Am I Codependent?
Posted: January 19, 2021, 11:59 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: January 19, 2021

I’ve been seeing someone for 3 months now and she had just gotten out of rehab a couple weeks before we started dating. I know about her history of addiction and her current struggles with sobriety and her mental health. Does the fact that I still want to pursue a relationship with her automatically make me a codependent person? Is any partner to an addict automatically codependent? I have no illusions of saving her and I know she needs to be the one to do the work and I’ll support her in that. But how do I avoid becoming a codependent partner or am I already, just by still wanting to be with her?
Posted: January 19, 2021, 11:11 PM

Posts: 368
Joined: November 16, 2017

Hi. No, I would not say you are co-dependent for wanting to be in a relationship with her. You do need to be careful to maintain healthy boundaries and learn how to take care of yourself. I would recommend Al Anon online or in person. Also, you can always share specific experiences or questions here for advice on how to proceed.

Posted: January 21, 2021, 1:07 AM

Posts: 1743
Joined: June 27, 2016

Read the post - What not to do - that was bumped up. If you are doing anything on that list you are enabling the addiction behavior to continue. Some would call it codependent because the two people depend on the actions of the other.

Addict’s surround themselves with people who will ‘take care of thing and fix things’
If she is behaving independently and taking care of her own stuff and you are independently taking care of your stuff, then you are not codependent.

It is a really grey area and I have not seen a good definition. Watch several YouTube videos.
Posted: January 23, 2021, 3:34 PM

Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019

You ask some really thought provoking questions. In my opinion, I think it's very hard not to be co dependant in a relationship with a person with an addiction. There are going to be some subtle behaviors you are doing and there will be some dependency on both sides of the relationship. Just getting out of rehab, they have much work to do to become an independent individual in all functions of personal and daily life. Awareness is the key. If you find yourself compromising or doing things you wouldn't normally do for another adult (ie. lying, minimizing, rationalizing, overlooking), the relationship is codependent and it's not healthy.

This post has been edited by Sallyana on January 24, 2021, 12:57 AM
Posted: February 1, 2021, 11:39 PM

Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007

I'll start with the fact that she should not be in a relationship with anyone but herself and she knows that if she's been in rehab. The standard caution is that recovering addicts should not get involved in serious relationships for AT LEAST one year. So I'd be very careful if I were you. If you don't know the ropes, I'd get an education real quick and like another poster said, establish non-negotiable boundaries. I am the author of Things That Don't Help...please read and assess your behavior vis-a-vis this'll know...

Peace ~ M&M
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