Scared Of My Sister’s Threats
Posted: July 6, 2020, 3:57 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: July 6, 2020

Hi everyone,

This is my first time reaching out to any kind of actual organization for help with this.

My (30) older sister (31) has been an addict since we were teens. It really sucks and is really sad because she’s a brilliant and talented and regularly kind human when she’s clean (she also struggles with some emotional disorders and mental illness that can make her irrational and erratic, but when she’s on her meds and everything, she’s not bad), but majorly lacks any sort of coping skills and so when things get tough, she relapses and things get worse every time. This time, she’s hardcore using meth and has already been arrested at least once for drug and violence related charges.

As I’m sure y’all know, this is really hard for my family and I - constantly living in fear for her, wanting to help, celebrating the periods of sobriety, then despairing over the relapses... its a really hard situation and she’s also ODed many times and tried to kill her self... it’s just a really miserable thing.

Currently - the thing I’m writing about - she’s been trying to manipulate myself and my parents into giving her money (in some cases, exorbitant amounts) and because we won’t, she’s been threatening us over Facebook messenger. My mom is worried that she’s going to, for instance, poison the family dog, and while I live a few states away from where my sister is currently, she used to live a state over from where I am now and I’m worried about “revenge” from her friends in the area or her SWAT-ing my fiancé and I, or her trying to get me fired from my job as a teacher... she’s capable of both serious physical and intellectual cruelty - I’ve experienced it my whole life - and I’m just really scared that she’s going to do something to me or my parents. (I should also mention that I had a pretty traumatic relationship a few years ago that involved me getting stalked when it ended and another instance of threats that I never knew if were serious or not, so it’s bringing some of that back, too)

I couldn’t think of anything to do but report it to crime stoppers (her threats are too vague to really count for any sort of actual protective measures I think, and I’m also concerned about her getting hurt by cops)

This post has been edited by DesertFlower90 on July 6, 2020, 4:13 AM
Posted: July 6, 2020, 10:29 AM

Posts: 327
Joined: December 23, 2018

Hi DesertFlower, I glad you came here but I'm sorry your sister has put you in this situation. 1st - this is a great forum to get emotional support with no judgment or anger.

I would say 1st step for you & your parents is to let your sister know that you are taking a step back & will disconnect each time she threatens, bullies, berates, etc. 2nd - YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THRU. She is resorting to emotional blackmail which has worked in the past. Under no circumstances give her money directly. My husband & I are/were classic enablers & I read something that stuck with me. "Giving a addict money is giving them more money for drugs", whether it $5 for gas or $100, it will go to drugs.

Another phrase that helps me is "I didn't cause this, I can't control this & I can't fix this". I spent years & months searching for rehabs, detox centers, mental health counselors, sober living houses & so did my cousin. My cousin found a place that was going to admit him at 9am the following day. My son played along because my cousin was feeding him & letting him stay with her, she even filled up his truck a couple of time (he was there about a week). The morning of the admission, she had taken off work to take him to the facility when he "suddenly" remembered he didn't have health insurance. He was a ugly manipulative, lying addict. My cousin told him to get his stuff & hit the road. The way he treated me, his dad & his brothers, even is sisters in law & nieces was absolutely appalling. One by one each one of us blocked his phone number after he'd call SCREAMING AT US, cursing, threatening or suicidal. We also live in another state, partly because of him.

He convinced my husband he had this amazing opportunity to start a business with a man, but needed start up money. I told my husband every fiber of my being was screaming this was a horrible idea, but unfortunately he did it anyway. We never saw the money again & two weeks later he was fired from his job (called on my birthday to tell me). Called on Father's Day to tell us it was final. 3 Weeks later he moved & didn't give us his address & changed his phone number. No one heard from him for 6 months. Then for the next 4 months he continually torment our family with his erratic, crazy behavior.

Your sister is probably tormenting you & your parents because she CAN, it gets her attention, it gets a reaction. Your sister is the only person who can change her situation, all the love, tough love, anger, sickness, threats, etc will not change the mind of an addict. Even if you DO find a rehab that doesn't mean she will stay or participate. It's a cliché that they have to hit rock bottom, some addicts choose their life because their drug controls everything in their body.

Try to help your parents back away, let your sister know she cannot threaten your parents again. If she can't act respectful, she is not allowed to call. Let her know that no one will tolerate her rude behavior. It is NOT easy, no matter what you still love your family member. But the health problems that my husband & I started having directly because of our son were killing us! We are both in our 60's & I have high blood pressure but even with meds, my BP was super high & my husband has never had high BP, but suddenly had readings of 220/90 & all over the chart! In addition we are both an anti anxiety meds, we weren't sleeping, etc. You need to support your parents & help them make proactive decisions. Many times other kids will cause additional stress for the parents too - accusing them of not doing enough or doing too much.

It is a very hard situation & it will destroy the entire family. I'm sorry if this was way too long & these are just my opinions. You take care & feel free to come back on here & post. We will all listen
Posted: July 7, 2020, 9:12 PM

Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019

Hi Desertflower it's good you are reaching out. Great post from mntmom to help you. Its obvious your fear is very real and you need to take your instincts seriously. Your sister sounds capable of violence and sounds like she has a history of it. It sounds too like she has threatened you and your parents. You may consider documenting all this information and taking it to a lawyer to find out how to best protect yourself without escalating the situation. I'm not sure, because I'm not a lawyer, however the lawyer may send a letter to your sister letting her know any future threats will not be tolerated and the proper authories will be notified. This may or may not be effective IDK just thinking of options. Your safety comes first. Of course, if she becomes a real threat call 911. I'm sorry you are in this situation.
Posted: July 8, 2020, 9:27 AM

Posts: 327
Joined: December 23, 2018

That is a great suggestion SallyAnna - desert, also keep records of phone calls, messages, text messages etc.
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