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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: May 15, 2011, 9:24 AM
Good morning. I am up and headed to a meeting. I am so sad still. Who would have thought you could have been stood up for prom a few days before your 39th birthday. Only someone yo love that much could really break your heart that much. I am still sober, smoke free, and running the world relapse, I am still dabbling. I guess when Im done I will stop. Off to my favorite meeting. :)
-------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen  | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: May 15, 2011, 12:38 PM
The meeting was average. I shared about the working a fifth and wounds being opened and I saw patterns repeating. Somethings you don't realize how far back the pain goes. Stuff I thought I had gotten out, I really hadn't at all. I have domineering mom issues. She screws me over all the time. I am done. I don't know what that looks like right now. I forgive her I honestly forgiver he because I did it to my X without realizing it. So I know she comes from a place of love. I have to figure out how to detach and come from a different place because this is not working for me. I hope I can figure out how to live a little differently than I am. Easy does it. Today I hurt. And that is ok. I wont feel like this forever. I am not really that fond of pain. Its a beautiful day out there. My BF and I are going up the canyon to the water fall. It should be nice to work through some of the anger that I have.
Love, Jane -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: May 15, 2011, 3:54 PM
Im still sad. The hiking didn't work. The beautiful day isn't helping. I am sad and mad at everyone, right now my life sucks. I am so godamn sad I could burst. I haven't cried But I am gonna kill my boyfriend who keeps blaming my mom and my son, Whom I feel more protective about then him. He can get the f*** out.
-------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: May 15, 2011, 6:43 PM
I feel better. Man what a roller coaster ride. My son texted and said he was sorry. I told him that he couldn't borrow my car again. I said for a month but I mean until he earned my trust back. He is still at my moms wich burns me up. But I am letting that go. I told him I loved him. That was earlier today. I think my discontentment came from trying to withhold my love and forgiveness. I just have to remember my boundaries with him. He can be in my life but right now he can't live here and he can't borrow anything of mine. That is over. I guess my mom can give him rides. She seems to want to take over and I don't knwo what to do with that. I almost said I woudl let her but the truth is... I have no control over her choices. what a concept
Jane -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
Posts: 1901
Joined: December 25, 2007
Posted: May 16, 2011, 9:27 AM
Jane, I so hear you about the mom thing. I have a domineering, controlling, manipulative 91 year old mother who lives in the same house. I made the mistake of allowing her into my life with J, and now my life with S & she makes it a living you-know-where at times. Constantly undermines me etc. I struggle daily with resentment and anger, some days are worse than others -- but the thing I find most difficult is knowing that my mother truly does not care if I'm happy or not as long as I'm serving HER purposes.... I hope to take my freedom in a year when S graduates.... I find myself thinking every single day "how would I feel today if I was going to her funeral". Awful to think that way, but I don't want any more regrets & pain!!!
Sorry to get off on my stuff, but just know you're not alone. I don't know what the answer is. I just try to find some peace for myself everyday. Know that I'm soooo proud of you!!! Love you. -------------------- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 I am a recovering codependent, and mother of a recently relapsed drug and alcohol addicted (20 year addiction) adult daughter. Thinking we are in control of anything or anyone else but ourselves is an illusion. And actually we have very little control over what happens to us as well. What will happen will happen. So let go & let God. This is my path to serenity. What happens if we just let go of what we "think" we are controlling? The world keeps on turning and life goes on. I trust that the Lord Jesus will bring me through what He brings me to. Take what you need & leave the rest. I sometimes have bad days. That's ok, I used to have bad years. The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Jesus loves us. LAFFStore | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: May 16, 2011, 10:27 AM
Thanks for the encouragement LAC. The crazy thing is I know I act just like her at times. I am working the steps and seeing alot of the damage I have done that is similar. SO I am trying to be forgiving and understanding and have patience. It is a test. WOW. I can relate with every word you said. My "fantasy" is moving. But in reality I love her as much as I can't stand her. She really saved my skin after my addiction and run in with the law. Hopefully we can have a balance some how. She sent me the oddest message today.
-------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
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Posts: 1901
Joined: December 25, 2007
Posted: May 17, 2011, 9:05 AM
Yeah my mom and I have that love hate thing going on too.
What was the odd message? Does your mom email you? My mom does & she lives in the same house!!!! P.S. Sorry I messed up your count! This post has been edited by lightacandle on May 17, 2011, 9:06 AM -------------------- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 I am a recovering codependent, and mother of a recently relapsed drug and alcohol addicted (20 year addiction) adult daughter. Thinking we are in control of anything or anyone else but ourselves is an illusion. And actually we have very little control over what happens to us as well. What will happen will happen. So let go & let God. This is my path to serenity. What happens if we just let go of what we "think" we are controlling? The world keeps on turning and life goes on. I trust that the Lord Jesus will bring me through what He brings me to. Take what you need & leave the rest. I sometimes have bad days. That's ok, I used to have bad years. The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Jesus loves us. LAFFStore | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: May 17, 2011, 10:39 AM
LAC- No really i am glad to have some one to hash it out wiht. :) She sent me an email telling me just what she thought everyone should do. She told me how I should feel. How I should clean up her mess and come and get E out of her house. What I should tell my X. But the wierdest part. Was how manipulative it was. How she had cried her eyes out. how I don't care. That she told E to do this and he didn't listen and how all of this was not repairable the end of the world and so catastrophic. If I didn't handle it her way it was all going to blow up in my face. It was really wierd, if I was talking with her I probably wouldn't have noticed. But seeing it in writing was a realy SLAP. I have just been so immersed in her line of thinking I didn't notice.
She emails me only when things aren't going her way between us. She won't ever come over to my house. She just expects I will go there. Its such a power trip. I see it now. Before I was just there caught up in the drama. I see how I must have looked to my x. My mom lives around the corner. Litterally through my back yard. LOL! very strange. how have you handled it? This post has been edited by justjane on May 17, 2011, 12:02 PM -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
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Posts: 1901
Joined: December 25, 2007
Posted: May 17, 2011, 3:31 PM
Man, are you sure your mom isn't MY mom? Very manipulative, controlling, guilt monger, in a word - a narcissist. It's all about her. Always has been. Always will be. At 91! She emails me but won't say things to my face. We have had the most horrible fights over email. It is my own fault, I make the mistake of 1) reading them, 2) reacting to them which plays right into her hands. Sometimes I get to the point where I just don't read them anymore -- or I completely block her. I have to, to keep my sanity. Man I could write a book about my mother. She drives me nuts. Thinks I should give up my life for her. I've already given up most of it. She got so attached to my granddaughter, and that is the only reason I am still here. The 3 of us living here. I have 1 more year till S graduates high school & I am taking my freedom then. I won't even get into how S treats me. Took her out to eat yesterday, the whole time she was snotty & nasty to me. I keep asking myself WHY DO I CONTINUE TO PUT MYSELF THRU THIS????? 1 more year. If I don't take my freedom then, I probably never will. What really kills me is they defend one another but nobody ever defends me. They don't appreciate me and everything I do or don't do is wrong in their eyes. There is no pleasing them so I gave up trying to. Well almost. Still hoping for that approval but I know I'll never get it....
I am so sorry you are going thru similar things. I know how it feels. I sure do. Somehow we have to let it roll off & move on & try to stay peaceful. Any suggestions?? Just wanted to add if 1 more person tells me that S's anger & nastiness is not about me, it's about J, I'm going to spit nails. Tired of having anger directed at me!!!!! I don't deserve this!!!! P.S. it's a good thing I never started smoking or I'd be a frickin chain smoker!!!! This stress is bad. I eat instead. = ( This post has been edited by lightacandle on May 17, 2011, 3:36 PM -------------------- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 I am a recovering codependent, and mother of a recently relapsed drug and alcohol addicted (20 year addiction) adult daughter. Thinking we are in control of anything or anyone else but ourselves is an illusion. And actually we have very little control over what happens to us as well. What will happen will happen. So let go & let God. This is my path to serenity. What happens if we just let go of what we "think" we are controlling? The world keeps on turning and life goes on. I trust that the Lord Jesus will bring me through what He brings me to. Take what you need & leave the rest. I sometimes have bad days. That's ok, I used to have bad years. The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Jesus loves us. LAFFStore | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: May 17, 2011, 4:05 PM
Ok, LAC You post made me laugh. I mean really fighting over email. I'm right there with you
So my suggstion for sanity is right now I am trying the approach of just being happy regardless of how bad, she wants me to be upset. I just have to be happy. I'll let you knwo how that works. Right now i am afraid I am going to kill her. I mean remember when J started her using years. And your mother would tell you how to handle it. When you knew better? That is where I am now. God does it SUCK. -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005
Posted: May 17, 2011, 5:37 PM
OK, you two ladies are cracking me up. You guys really talk to your Mothers (who live with you or within a stones throw) via email? OMG, I am dying here. LMAO
Here's a simple suggestion. Don't open the emails. Return to Sender....LOL And as far as Narcisstic (sp?); if you look it up in the Dictionary, my mother's picture is right next to the definition <BEG> It's ALL about her. She does run the Universe and if you don't comply with her ways & attitudes, **woosh**, you're sliced out of existence in her world. I am disowned, along with my husband and my kids. It was truly one of the biggest blessings I've ever received from my Mother, or as my husband refers to her, Mommie Dearest. -------------------- Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you. | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: May 17, 2011, 6:09 PM
OMFG!! You just made me laugh so hard. I was driving when I read this. I nearly crashed. I needed to have a belly laugh over it. Mommy dearest. I'm going to start it. I love you Stacey. Jesus it sounds funny. Emails lol! Why do we do the thongs we do ??? That is some rich stiff right there . I have so much to learn.
-------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
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Posts: 1901
Joined: December 25, 2007
Posted: May 18, 2011, 9:34 AM
!!!! You are BOTH cracking me up!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
"I'm afraid I'm going to kill her" -- ooooohhhhhh do I know what THAT feels like!!!! "She does run the Universe and if you don't comply with her ways & attitudes, **woosh**, you're sliced out of existence in her world. I am disowned, along with my husband and my kids. It was truly one of the biggest blessings I've ever received from my Mother, or as my husband refers to her, Mommie Dearest." OMG! J used to call ME Mommie Dearest!!!!!!!!! Soooooo funnnnnyyyy. You know Stacey when I read that you were sliced out of her existence I thought "man wouldn't THAT be nice", then I read it was the biggest blessing!! I KNOW I would get along so much better with my mother if I only saw her once in a blue moon. I LOVE my mother dearly. BUT I CAN'T STAND HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We could not be more different.... and it sucks that my granddaughter tells me I'm just like her -- AND my aunt!!!! BUT I'M NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!! Thank God for alanon opening my eyes to the fact that I deserve to have a life! I have been really down lately with the two of them (S & my mother) and feeling like I have to take on all their stuff -- thanks Jane for that realization -- I can't hold all of us either -- and I realized I have so many issues of my own to deal with, I'm just going to let them figure it out & do for MYSELF.... I've been trying to help the whole world for way too long!!!!! P.S. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) This post has been edited by lightacandle on May 18, 2011, 9:45 AM -------------------- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 I am a recovering codependent, and mother of a recently relapsed drug and alcohol addicted (20 year addiction) adult daughter. Thinking we are in control of anything or anyone else but ourselves is an illusion. And actually we have very little control over what happens to us as well. What will happen will happen. So let go & let God. This is my path to serenity. What happens if we just let go of what we "think" we are controlling? The world keeps on turning and life goes on. I trust that the Lord Jesus will bring me through what He brings me to. Take what you need & leave the rest. I sometimes have bad days. That's ok, I used to have bad years. The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Jesus loves us. LAFFStore | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: May 18, 2011, 10:15 AM
Well, my daughter said she thought I wasn't happy lately because I hadn't been hanging around my mom. Its true she makes me laugh and if I am just like her in some ways I would be thrilled. But please God bless that I am not like her for thinking my world is based on what my kids are doing. That will be a long bumpy road. I am here for my kids. But please oh please let me get the help I need so that they are free to be themselves. My son has asked me many times to back off. My daughter has told me that I don't listen. God OPEN my eyes so I do not repeat my mistakes. If I spot it I know damn well that I got it. So if I live in the solution, perhaps I can fix it or at least become willing to do what needs to be done. But easy does it. I am not that great with changes. Lets do this the right way so it sticks. Thanks my women friends. Wish we lived close enough to get togeather for coffee and laughter but I am certainly grateful that we share this place So pour a virtual cup and read and laugh and laugh through the tears like I do. Laughter through tears really does it for me. Its my favorite emotion. Thanks for sharing the journey. Much love and respect, Jane -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
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Posts: 1901
Joined: December 25, 2007
Posted: May 18, 2011, 10:32 AM
I would so love it if we could get together. I was just thinking too that just knowing somebody else -- you, Stacey -- is on this site at the same time albeit at the other end of another computer, is comforting to me.
"if I am just like her in some ways I would be thrilled. But please God bless that I am not like her for thinking my world is based on what my kids are doing. That will be a long bumpy road. I am here for my kids. But please oh please let me get the help I need so that they are free to be themselves." YES! I have finally let go of J, now I need to let go of S. If I allow myself to go there, I truly do worry for her future, especially the choice of friends & boyfriend she has right now! UGH!!! J started with bad friends & bad boyfriend & S is doing the same thing! But all my words fall on deaf ears so I gotta let it go. I have told her though, right or wrong, that if she starts making bad choices I won't be around to watch it. But I have always instilled in her DO WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE (decent stuff), don't spend your life trying to control other people or take care of other people. I tell her don't let anybody keep you from doing what you want to do & going where you want to go!! She is a great little codependent though. How could she not be, living with 2 of the world's best!!! Have the best day you can have today! By the way if you ever come to Orlando -- Disney or whatever, I am not far so PLEASE let me know & we can actually meet!!!! That would be so awesome. This post has been edited by lightacandle on May 18, 2011, 10:35 AM -------------------- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 I am a recovering codependent, and mother of a recently relapsed drug and alcohol addicted (20 year addiction) adult daughter. Thinking we are in control of anything or anyone else but ourselves is an illusion. And actually we have very little control over what happens to us as well. What will happen will happen. So let go & let God. This is my path to serenity. What happens if we just let go of what we "think" we are controlling? The world keeps on turning and life goes on. I trust that the Lord Jesus will bring me through what He brings me to. Take what you need & leave the rest. I sometimes have bad days. That's ok, I used to have bad years. The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Jesus loves us. LAFFStore | ||
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Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005
Posted: May 18, 2011, 4:43 PM
Yep, my daughter has those codie traits already showing....I do tell her that I did the best I could with what I knew and my recovery started when she was right around 12-13yrs old so she's seen both sides...I did suggest she get a therapist right around 18yrs old & I do pay her co-pay for her when she attends. I told her it's the least I could do, I'll pay for the therapy but she has to do the work on herself. I have to literally talk to myself at times to stay out of her business. She's really a blessing but sometimes I can see the co-dependent coming out in her & I want to jump in a fix her. OMG, now just how sick is that? Today I am walking the walk to SHOW her how it's done & keeping my big fat mouth shut & keeping my opinions to myself. Gosh it's tiring at times...LOL And I'd love to come visit in Florida someday. My BFF lives in Ft. Lauderdale and it's #1 on my bucket list to do before I die, visit Florida. -------------------- Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you. | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: March 21, 2020, 6:35 PM
53 I chose the wrong day yesterday. Still here still on semi quarantine like we aren’t on lock down they just asked ya to only leave if you have to. So I’m sitting in the backyard in the sun reading a book I’ve wanted to read. I went on a run this morning my COVID19 cold has been better. I’m just chillen. I slept in and just no time line I need to follow so. . . Gotta admit I could use the rest. Life is fine I know the whole world is in chaos but here in my backyard and in my brain I’m ok. Another day down. Grateful as heck gone smoke free.
Much love & respect, Jane PS Wash your hands social distance -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
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