Codependency - How Do I Stop?
Posted: March 24, 2020, 7:59 PM


Posts: 56
Joined: March 20, 2018



How do I stop being codependent without seeming selfish, given that most days I'm a Stepford Wife or a June Cleaver who works?

I honestly don't even know who I am anymore. My whole life has been that of nurturing, giving and being selfless. I don't begrudge that, I know I'm a decent human being. But I worry.

My son is still in rehab and I worry that if I/we don't change, rehab will all be for not.
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Posted: March 24, 2020, 9:31 PM


Posts: 277
Joined: December 23, 2018



This is where you need NA or some support/counseling for yourself. You need help to stop doing things the same way & expecting a different result. It's not easy, but it is necessary for you & your son
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Posted: March 24, 2020, 11:15 PM


Posts: 147
Joined: November 10, 2019



I think too it's important to define ourselves as 2 distinct different people. I am me, you are you. There has to be a clear boundary. You are responsible for your well being and happiness. He is responsible for his.

I think what happens in addiction this line gets really blurred. It not only messes them up but it messes us up too. We lose our autonomy and we tend to compensate for them. Its important to focus on what 'is right' and not what relieves our anxiety.

It's a very hard pattern to break. Once you do, you will feel liberated.
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Posted: March 25, 2020, 12:08 AM


Posts: 1661
Joined: June 27, 2016



From a birds eye view, I can say my husband and I were fixers and do’ers. DIY!
Our son became something we kept fixing. He relied on us fixing it. Car problem? Fix it! Money problem? Here! Like we didn’t know how to do nothing.

Problem: how do you ‘do’ for your selves and not for your son when he is living w you? That’s why we did not let our son return home. It was not easy to follow thru on but our son understood and didn’t make us feel guilty. He knew he needed to be independent. He did not like the way he was living but had been living that way for so long he did not know how to not do what he did.

Good to hear your son is still in rehab. With the virus issue going on you might be able to stretch the rehab (if it is not financially impacting you). No one is hiring people now so he should stay where he is.

Next step, encourage him to move to sober living type of housing. Rent is less expensive, living w other sober people, less tempting, I didn’t know how important it is to stay in a program until I was watch a lot of YouTube videos of people who were successful in recovery. They kept a connection with a recovery group and said ‘you’ have to be in it 100%, 80% isn’t good enough to stay sober.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on March 25, 2020, 12:18 AM
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Posted: March 25, 2020, 3:20 PM


Posts: 56
Joined: March 20, 2018



Thank you for all of the above. <3 I appreciate your support more than you know.
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Posted: March 27, 2020, 11:18 PM


Posts: 147
Joined: November 10, 2019



Mom you sound like a very, very nice person and I hope your son continues to do well. Treat yourself as well as you treat others
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