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Self Worth


Posts: 1
Joined: April 20, 2020


Posted: April 20, 2020, 6:02 PM
Hello everyone,I recently reconnected with a man I’ve known for ten years.He has shared openly he is an alcoholic,he wants tough love from me and admitted he needs help.This has all come to fruition in the last six months.I’ve had some hard realizations and teachings and made the decision to A.) no longer have a drink with him.I do not have a problem with alcohol so no biggie.I did however wonder at one point why the heck I was drinking as it’s not something I care to do!?So that’s the end of that. B.) No longer loan him money or or buy him alcohol,or drive anywhere for him that isn’t healthy.C.) Encourage AA meetings,Doctor Appointments,His passion to pursue massage therapy career,encourage him to read the recovery books I loaned him and encourage him to call the Native American Elder I introduced him to.He is in separation from his wife and finalizing a divorce.I am leaving my marriage in ten days and moving two hours drive away.How do I maintain my mental health (I am recovering from CPTSD),”tough love”him as he has asked and maintain a friendship? I have begun to notice inconsistencies in our conversations and that has affected my trust.I wanted to go to Al-Anon but this board is the next best thing.Thank you in advance for your responses.


Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018


Posted: April 20, 2020, 6:19 PM
Go with your instincts, they are telling you to beware for a reason. Why is it YOUR responsibility to give him tough love & hold him accountable? What's in it for YOU? What is he bringing to this relationship? Financial support? Emotional support? Physical support? What is your relationship? Are you going to spend your life with him or is it a one sided friendship - you offer advice, help & support all the while struggling alone with your divorce, change in circumstance, fear, sadness, etc?

Getting involved willingly with a man KNOWING he's an addict NOT in treatment is asking for problems & more problems. You aren't his savior & many of us on this page know this road because we've been on it with our children, not just partners. If we could have WILLINGLY chosen ANY OTHER ROAD for our loved ones, we would have. You can't force him to get better & it really has to be his decision. You can't wish, hope, beg, pray, cry, scream, threaten, promise or anything else him to stop drinking.

My advice is to back away & tell him HE needs to make the choices he needs to make & you will support him all the way. But at this time, he's not willing to do that. Also, addicts will promise you the world if they think you will back off from bugging them but will get mad if you keep mentioning their addiction & asking them about it.

Good Luck, this is a very hard road & I wish you the best!


Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016


Posted: April 20, 2020, 6:59 PM
I agree with the mtnmom. You have been through a lot. You need to be able to relax and focus on your own healing, health, etc. You do not need someone draining your energy, finances, and time.

many years ago, I would call a friend to say Hi. after listening to their stories, I would start to tell something I wanted to talk about... the 'friend' didn't have time! Its such an empty feeling, to be there for someone else, when that person is not there for you.

You do not want to be a in a baby sitter, parent, police role with your friend. He needs to use recovery programs to help himself. Your relationship with him should be separate from his recovery.

You are moving 2 hours away, this is a good time to give some distance that relationship.




Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019


Posted: April 20, 2020, 10:33 PM
I agree too with mtnmom and NTF. It is not your job or responsibility to 'keep him in line with tough love: He's an adult and he's responsible for his life and choices. He's wanting to blur the lines and it's just not right. The best thing to do (my opinion) is to tell him "I want to be your friend however how you deal or not deal with your alcohol addiction is YOUR responsibility not mine." Its not your job to take this on. He owns it and needs to take care of it. Remember, you have to live your life and take care of your needs and happiness. You don't want a parent-child relationship. They never work and it's very unhealthy if not toxic.


Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019


Posted: April 22, 2020, 8:05 PM
I just wanted to add some thoughts. I think having a family member or being in a relationship with someone with an addiction takes balance, courage, strength, and honesty. We have to be honest with ourselves about the truth of their addiction. We have to see it and understand it clearly. We can't minimize it, sugar coat it, or accommodate it. Yet, at the same time, (here's where the balancing comes in) we want them to know we love, care, and support them in a healthy manner. Which, in my experience is "Sarah, (not my daughter's real name) I love you and am here for you however Im not tolerating your addiction. You have to have a plan for your addiction. I can't live with it and it's taking your life away day by day. If you want to share your plan I'm always available to listen. The action steps are yours".

The courage and the strength for us comes in letting go. It takes strength to step back and see where the chips fall. Its hard to hear and watch the consequences of their bad choices. However, I have to say "so what are you going to do? What is your plan? I have to hand and give it back to her. Not easy at all.


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