Wife Is About To Get Home From Rehab
Posted: July 17, 2020, 5:30 PM


Posts: 3
Joined: July 17, 2020



Good afternoon everyone. To start off with this My wife and i have been married 21 years on the 25th. she hasn't had anything to drink in over 20 years. until about a year ago. Well to go back a little bit here. Her mother died 5 years ago and her and her sister took care of her and watched her get worse every day. During that time my wife had a perscription to perk's i was agianst it and voiced my concern and she promised me that she wouldn't get addicted. Well about a year after her mom died i found out during while i was away on a hunting trip that she has been buying more pills from a dealer. When i got home we dealt with that and she stopped buying them period. well about a year ago she picked up the bottle of vodka and started drinking again. I noticed that she had started drinking alot and we would get into arguments over it. It got to where she would start drinking in the morning and be drunk all day. For about the last four months it got really bad she had a couple seizures which scared us all. Finally on june 17th she told me that she has a drinking problem and that she has tried quiting a couple times but couldnt. I suggested rehab and she agreed. the very next day she was on a pleane to Cali to a 45 day rehab. She is almost due to come home and i am kinda nervous. I am still pissed off about all the lies, money more lies hurtful gestures and so on. I would like to address these things but i am unsure how to go about it. See i have read up alot on how to support a spouse in recovery. alot of it says to not bring up the past and so on. At the same time how can i trust her? she has alot of making up to do to be able to trust her fully again. Dont get me wrong i want this to work and i want to support her but man she has put us through the ringer financially and just mentally. I gues my question is can I or do i talk to her about what she has caused?
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Posted: July 17, 2020, 6:28 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: May 4, 2020



Hi,
I just recently went through this with my husband we we've been married for a year and together for 10 years). Like you I had a thousands of questions which I felt entitled to the answers and we did couple's therapy and I was told to leave the past in the past.

I would like to tell you that your wife is going to be a 100 percent better after coming home, but that would be a lie( ask any loved one on here). Recovery is an extremely long road and the lies will continue, but always trust your gut no matter what she tells you.

Support her going to AA meetings and finding a sponsor ( Aa meetings are currently offer online) and I suggest you try attending some Al-Anon meetings and finding a therapist yourself. If you have read any of my post you would know my husband is still struggling and has continued to drink and do drugs. At the end of the day it is you who needs to set the boundaries and decide what is best for your own well being.

This is an amazing forum and you will get a ton of great advice, but the most important thing to remember is be patience and do not expect a miracle ( addiction isn't that simple). I lost my mom 6 years ago and the pain begins to ase overtime, but you are your lowest point is when it is the hardest not being able to call, just remember that.

I wish you all the very best and I hope that rehab worked.
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Posted: July 17, 2020, 8:18 PM


Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019



Hi Forster and welcome. I'm sorry to hear about your wife and it's a good thing she's in rehab and that is positive. My opinion is not to bring up the past and all the costs. We can not change the past nor can she. She already likely has shame and I don't think it would be beneficial. She knows. I would look at it as a new start to a good future. I would want to be encouraging to her. Its not the time to take her inventory. Just my opinion and I hope she continues to do well!
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Posted: July 18, 2020, 9:46 AM


Posts: 3
Joined: July 17, 2020



Thank you, I get it don't bring up the past. it can hurt her more then benefit her. So trust am i supposed to just forget everything and just trust her right away? I mean how do i tell her that she has to regain my trust? This might sound mean but why should i make her a priority when i am not a priority to her?
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Posted: July 18, 2020, 11:32 AM


Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019



I think what may be helpful (my opinion of course) is to decide for yourself what your boundaries are regarding what you will and will not tolerate. When people are in active addiction they break all the rules and then some. They lose their moral compass. If she is in active recovery this should change. She should be open, transparent, trustworthy, and responsible. If she's not, then you have to decide if you want to tolerate a life with this person or not. Some people choose to and they are miserable. She had sobriety for 20 years what was she like then?
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Posted: July 18, 2020, 1:52 PM


Posts: 3
Joined: July 17, 2020



She was the greatest wife a man could ask for! She is a great person she really is. She got caught by this alcohol addiction and it took over. I want to trust her but at the same time i don't want to let my guard down and be blind sided again. Does that make since? To me Lying is one of the most disrespectful actions someone can do to a loved one period.
I pray that she is the same woman that i was married to for 20 years i really do. Because this last year as been hell! I don't know i haven't even heard a "I am sorry for all this" from her. Not sure if she is waiting until she gets home or what. IDK i just have a lot of questions that i could ask but some of them are kinda harsh because of the position she put us in. I am not trying to be mean at all i will help her any way i can and be so very supportive but i would like some answers i guess for closer.
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Posted: July 18, 2020, 9:35 PM


Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019



I completely understand and it makes sense. Its hard to trust someone who has betrayed us. With addiction, there is much anxiety because it's very unpredictable and it is so horrible to live with. It is exhausting for loved ones.

From my own personal experience, this all comes with the territory of addiction. As Lostgirl mentioned in her post, you may want to join a support group for yourself. We can lose ourselves in the process of a loved one's addiction.

For me, I try to stay centered and hold true to my convictions and personal boundries. In a kind way, I have stated clearly what these are to my daughter so she knows. We do not live together because I personally cannot live with an active addict. She knows this because I told her. I try not to deny what I know to be true about her addiction as horrible as it is. I try to stay grounded in reality and encourage her to seek help. Addiction is heartbreaking in so many ways.
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