Joined: February 11, 2018
Firstly, I wish everyone here the best in their recovery! I'm not selfish and will happily help wherever possible! This my first time being active on a recovery forum. I read but don't post.
The post is about the long term effects of suboxone has had on me. Plus desperately wanting to get off it.
I will try to keep this short and too the point, it's not a debate about the use of suboxone. I would love to hear if others feel the same as me, have recovered and finally some good advice,guidance. I've put my main question at the start and my background on how I got here after ( It turned into an essay, accept my apologies and I'm fully aware you all likely have or have had your own issue's)
I've been on 8mg of bupe for 2 years (started on 16mg) and I'm just coasting along day by day, depressed, emotionally numb, bad anxiety, low self esteem. Nothing is fun anymore. I've tried self medicating again with all sorts to get rid of my black dog inc Counselling, excersise. After much research and knowing my own mind I'm convinced the bupe is blocking my feel good, emotional sensors. I used to love reading, going out, sports, all sorts. I don't even feel the buzz I used to get from 2 pints.
Now I'm completely flat. Emotionally. Bupe and methodone do save lives I know! But being on them long term? wellbeing, state of mind. As a short term reduction plan yes. long term in my opinion a big no no. I've experienced suboxone withdrawels as I tried to cut down to quick and they are as bad or if not not worse than other opiates. I also done something very silly. I had some "Naltrexone" tablets from years back. Recommended by a friend to stop alcohol urges.
I fancied a beer so took a 100mg tablet. I was on my own in my house. Sent me into precipitated withdrawel. I cannot even begin to describe. Sheer agony, my body felt like it had been thrown into a fire. I was crying, screaming. too horrific to explain. If I had a gun and could of used it I swear I would of pulled the trigger. My wife found me 4 hours in and I was in A&E/hospital for 24 hrs. In the morning, no sedatives given, the bupe was stripped from my brain after 2 years. The pain had subsided and I was an emotional wreck. I was in a ward with dying old men, There's me taking up a bed, My family hurt. When my wife came to pick me up I sobbed like a baby. First time in many years. My emotions were most certainly back. I was sick, ill, still hurt but my head was clearer. Hard to explain.
DO NOT DO THIS PLEASE. Mine was a genuine foolish mistake.
I wanted to stay off the bupe and suffer it out as Id done something that is usually done my medical experts and your put into an induced coma and supervised. Costs about £5k.
I went back on bupe as I was told too (which I now regret) and benzo's and in 2 days I was starting to recover.
I want off bupe so badly and have been researching microdosing lsd, using Iboga. I'm playing with fire again and not sure what to do. I am cutting down and will continue to do so but I hear that last mg is a real b**** to come off.
Any advice, experiences would be greatly appreciated. Good luck all and thanks for taking the time to read.
background if of interest
Not the best upbringing (Violent alcoholic father)
from 12 onwards dabbled in lsd, speed, drink, etc
Got a decent apprenticeship and work and social were split. I done well.
3 years heavily in the rave scene. Took too many pills and ended up with severe paranoia. It lasted over a year and I thought everyone including my own mother hated me. That experience still lingers today. Was horrific.
I didn't learn and followed the crowd, now it was drink and coke! 20 yrs old to 30 years. Weekend binges. Many a time waking up in a cell (minor stuff, fights)
I now had a son and he was about 3. Things changed. I moved away. Stopped the coke. But still had a good skinfull on a Friday night. I never treated my son like I was treated. I have never laid a hand on a woman and am soft, sensitive. I now devoted my life to him and ensured he had the polar opposite of what I had. We done everything together. I was not his real father but took him on from birth as I fell in love with a girl that was preganant. I told him at 8yrs old and he said with a smile " Lots of kids like me at school and your NO1 dad"
When he reached 12, I found intimate photographs of my partner with an 18 yr old lad down the road.
Whack! Sledgehammer in the face. world upside down. My son asked to stay with me so I was now a single parent. His mum left and partied. She saw him seldom. That broke my heart .
Not after sympathy! you may not have even got this far. but it paints a picture that may help someone help me or vice a versa.
I couldn't cope and foolishly turned to the internet - Valium, Xanax to start, then anything to dull the pain and keep life moving. All I wanted was to see my son through to adulthood with high moral values and do it the right way, not my way, after that I didn't care what happened to me. I spoiled him in every sense.
2 years in I was in trouble - benzo addication, legal highs, prescription pills, somas, DMT anything went except H.
Then I found OxyContin! £6 for a 80mg in regular supply of a so called friend. I found it! This drug was a miracle. huge confidence, energy. I could take on the world. This was unreal. The anxious, depressed man had gone. A new man found, one afraid of nothing, confident and happy as hell. I knew the dangers and "Tried" to limit usage. But............
We know how this one ends. Ended up in hospital a few times, serotonin syndrome etc. MXE OD.
Get high on oxy, come down, take benzo's. Then the supply stopped after 3 years. I was using oxy in the week by now as well. In and out of withdrawel's. Found Kratom and benzos just got me through. But the amount of Kratom was ridiculous.
I ended up taking a carrier bag of drugs to my GP and said please help me. There was such a mix of drugs in this bag the doctor was shocked.
I ended up on 16mg of bupe and my doc kindly tapered me off the diazepam. 2 years on I've never touched an opiate and the benzo (which was harder to come off than ANYTHING else) is under control. Just.