13 Days Off Subs
Mel
Posted: February 14, 2018, 12:51 AM







So I've been reading a lot of these stories and just want to share mine. I've loved oxycodone in all its forms since I had my first perc as a teen. It wasn't a problem until I was in my 20s and broke my foot. After a couple months and cut off by doc, I started buying from dealers. I've gone through the withdrawals MANY times - feeling like I was gonna jump outta my skin, restless, aggravated, panicked, yawning, tearing etc. Benadryl used to knock me out if I couldn't get percs. At 23, I got pregnant and went through a 'final' withdrawal. I'm 5'2 and weighed about 105lbs back then with a super fast metabolism. 3-4 and I was good, like it never happened. Well, then a few years later I took a perv here and there for fun and didn't get back to being a full prisoner of the drug again UNTIL I had to get my wisdom teeth out at 29. I spent a lot of money buying scripts rationing myself to a Max of 60 MGS a day (4 15 mg immediately release oxy every 4 hours). I rationalized like an addict, pretending it was a perfectly logical amt if actually prescribed to me. I took pride in not going over this amt. Well, you know how it goes. You grow that tolerance and it's eventually just expensive maintenance if you're not gonna up your dose. So I put away my pride and saw a Suboxone doc in its heyday. The early years where they didn't know what they were doing (many still don't). I'll try to get to the point now: he gave me a script for THREE 8mg pills a day. Wayyyy too much. I've only ever needed abt 2mgs a day. I eventually went back to percs then finally for the last SEVEN yrs back on subs. I knew it was time to bury the addiction to my doc and the subs. I'm in my late 30s now and I've wasted a decade of my prime on this rollercoaster. The subs were worse in the sense that they caused me not to feel. I isolated myself, worked and went home. Didn't even listen to music, lest it make me feel. It was easy. Work, home, family stuff (very small fam so easy), read and lots of tv. I was once so pretty but now I feel like a shadow of my former self. I existed in a contented stupor. A life of mediocrity. So lately I'd been panicking about just how long I've been on the subs this time. I never went back to a doc. I bough 8 strips a month from a friend's husband for forty bucks. It was an extra expense, a small one. But 7 yrs was so long. I've ignored life and friends and now that I'm single again any possible chance for love for SEVEN YEARS. So the thought of quitting panicked me. I thought it would be like perc withdrawal. Intense but short. But with my now teen son, always needy and present and an aging granddad who lives down the street and has a key, I'd 'planned' to take a wk off work and sweat it out on a hotel alone, pretend I was going on a work trip bc being around other ppl is the WORST part of detox for me. Touching, talking, needing things. But as fate would have it, because I always buy JUST enough to last the month, I dropped my last half of my final 8th strip of the month in a small puddle on the bathroom floor. I watched it disintegrate, horrified. I had two tiny pieces, not even a full dose for me, in my wallet and I took one last Friday and the last on the next day. I was already feeling pain. I never understood how ppl said they could take subs once a day. I ALWAYS needed the next dose 5 or 6 hrs later. Perhaps bc my doses are small. I took 3 doses a day: before work, at noon, and finally at 5:30 when off work. Every now and then a tiny bit before bed. 2mgs a day. Every day. Seven years. So l thought I would've experienced similar withdrawal as I did to oxycodone. NOTHING like it. Tbh, this was so much worse and still is in many ways. Tomorrow will be two wks. The physical pain had mostly abated, but I am craving it here and there. I'm not worried abt that but the RLS is a BEAST. It's much better now, but initially I kicked and kicked. I did not sleep for 4 days, longest I'd ever gone w/o sleep ever. And I worked through it! Idk how but I went in the office every single day. I stocked up on all the OTC recommendations I could find. Nothing helped me sleep. If anything, the Imodium gave some temporary relief when I took 4 of them at a time. I don't want to trade a sub habit for a ridiculous loperamide habit, so I made sure to only do that every other day during the first wk. It was an impromptu thing for me, but everyone else should get real meds to help like Clonidine. I couldn't eat. I just got my appetite back yesterday. I could eat and sleep w perc withdrawal. And Benadryl (diphenhydramine so that means Tylenol/Advil PM too) exacerbates the RLS. It will not help! Learned that the hard way. I ended up taking 8 through the course of the 3rd night just trying to get even an hour. So now tomorrow is 2 wks. Some of this sub garbage must still be clinging to a few receptors bc my legs are still slightly restless, but I'm getting a solid 5-6 hrs of fitful sleep finally. When I just drive, music bumping like an eternal teenager, I feel fantastic, but now that I'm edging out of the 'acute' (honestly, this is the strangest withdrawal ever. Idk how to classify it. I replaced subs with percs the first time I was on em so this is my first and ONLY sub withdrawal) phase of withdrawal, I am fatigued and depressed. I have to face the shambles of a life I've made on this stuff. Ignoring life. I'm just disappointed it wasn't as easy as kicking percs in three days. I feel like I still have another couple weeks to go before I'm gonna feel right. Sorry for the long story. I felt compelled to share and also hope someone else has something to offer regarding their sub withdrawal timeline. I've read quite a few breakdowns abt the half life and how it might now be 21 days or so til it's really outta the system, regardless of a fast metabolism (mine isn't surely not as fast as it once was now that I'm older and was on subs so long). Anyway, take care and fight the good fight.
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Mel
Posted: February 14, 2018, 1:16 AM







Sorry for all the typos above - I typed out that entire thing on my cell, so it's a victim of autocorrect. I didn't take pervs, just percs🙄 and I didn't want to have a planned withdrawal on a hotel but in one. And, finally, I don't get down with the double negatives. Idk what happened at the end there. (Sorry, I'm a mild grammar jerk). Oh, last thing, which all these typos reminded me of - I have been so mentally distracted and uninterested in everything since quitting cold turkey. I'm struggling to find the right words, as well. I was telling a friend abt this show 'dude was running a** naked down the subway' but I meant to say submarine and I just couldn't think of the word. Also, I have not one iota of patience for TV anymore. Reading I can still do. Hope that improves because even before this nonsense, even as a 'cool' kid and teen, I was ultimately a homebody. Not some restless and inattentive jerk! Ugh I hope I like my job. The last week has been awful and I've only worked there on subs! (I got the job at the exact time I quit percs to pass the drug test and started taking the subs again). It is a tedious job but at least it's a well-paying job I somehow didn't manage to destroy in the process. Ok end rant. Peace
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Posted: February 14, 2018, 9:37 AM


Posts: 1
Joined: February 14, 2018



Mel- I just wanted to first say, congrats on getting through it. It's inspiring, yet scary that it's so drawn out. Going through withdrawal and having a kid is the pits. Like what you said, the touching, needing, talking... it's the simplest things they can want that set you over the edge to "need" to dose again. Just to get through the day. That is where I am at. I have a 3 yr old, only child and am a stay at home mom. Like you, I dose small through out the day. I have been tapering down, by my own will, for the past month due to anxiety. I've been on them for about 2 yrs and I think the guilt of taking them/ needing them to get through life's simplest days has finally caught up with me. I am prescribed a large dose by a doctor that gets paid a large amount of money for it. There is no tapering program. So, it's like I'm on my own with this. I wanted to jump off after a month of fast tapering but like you said it's a long slow process and I fear I'm not a functional mommy with out taking a small dose. And so what to do? I can't take time "off" even though I dream daily of driving to a hotel for a week. Did you ever do that? That sounds soo nice. Mmmhmm. I spend most of my day transfixed in my own head about this situation. The anxiety started because it probably dawned on me that I am still addicted to something. So, the act of taking even the smallest of doses literally spiraled into a panic attack. I feel better because I'm down to small "crumb" doses (zubsolv 5.7) usually in the morning around 9, then at 3pm. But boy, is it a struggle to muster up the energy to do the minimal things, like breakfast, laundry. I used to be able to use these suckers and clean, grocery shop, laundry, gym, look up a good recipe, and actually cook the recipe for dinner, take my kid out for a bike ride, or play, bathe, brush teeth, books and bed! Whew, super mom. Now, at such a low dose I am realizing my energy level was a facade. Not me. The pills. That is a scary realization. Every day I battle this. Good angel says, you will level out. Your tapering slow and steady. Your doing the best you can. Bad devil says, this is why you medicate. You can not stand the days with out it. You will be worthless with out them. Take another small dose- get those dishes done! And then I spiral for hours, letting these thoughts do battle. Like most addicts maybe I'm masking a depression. I am a homebody. I have no friends. Which is fact, not a pity statement. My relationship with family is severed, due in part to their own addictions and my secret one. It's a lonely road getting off these. And not one I am open to talking about to anyone, besides my fiancé. So support is what I'm looking for. Other moms, or peers to share experiences with. I was relieved to read your post. I am not alone because of it. And that, for today has made me feel less alone. Thank you. Side note- I am seeing my doctor today and going to share with him that I am at a new dose. This past month, has been so hard. I am considering to get back on an SSRI just to help mute out the anxiety. I know... more pills feels wrong. I am just feeling so insecure and not confident I can make it anymore. I'm really desperate. I hope you continue your progress and wish you all the luck in the world! Mom hugs xo
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Mel
Posted: February 16, 2018, 9:12 PM







Hi there! I am so happy my post helped you😊 It is a very lonely place, especially when friends don't understand the addiction or this weird drug. Opiates are messy and the withdrawal, at least for me, was always predictable. Buprenorphine is its own monster. When I wrote the post, I was a few days off. TODAY is actually my 13th day since my last dose. I was starting a vacation at worked and in my sleep deprived mind was writing on a Friday instead of a Tuesday. The days and nights just melted together for me after a while. I am feeling much better since writing that post. There are still cravings and moments of me reaching for my wallet to take a dose. When I realize my mistake, it's such a weird feeling! But I will not succumb to the cravings. A friend was worried I'd call someone for a strip but I explained that after beating Subs, the greater risk to the addict is going back to the opiates/opioids that led them there! I applaud your ability to be super mom while lowering your dose! The state of my home became a nightmare on those things. They did give me energy but not like Percocets did (I enjoyed mundane activities and even got two promotions at work on them!) so they allowed me to have time for doing "relaxing" activities like watch more TV or read more books - I ignored everything else except my son. But now that I am getting better it is like a heavy shroud has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm rebuilding what I can and not worrying much abt what yet can't be fixed. I even rekindled things with an ex this week - something I never thought would happen! You're very lucky to have a fiance to help you through it. Support is so important but as you know it's very limited when you've reached the isolation stage of long term Sub use. You CAN do this. My quitting was an anomaly. I didn't plan on it but thought abt it for two or so years. I needed that push and it came, but I never had the willpower to lower my dose much as all. Yes, they were small doses but still it's such a powerful drug. Your ability to taper is awesome. Good luck to you and I hope to hear of good news soon!
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