Advice Needed
Posted: May 14, 2020, 9:49 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: May 4, 2020



Hello,
My husband is getting out of rehab next week and I wanted to know what I shouldn't and should say/do. I Am still very angry and upset with the situation (telling me he was clean for years and overdosed two weeks ago and I barely saved his life). Lying to me for years etc. And I just started a new job so I can't take time off and I told him I could pick him up after 2pm (it's a 3 hour drive) and he got upset me with. I am the only one working and we just had to pay a lot of money for rehab.

I think I have a right to be annoyed, but his mother told me he is probably just anxious to come home and I should try and adjust my work schedule more. It's not that easy, I wish it was.

Do I have a right to be annoyed?
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Posted: May 14, 2020, 10:26 PM


Posts: 277
Joined: December 23, 2018



YES! You have every right to be annoyed & he has to figure how to handle problems, delays, changes in schedules, people not dropping everything to come to the rescue..... You & your husband are going to have to find a healing space & how to do this. Therapy for both of your individually & together is probably necessary to get off on the right foot
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Posted: May 14, 2020, 10:50 PM


Posts: 1663
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hello Lost,
Yes, you have a right to be annoyed. It isn't what you signed up for. It is going to be an adjustment for both of you. idk if he is working, if not it may take a while for him to get back to work. That alone is stressful.

Have you been to counseling? Maybe you can find a counselor at a recovery center to talk to. Your husband should have a outpatient recovery plan and be going to meetings - oh - right - they probably are not being held now.... On line meetings, Smartrecovery.org, NA meetings

When I went to NarAnon many years ago, it was suggested to set up boundaries. Just a few of the most important. For example, curfew, rules about car usage - this is aimed at our children, so idk what might be appropriate for a spouse. Maybe financial boundary if funds have been mismanaged. If you are going to work and he is home, maybe he can do some chores or household projects. make a list together.

An example of keeping the list short and simple:
A woman and her husband let her brother stay with them after rehab. she had 3 rules: 1st month get a job, 2nd month get a car, 3rd month get apartment (get out!)

two years ago my son went to rehab for 2 months, when he came home things were great for about 4 months, he worked out, played golf, worked part time, went to meetings everyday, made dr appointments, did not hang out with old friends, tried to do things with new friends, then went back to drinking and then using. and another nightmare of a time for many months, finally rehab again, he no longer lives with us.

It is not an easy journey. stay true to yourself and don't feel bad about taking a path that you need to do for yourself. no one else is going to do what's best for you.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on May 14, 2020, 10:54 PM
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Posted: May 15, 2020, 3:46 AM


Posts: 149
Joined: November 10, 2019



Lost, yes you have a right to your feelings. Plus you are right NOT to adjust your work schedule for him. His mom sounds like a classic enabler to tell you to. Do what is best for you and listen to your gut with no apologies.

He has betrayed your trust and your marriage. He needs to be totally transparent otherwise he's just fooling himself. However, be smart and don't let him fool you. Marriage should be a mutually respectful relationship. Its not suppose to be filled with surprises and rugs getting pulled out. Stay true to yourself.
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Posted: May 15, 2020, 4:57 PM


Posts: 277
Joined: December 23, 2018



One more comment from me, maybe his mother could adjust HER schedule to help her son??? Lots of people have tons of advice but very few actually offer anything beneficial.
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Posted: May 19, 2020, 8:58 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: May 4, 2020



Thank you all for your feedback. I am picking him tomorrow morning and incredibly anxious as I do not know what the future holds, but we are starting couples counseling this week and I am hoping for the best, but also understand that anything can happened.
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Posted: May 20, 2020, 9:43 PM


Posts: 149
Joined: November 10, 2019



Thinking of you lostgirl...
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Posted: May 25, 2020, 9:07 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: May 4, 2020



Has anyone else loved one who was an addict refused to talk about the past once he or she was out of rehab and only wanted to talk about the future?

I have so many questions, but it only causes an argument when I try to ask my husband about this past year. his therapist in rehab told me to keep things light and not focus on what has happened, but it's really hard. I am still angry, confused, and upset... I get that not bringing it up will help him with his recovery, but I don't feel that it's fair.

Has anyone else dealt with this
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Posted: May 26, 2020, 8:02 AM


Posts: 149
Joined: November 10, 2019



He may be dealing with alot of shame and guilt which may trigger his addiction. Maybe in the future, when his addiction recovery is more stable, he can talk about it. Active addiction consists of lies, manipulation, secrets, and irrational behavor...it's a given. He's likely using all his efforts on his recovery now...a new beginning. Its not easy and sounds like he's trying.

In my opinion, what has been happening in your marriage is an addiction problem, not a marriage problem. Yes, addiction affects marriage, however going to marriage therapy right now may not be helpful. It may be best for you to go to therapy while he does his recovery work on his addiction. In my opinion, this makes more sense.
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Posted: May 27, 2020, 12:28 AM


Posts: 1663
Joined: June 27, 2016



I do remember several times after rehab that my son would say phrases like - stop living in the past, I can’t think about past have to think about future. I think part of it is that the past is filled with dysfunctional stuff, and things they are not proud of, as sallyanna said.

When my son has been out of rehab life is pretty bleak. Always starting over with nothing. Hope that things will be better are all he has to get thru the day. He has said that he did not like AA because they always dwell on the past. His mantra is to try to stay positive.


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