the house The doors are coming off the hinges The earth will open and swallow up the real estate I just got my paycheck I'm gonna paint the whole town grey Whether it's a night in Paris or a Fresno matinee It's the home of the brave and the land of the free Where the less you know the better off you'll be Disorder in the house All bets are off I'm sprawled across the davenport of despair Disorder in the house I'll live with the losses And watch the sundown through the portiere --------------------- the late warren zevon RIP This post has been edited by JoJo Jones on October 2, 2006, 8:13 PM -------------------- WAR IS OVER! - IF YOU WANT IT -John Lennon & Yoko Ono- | ||
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Posted: October 10, 2006, 1:21 AM
late as it is i needed to give myself some kudos. 8 weeks. not that i'm counting lol:) i hate to count for some reason i'm making the months this time. never made it this long with out a slip or a sneak. i'm clean.
tomorrow the doc and then a diet. gotta get rid go some fat cells to ace that pee test i failed. though i'm wondering if my meds gave a 'false positive'. we will see. taking some action in my life, the job ... no sense on words for it. but creating more work i love. want to take the workshop. want to help myself i am so stuck. again kudos to me, who thought i'd make it this far and the way i feel... will keep going. don't want to go back:)!!! whee hoo! ... jojo This post has been edited by JoJo Jones on October 10, 2006, 3:44 PM -------------------- WAR IS OVER! - IF YOU WANT IT -John Lennon & Yoko Ono- | ||
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Posted: December 12, 2006, 11:07 PM
time passes huh? i think i do better when i keep a journal rite here. above board for me and my truths. but still trusting few. i have learned much about all this. more clean time than ever and i have felt deeply that though weed is a band aid to my soul it really is not. after it enhances it takes me further and then starts robbing me of time and more. because i can not control it. no matter how, what i neogatiate i can not. more to go but i'm understanding this i think...
kinda excited ... xo jojo -------------------- WAR IS OVER! - IF YOU WANT IT -John Lennon & Yoko Ono- | ||
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Posted: March 18, 2007, 11:39 PM
i'm back to clean up... gotto do it and stick with my plan to stick with it. re-read what i'd been writing i was doing so well... then not so well...
my life is in a bad place, the weed soothed me and numbed me so well. now i wake up like before and think again, "what a time waster weed is". i need some real clean time to get this going again... like other times i am disqusted with me... and blah blah... somedays i feel i can't do it. most days i know i have to. it's hard to jump off... especially when things are so bad here. but a part of me knows all that could quite possibly change if i clean up. who wants to turn 50 still addicted to weed? how awful will i feel...? note to self...remember that kiddo....as i got a few months to make myself proud. let's see what i can do for me, for my family who love and believe it or not trust me. This post has been edited by JoJo Jones on March 18, 2007, 11:39 PM -------------------- WAR IS OVER! - IF YOU WANT IT -John Lennon & Yoko Ono- | ||
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Posted: April 10, 2007, 10:39 PM
i woke this morning to find my 6 year old daughter touching my face. she asks, "mama did you get new skin?" i laughed but i knew what she meant.
each time i get clean i watch my skin renew... weed seems to give me a gray tone... and my pale 'irish' skin and green eyes come alive again. i asked my daughter what she meant she said just that it looks all new. i told her to best keep quiet about it or people will think i had some plastic surgery lol. this is another perk of coming clean. it won't erase the years but healthy is the word i think i'm looking for. amidst a terrible emotional time i've been going thru lately (not really related to weed). i figure if this 'glow' can shine thru imagine when i feel better. just thought i'd throw this out to you folks as i know we all need all the inspiration we can get. ... jojo This post has been edited by JoJo Jones on April 11, 2007, 9:14 PM -------------------- WAR IS OVER! - IF YOU WANT IT -John Lennon & Yoko Ono- | ||
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Posted: April 11, 2007, 10:58 PM
in my dreams i go back to my childhood neighborhood... last night i was sitting at the school bus stop just down the road from my parents old home. but i was me, now. i was watching the children, probably wondering where it all went wrong for me...i woke with this song breaking my heart. only clean time gives me such clear dreams and such truth. this song is so wistful... just like my memories of my old neighborhood and the mixed up little girl that grew up there.
It is the evening of the day I sit and watch the children play Smiling faces I can see But not for me I sit and watch As tears go by My riches cant buy everything I want to hear the children sing All I hear is the sound Of rain falling on the ground I sit and watch As tears go by It is the evening of the day I sit and watch the children play Doin things I used to do They think are new I sit and watch As tears go by (m. jagger/k. richards) -------------------- WAR IS OVER! - IF YOU WANT IT -John Lennon & Yoko Ono- | ||
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Posted: November 14, 2007, 1:16 AM
i'm here again. sigh. wtf?
let's see what the next few days bring...? here again to help and make me accountable. so here i am... again. sigh. wtf? jojo This post has been edited by JoJo Jones on November 14, 2007, 1:16 AM -------------------- WAR IS OVER! - IF YOU WANT IT -John Lennon & Yoko Ono- | ||
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