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Posted: August 17, 2021, 9:34 AM
Hi, I've just found this group and hoping it can help me through another relapse my son is going though, which I've just found out about. He's going to be 30 at the end of October and living at home once again. This addiction with cocaine has been in his life since he was a teenager. He was in rehab twice late teens, early 20s but still addicted. He's had some good times, but ti's always an itch for him. This last stretch we thought he'd found the strength. He's been jobless for almost a year, after being let go after missing work for two days - a really good job that he worked hard to get into. He went on a bender though and although they had no proof and couldn't say it was drugs, they let him go 2 days before his probationary period was up. He's been on EI since then. It breaks my heart just a little bit more each time. I love him to pieces and would give my life if it meant he didn't have this addiction, or any addiction. My heart hurts for him so bad because I know he hates it too but so far he has not been strong enough. I've been through a course on how to deal with it, but i'm just in bits this morning knowing he's doing it somewhere. I have no idea where he is or when he'll be home, if he will come home, if he does something stupid. How do we continue to live our lives when our hearts are broken. When we remember our child as a little boy, so loving, so happy. When we see him as an adult, trying so hard. He has no one, not a girlfriend. He's so alone, apart from us and it just breaks my heart. I don't know what to do anymore. It's causing so much suffering for all of us. Yes, we could kick him out but I think that would be the end of me, not knowing what was happening, him being desolate. Winters are extremely harsh here, snow and frigid.
Posted: August 18, 2021, 9:31 PM
Hi Lozzie and welcome
I'm sorry to hear about your son's addiction and all the heartache you and your family are suffering. Addiction is awful and cruel and it's so hard to watch our kids fall victim to it. Its very sad to watch them be so self destructive.
My daughter is 28 and has been addicted to heroin prob last 8 years. Has been an IV heroin user for about 5 years. For prob the last 2 years she's added an additional drug so now she's addicted to two drugs. Failed attempts at multiple detoxes and rehabs. She used to put herself in for help but now I think she knows it's too much. Says methadone would be best but can't follow through with anything. She's lost everything and lives with criminals. She a sweet, smart, beautiful girl....living this awful life.
I keep encouraging her to get help and sometimes when I talk to her she's very aware and resonable. The next time I talk to her she could be very angry needing money so 'she doesn't get sick'. Its hard because I think she's spinning her wheels and using a lot of time and energy in the wrong places. As an observer, I think getting sober would be much easier than she is living. She doesn't seem to have any insight or maybe it is just so hard..IDK. It makes me sick I hate addiction
How does you son support his addiction? I can't live with my daughter we tried it years ago and it was a nightmare. Its too stressful and the addiction starts to take two lives. I stay in touch with her regularly. I pray for her and keep encouraging her. Her life is very dramatic and it can wear me out. I try to keep living my life which I do fairly well. However, there is always an inner sadness I feel.
I wish the best for you and your son. Please know we understand your pain.
Posted: August 22, 2021, 3:28 PM
Hi Lozzie and Sallyann,
I've been reading the boards for a while, joined up, but this is my first post.
My son, 27, is my addict. Heroin is his drug of choice,but he takes anything he can get his hands on. In and out of prison, starts using straight away when he gets out. He has also been involved in dealing.
I evicted him from the family home 8 years ago, as he was very aggressive, and so unpredictable. I could never live with addiction again. I developed a chronic pain condition, which was triggered by the stress of it all.
Lozzie, I have found that nothing I have done, has made a positive impact on my son. He saw me as a "cash cow". Only interested in me for what he thinks I can give him - which is absolutely nothing now.
I had to majorly step back as he was dragging me down. I was absolutely exhausted, mentally and physically. I only have telephone contact with him at present. I have advised him that I wsnt him in my life, when he is clean. He told me to f**k off, and he would do as he pleased. Fair enough!
We also have choices,although some are difficult. I choose not to be pulled into his crazy world.
Posted: August 23, 2021, 4:01 PM
Hi Lozzie - I'm sorry you are on this message board, but welcome...
Addiction is HORRIBLE, there is NOTHING good, sane or reasonable about it. NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING we as parents or partners can do will ever help an addict. Some people think it's as easy as checking into rehab - NOPE!
My 47 year old son is my addict. He lost everything - wife, dogs, houses (yep two), friends, family, everything. We absolutely WOULD NOT, COULD NOT allow him to move in with us. He relapsed again in 2018. I believe he actually started using again in 2017 but didn't really CRASH & BURN until 2018. That lead to a year & a half of SHEER F***ING HELL!!!! The crazy paranoia, lies, disappearing, lies, lies & lies about lies.... lost an excellent job. The family had to block his phone calls because he was absolutely insane - calling, screaming, cursing. Everyone, even nieces & nephews were lied to & curse at. Then he started getting arrested - not for drugs, but for harassing an ex girlfriend to the point she was in fear of her life & got a restraining order. That became a game to him. But something happened in jail. He met another inmate who knew a man who hired had an electrical company. After he got out of jail for the 5th or 6th time in 3 months & the judge said if he returned he was going to prison for felony stalking for 12 years, my son kind of woke up. He didn't have a new job yet & the guy from the jail called out of the blue & asked if he called the electrician. My son called him immediately & was told to come in for an interview. He was hired that day & started working the next day. Long story short, he was sent out of his "normal" area to a location 8 hrs away from his druggie friends. This company & this job changed his life. He was hired on with another company & they absolutely LOVE HIM!! He has a new girlfriend & is now clean & sober.
My point is - NOTHING I did or suggested helped him in any way. We finally told him we cannot help & will not help. He can't dump his emotional problems on us - if he needs someone to talk to he needs to talk to a therapy, an addiction counselor or someone other than us. We told him the only help we can give him is a ride to rehab. But what we did do, since he was facing homelessness, was offer to pay for a men's sober living house. And we did, he knew the owner from one of the rehabs he went to.
Lozzie try to find help for yourself. There are tons of people that offer advice but unless they've gone thru it their words are meaningless, even though they are trying to be helpful. You did not cause this, You can't control this and you can't fix this. I am the CLASSIC ENABLER & I know that, it was very hard for me to tell him to stop harassing him. ALSO: BEWARE of them saying they need your help to find a rehab. This is also on them, they learn quickly that people will step up & "help" them with cash, food, gas, etc. when they say the words REHAB. Don't fall for it, make sure you stipulate that once they COMPLETE IT, you will support them emotionally. Not financially
Posted: August 27, 2021, 5:20 AM
Just reading others stories makes me realize that we are all in this together.
Linked by those we love who are their own worst enemy.
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