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Posted: May 4, 2020, 9:31 PM
I never thought I would ever be in his situation as I have never even tried any type of drugs ( not even a cigarette).
I met my now husband (been married for almost a year) nine years ago. When we met he told me he was a recovering addict and was on suboxone. Fast forward to this year, I discovered he starting using again while I was away on a work trip . He said he had it uncontrolled and begged me to not tell his family. This was back in January and since then he has been drinking 3 to 4 days a week and lying to me about it. This past week we got in a big fight and he ended up at his uncle's where he got wasted. I called his brother for help and it just made things worse. He told his uncle and his brother he was going home.When he didn't come home I proceed calling him multiple times with no answer. I called his uncle and brother and no one knew where he was. After 3 hours he finally answered and told me " he fell asleep" I didn't believe that. When he got home and finally admitted he used heroin. He didn't look right and I went to grab my phone to look up overdose signs and before the page could load I found him hunch over in the bathroom turning purple. I called 911 and they had me proceed with cpr. It felt like the paramedics took forever to arrive. They were able to bring him back and that night I called his brother and parents and asked for help. He is currently in rehab, but I am realizing I had been naive and enabling him. I am scared because I love him, but I don't know if I want to live a life like this. Any experience or advice you could provide would be extremely grateful. | ||
Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019
Posted: May 4, 2020, 10:27 PM
Lostgirl you are a pretty strong person to have gone through what you went through. I think also you are asking yourself all the right questions.
I personally believe addiction is a very tough life. Its tough for the person who has it and it's tough on those who love them. Addiction is all consuming and it takes a strong desire, the right help, personal motivation, and dedication to manage it. Its not easy however it can be done. It sounds like he may have been doing well prior to having to stay home. I think it's a good sign he went to rehab right away to get back on a healthier path. Its not an easy life being married to someone with an addiction. Much depends on how well they live their sobriety and if they are honest with themselves and their spouse. It would be very, very difficult to be married to an active addict.....very unhealthy. I wish you all the best. | ||
Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: May 4, 2020, 10:45 PM
I agree with SallyAnna, most rehabs will provide family support and aftercare for the family. He needs to tell YOU what he is willing to do for himself and for you so you can regain the trust you had. The counselors can help you both rebuild your life.
I also agree that him being in rehab is a very good sign. Hopefully this is a huge wake up call. It's not wrong or bad to support your husband during this time, so don't let anyone tell you that you should leave him, etc. I've said this before & I'll say it again, this is a safe, secure place to discuss your fears, joys, doubts, etc. without judgment or criticism. We are a group who have been in similar shoes for many years. We will give you advice or a (virtual) shoulder to cry on. Take care, & come back & continue to chat with us! | ||
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Posted: May 5, 2020, 7:46 AM
Thank you both for saying that, because right now I feel incredibly weak. I am trying to hold everything together and not fall apart. I just started a new job and I can't take anytime off.
My husband calls me daily from rehab and I am trying to be as supportive as possible, but I am angry and hurt right now. Also, I am terrified to hear everything he has been lying to me about when he gets out. But I am positive because for once he is excited about therapy and talking about what he wants to do when he gets out. Has anyone been through this? Did marriage counseling help? If not, what helped ? | ||
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Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: May 6, 2020, 1:44 PM
Lostgirl - you have EVERY right in the world to be angry, hurt, scared, terrified, distrustful! Because of everything HE has done to himself & you. When we love someone, we trust them. When they betray our trust, that wound does not heal immediately.
My addict is an adult son so we have not been thru counseling with HIM however, rehab & after care will work with the family. You also need a safe place to express you fears & someone to give you guidance on rebuilding your trust. Ask the rehab what they have for spouses. Congrats on the new job!!! Stick with it, it's a great diversion AND don't bring your personal problems to the workplace. And it is ok to feel hope!! | ||
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Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019
Posted: May 7, 2020, 8:44 AM
Lostgirl I think what may help is really searching and defining what your personal boundaries are. What you will and what you won't tolerate in your life or in any relationship. These are so important in keeping ourselves healthy. Addiction has a tendency to blur these lines and the consequences are not positive (very negative and unhealthy). You may have to seek therapy for yourself to strengthen or explore and know what your boundaries are.
Once you have a clear idea of your personal boundaries you are able to use those to make major decisions about your life. You are also able to tell other people what they are so they know what you will and won't tolerate. Anyone who repeatedly violates your boundaries is someone you probably should not have in your life. There's no respect and no trust. For example, lying may be a boundary for you that you won't tolerate. Usually, if there's 1 lie there's 50, sadly. Just food for thought. This post has been edited by Sallyana on May 7, 2020, 8:45 AM | ||
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Posted: May 7, 2020, 3:21 PM
Hi,
I fully agree with you that I need to go for counseling as well to get an outsiders opinion. And while he is in rehab I am taking a close look at what boundaries will need to be set and what my breaking point will be. In my head I already have a plan B if I need too. I am hoping to God that I never have to use my plan B, but I have already expressed to his family that things will need to drastically change and if it doesn't I don't think I could ever relive what happened again. Right now, my husband is really excited about sharing in group and going to therapy. That is a first for him and I am praying that almost dying and going to rehab will eventually help him realize his problems. Thank you all for your support and kind words. I truly appreciate it. | ||
Posts: 43
Joined: September 24, 2015
Posted: June 26, 2020, 1:55 AM
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I have been with my now husband for 8 years. He has been an addict for 6. He has also had to have 911 called MANY times. I’m talking weekly. He has diabetes so it’s always causing problems. I was in a similar situation but had a baby and I actually left before it got to that point and called 911 and they found Him unresponsive and had to resuscitate. Had I not called he wouldn’t be here. I am crying at 1 am because he is lying, making me believe I’m stupid and don’t know anything because I know he has been using. We have a baby and it is so so hard. I am on here begging for help for the strength to do what is right for me and my baby. Wishing I had of listened to the hundreds of people on this page who told me to leave him years ago. It is hard so hard I wasn’t able to do it. I don’t know you personally, but you deserve so much better than this. I, like you, have never done any drug or even drank this is not the life I want. This isn’t what I want for my child. I hate myself every day for not seeing this sooner. I feel so bad that he will have a dad that is either an addict, not around because I have the courage to leave, or worst case dead. Unless you want this to be your life, leave and find someone who you can trust to take care of you. I believe in everything happens for a purpose. I haven’t been on this page in a little over a year and tonight I was at such a breaking point I needed to vent. I made a post saying don’t make my mistake and then came across yours. I will pray that you have the strength to do what is best for you. Best of luck to you.
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Posted: June 26, 2020, 8:56 AM
Hi Katie42,
Thank you so much for your advice and I am so so sorry that you are in the situation you are in. Right now, my husband and I are in marriage counseling and he has started EDMR therapy. I have thought about leaving, but before I make any type of decision I want to know I tried to save our marriage. This is the first time since we've together that he is actually doing therapy and that is his family knows the truth about everything. So I am hopeful or you could call it being naive depending on how you look at the situation. It sounds like you are beyond your breaking point and your husband hasn't tried to change. I think you should do what is right for you and your child ( I know easier we said then done). I have learned that their choices are their choices and we shouldn't feel guilty at all. We are not their mothers we are their wives and at the end of the day we have no control over what they do due to this horrible disease. You sound like a very strong woman and please let me know if you need anything or you just went to vent. We are not along in this and never forget that. | ||
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