41
Posted: May 4, 2011, 8:46 AM


Posts: 3052
Joined: January 11, 2006



WOW did last night suck. Couldn't sleep. Hated/tried to rule the world. I spent the majority of the night arranging people, places adn things trying to set them up just the way I would like to see things. Having high anxiety, scratching what I had thought for the previous few hours and designing a whole new set of cirucmstances. What a waste of time. I hate myself.
And that is where I am at today. This is the pattern that repeats itself constantly in my head when things aren't going just the way I think they should. I've got to stop this pattern. God help me get out of my own way and figure out a better way to live.

Love,
Jane

--------------------
My success story

Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy.
Human beings have the awesome ability
to take any experience of their lives
and create a meaning that disempowers them
or one that can literally save their lives.

- Anthony Robbins


Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says,
"This is going to take more than one night."


"Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in."
-Leonard Cohen


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Posted: May 4, 2011, 11:26 AM


Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005



Morning Jane,

QUOTE
I hate myself.


First off, you need to toss that negative out the window. We're not allowed to hate ourselves anymore. We love ourselves along with all our flaws & defects and we need to look at these kind of nights/days as challenges, spiritual growth waiting to break through, lessons unfolding.....relax and enjoy the ride, my friend.

What you just described is the obsession part of the disease, the spinning, manipulating, future f*cking we do to ourselves. I have a friend who calls it his "wreckage of the future".

The ONLY way I have found to get through it is prayer, and more prayer. I completely and totally surrender, I write & write and then I pray to my HP to relieve me of it, to free me from the bondage of the obession, to help me see what it is he's wanting me to see and to show me exactly what he wants me to do next and it hasn't failed me yet. There are times it can take a couple of days to hear the answers, but they do come when I am open, willing & listening.

So, what was your movie in your head about last night? What were you trying to control that you have no control over?

Smooches,
Stacey

ps....when you get a chance, go read Pirate's post on the Alcohol board titled Everything happens for a reason.

This post has been edited by 24Gordon on May 4, 2011, 11:36 AM

--------------------
Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
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Posted: May 4, 2011, 11:41 AM


Posts: 3052
Joined: January 11, 2006



Stace...
I was trippen on what is mine and what is my x husbands. My daughter never checking in all weekend and him not checking with her. So each weekend that is his. I will sit and worry weather anyone is checking in with anyone. I don't think I am a better parent and I don't think MY way is the only way to do it. NOt by a long shot. I just spent the majority of this year having E be home by 9 oclock each weeknight and midnight on the weekends. In turn he got suspended out of school for selling/arranging to distribute pot. So all this rules and regulations did not stop what ever was happening from happening. He has kept his grades up, he has kept his job. By all accounts (other than the pot thing) he is actually comming in to his own. S (my daughter) is a great student and a good kid by nature. She just does her own thing has a good attitude even a great attitude she rides her horse and is completely involved in her hobby. But I don't really agree with her running around and out all night on his weekends. And I can't believe he does. When I talk to him about it, he tells me he will not play cat and mouse games with the kids. So that either leaves me to pick up the pieces or try to push it out of my mind when he has them for the weekend.
So my trip is. What do I do about it ? Is there nothing? Is there something ? I cannot figure it out. Some of this s*** has to be my x husbands but he refuses to pick it up. If I refuse as well where does that leave my kids?
This has been ciruclar in my mind since the weekend. Before that it was another version of the same thing. It just repeats in different form. He is pretty irresponsible and I feel it neccesary to keep sending the kids there. If I don't he doesn't care either. So the game is all in my head. ITS ME! and I can't stop it.
Can you help me break it down? So I can start solving it?
Jane

--------------------
My success story

Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy.
Human beings have the awesome ability
to take any experience of their lives
and create a meaning that disempowers them
or one that can literally save their lives.

- Anthony Robbins


Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says,
"This is going to take more than one night."


"Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in."
-Leonard Cohen


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Posted: May 4, 2011, 12:24 PM


Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005



Jane,

You can't change him, no matter how hard you try or how different you try to do it, you have no control over what/how your ex does things. What you can change is YOU and how you do things.

It could be as simple as your daughter can visit her dad during the day & come home at night. And if you leave for the weekend, have your daughter go to your Mom's or a friends house for the weekend.

On the flip side, you can be grateful she lives with you. That she has guidelines, boundries & discipline most of the time and if she's like my kids, she's at the age where she knows the difference between right & wrong and now it's in her hands to make the choices, to make decisions on right action or wrong actions.

And as far as E, he is exactly where he needs to be and as much as we'd love to control situations & outcomes for our children, we are as powerless over that as we were on our drug usage. His situation was a valuable lesson for all, and it's probably still unfolding and let him learn from it.

He's okay today, he's healthy today, and just for today, he's doing the right thing. Your daughter is okay today, she's healthy today, and just for today, she's exactly where she needs to be so time for you to say a prayer for them, release them in their HP's care and LET GO.

When I would start back into the obsessive thinking, I would go back to the morning prayer where I had released my children into their HP's care and let go again. So, basically, when I'd start to trip, I'd pray. Over & over, until it has now become a habit.

The serenity prayer works wonders.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (ex-husband, daughter, son); the courage to change the things I can (my attitude & reactions); and the wisdom to know the difference (prayer to HP).

Practicing letting go, Jane. While you're hanging on, you're being dragged along, beaten & bruised............let go.

--------------------
Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
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Posted: March 9, 2020, 10:56 AM


Posts: 3052
Joined: January 11, 2006



41.. Always, always, always need to be reminded to let go. Such great reminders. I didn't sleep much last night either. There has been some growth, as I didn't try to rearrange the world to my liking. I just listen to speaker tapes when I can't sleep. I have been sleeping better since I put down the nicotine. I still have plenty of sleepless or restless nights. Im still counting days on this quit I dont feel like I have it. I still get cravings usually the morning I tell myself at least for a split second I want a piece of nic gum. but that is my addictive behavior bc if I could get a piece of nic gum it wouldn't be long tell I just wanted a drag of a ciggaretter- then a half of one and so on. It happens every damn time. That idea is just threadbare. I aslo have the old idea that I was controlling and enjoying it after all I would just have a half a day but woudl occassionally binge. All the lies I tell myself. . and sometimes believe.
This board keeps me accountable to the internet. If I continue to post her daily for a while at least up to 90 but whatever it takes. I am afraid if I dont that I will eventually smoke. I am trying to see whta happened last time. I guess it was just believing the above lies. I have to remind myself everyday that I am a recovering smoker. I dont want to smoke but my addiction tells me I do. bleh. I must not be doing that great today but I guess i am cause I still haven't picked up. Begining of day 41 and the reminder to LET GO!
Much love & respect,
Jane

--------------------
My success story

Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy.
Human beings have the awesome ability
to take any experience of their lives
and create a meaning that disempowers them
or one that can literally save their lives.

- Anthony Robbins


Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says,
"This is going to take more than one night."


"Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in."
-Leonard Cohen


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