My Journey Has Come To An End
Posted: March 18, 2021, 9:18 PM


Posts: 10
Joined: March 10, 2020



I wrote on this board last year and really appreciated the kind responses. My husband and I were retiring, wanted to move out of state and our drug addicted son was living with us. We told him he could come with us if he would just stay off drugs. We went thru meth induced psychotic delusions, etc. Total nightmare, especially during the shelter in place because of covid. We went thru 10 years of his crap. He stole, lied and manipulated us. We put him thru rehab twice and paid for a sober living home twice. Finally I said enough, we kicked him out of our home and moved out of state. I still talked on the phone and sent him money sometines..He was homeless. He died of an overdose last January and I can't get over my sense of loss. I was so angry at him and relieved to get away from him and now I am just so sad, and guilty. The guilt is the worst, I wanted him to just go away and now he has and I just feel lost. I loved him so much despite everything.

God bless I wish everyone here the best in their journey with their loved one.
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Posted: March 18, 2021, 11:18 PM


Posts: 1745
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hello longevity, I am very sorry that your son has lost his struggle with addiction. My condolences to you and your family. Addiction is so complicated. So painful for all those affected. We all fear this outcome. It is a rough life for families. I felt similar to you when we kicked our son out two years ago. It was not possible to live w him and we had to save ourselves. He lived in several shelters in NYC. I guess that is the point where we give our trust to a higher power. I know you will always feel the pain. Try not to feel guilty. You did everything you could do when he was living with you. It is when you exhaust all options mentally, physically and financially that you get to the point of asking your child to leave your home. Life is tough. I wish I had better words. Thank you for sharing with us.

I know you didn’t want your son to go away, you wanted the addiction, the monster that had a hold on him to go away. I truly think the drugs put a twist on their thinking that makes it almost impossible to for them to see logical, rational outcomes of their behavior. And the drugs make them not care.

The only blame is on the ones selling the dope on the streets.


This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on March 18, 2021, 11:29 PM
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Posted: March 19, 2021, 10:10 AM


Posts: 53
Joined: January 9, 2017



longevity60

So sorry, please try to remember all the good memories of your son. Try not to allow the addiction to rob you of all those great memories. It's natural to have guilt but we all are doing our best against the cruel force of addiction. So please be kind to yourself. Your son knew that you loved him.
jeff
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Posted: March 19, 2021, 1:26 PM


Posts: 10
Joined: March 10, 2020



Thank you, Jeff
Your words mean alot. So many people don't understand the addicts struggle. I'm sick of people saying he was weak, or just didn't want to stop. He did, he hated his life and being homeless. He lost his struggle, I will always love him and hate what the drugs did to him.

Thanks again for the kind words.
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Posted: March 19, 2021, 10:34 PM


Posts: 14
Joined: February 17, 2021



Longevity, My deepest sympathy in the loss of your son. My heart broke reading your post and feeling your sadness. You loved your son and he loved you too. Thinking of you and your family.
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Posted: March 23, 2021, 8:58 PM


Posts: 326
Joined: December 23, 2018



Longevity: I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son. I wish you peace in the future
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Posted: March 30, 2021, 1:17 PM


Posts: 2340
Joined: February 20, 2010



My condolences, my son Justin died March 6, 2021 with a similar story. Today, I can hardly breathe I am so overcome with grief. I hope you can find your way, Lovejes
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Posted: March 31, 2021, 11:44 PM


Posts: 1745
Joined: June 27, 2016



Dear Jes,
I am very sorry about your son’s passing. Every day can be heartbreaking for a family when a child is living in the cycles of addiction. There’s so many things to say that you have heard a hundred times. I am sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace some day. I know life is difficult and the grief goes deep.
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Posted: April 6, 2021, 12:51 PM


Posts: 41
Joined: October 21, 2020



Condolences longevity for you and your family on the loss of your son. I'm so sorry for you. I read your post and felt so sad for you. This hits home for all of us. Please know in your heart that you did all you could do for your son. You gave it your all and the drugs have taken your son from you. I can only say that you did your best and did it with love for your son in your heart. The pain and heartache you have delt with and are going through now is un describable I'm sure. Please know that we know and your son knows that you loved him very much and you did everything you could to help him. your going through my worst fear and I hope you find words of strength and comfort on this site. I am sending you the biggest hug from one mom to another .remember your son when he was yours before the drugs got ahold of him. The good memories will help to heal your Brocken heart and please try not to feel guilty about having to separate yourself from him and his addiction. You did it so you could help yourself so you would still have strength for when it was needed. Please keep coming back here when you need to talk or you need to know that your not alone.
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Posted: April 21, 2021, 6:37 AM


Posts: 639
Joined: April 4, 2016



I’m so very sorry for your loss, Longevity. Sending big comforting hugs from one grieving momma to another. I lost my daughter to carfentanyl poisoning almost 5 years ago. Mentally, I know my girl is finally at peace and is safe; she is no longer in pain (all the things I begged God to do). Emotionally? When I got The Call, my gut wrenching, take the wind out of you, sucker punching pain started. My pain mushroomed and became immobilizing. I think I laid in bed for the first 3 months. It is somewhat of a blur. I stayed off from work for 7 months. Ssshh....in short, I fell apart. So, I truly understand. Sending even more hugs.

Please please please get into some type of grief counseling or therapy. There is some just for us moms whose babies lost their battles to addiction. You can zoom to get one on one sessions. You can join FB support groups. There are group sessions. Keep coming back here. Reach out to other parents who get it. All I know is that this grief journey of losing a child ... and then losing them to addiction... is unlike all other losses. This journey should NOT be traveled alone.

I can say “don’t go down memory lane and play the ‘if only I did X, then THIS would not have happened’ game.” But I won’t. I think it is natural and normal for parents (moms in particular) to blame ourselves. This Monday morning quarterbacking is something I still wrestle with. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to YOU!!! And, remember that you have and will always love your boy!! Your grief and your tears are just your love with no where else to go.

Also, remember to breathe. I still have to remind myself to do that from time to time. Drink lots of water. Crying dehydrates you.

I so wish I had the words to truly convey how very sorry I am and to offer you love and support. So I guess more hugs will have to do!!!!

Lynn

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on April 21, 2021, 6:49 AM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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