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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: April 28, 2011, 10:53 AM
Didn't make it to a meeting last night, or this a.m., I intend to go tonight. I will stop at the comuter meeting. I have been so angry. I know this is my life, nothing has changed my x is still a duche bag, my son is still doing what he does, my mom is still doing her thing. I am praying for the next right thing to come to my brain. But honestly I have spent the last 12 hours angry as hell. No one respects me. I feel like a victim. And I don't know what to do about it. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. Why does it have to be me? But I want to change in a good way. HOW!!!!
I am greatful that I have made it 35 days. I can't believe how much emotional s*** those cigarettes can cover up. If I make it through it will be a miracle. But for the record I have seen miracles happen. Love, Jane -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen  | ||
Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005
Posted: April 28, 2011, 11:21 AM
Be the change. Smooches, Stacey -------------------- Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you. | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: April 28, 2011, 9:08 PM
I just got back from a meeting. It was nice, the topic was humility and gauging it, I guess. I don't know for sure. A girl shared that has one year clean time. Going through a bankrupcy and issues of financial wreckage. Another shared that she had a week clean time. She was feeling really sorry for herself and talking about humiliation instead of humility. Then a guy shared about how his day was good. He didn't fight anyone, he didn't use, he didn't get in any trouble. All these simple daily good things. Rant start: I spend my day angry over almost nothing. I have stewed and brewed from nine o clock last night till just before I left work today. PISSED OFF. At my X husband none the less. I don't even have to talk with him for the most part except he is supposed to be giving the kids a ride to school, of course he "couldn't" he had a "meeting" he is such a f***ing irresponsible prick. He texts me hope its ok, i wll take that as a yes. Well they are my kids and I will make sure they get to school If i can or if I can't they will get there. Aside from his usual bulls*** and my usual 24 hours pissed aobut something that happens each time I deal with him. I/ ME let him ruin my day. My night. My serenity. I did it. NOt him. And I am still pissed about it. THat and other things. . .
Rant over. I forgot all the good things. Like I am able to see my kids first thing in the morning. There was a time I wasn't able to. I got to take them to school. I am fine, they are fine. We have money, we have food, we have a home. There is no one there to fight with. There is no one using and hiding it. No one drinking and shwoing up fighting. Or there wasn't until I turned on this bulls***. And hten tried to blame him. WTF is wrong with me. Now I feel sorry for myself for that.... I can"t win lately. -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: March 3, 2020, 11:43 AM
35 days. Still smoke free no nic gum. No meeting yesterday. I had a good day very normal run of the mill nothing exciting. Gosh I am glad I am not where I was last time I quit. I have no idea how I lived through that. Lots of hand holding praying meetings & support from others. I simply couldnt do it again. This quit my life is uneventful-thank goodness. I did go to therapy. We talked about how to have difficult conversations. I personally shut down I have no ability to ask the person to explain or help me understand thier side. My mind goes GTFO and if I can't get the f*** out. Then I just shut down and have this out of body experience. No matter if the problem is real or imagined. Its good to learn these htings about myself and I get to try some new skills I am learning. I just can't ever see myself being assertive. Maybe I can. I guess recovery is about change. The previous posts talk about it. I guess nothing changes if nothing changes. I can try and be the change.
All that is on my plate today is work, running and home. Much love & respect, Jane -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
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