My Fiancé Is An Addict
Posted: March 19, 2020, 5:23 PM


Posts: 4
Joined: March 19, 2020



I am not an addict my fiancé is. He says he has been clean for almost 3 years at this point. His main drug of choice was Heroin but he used Meth for a while as well. Back in January we were at the beach and I found Meth in his backpack. He said it wasn’t his. He said he hasn’t used the backpack in years. I chose to believe him and just flush it. We were on family vacation so I didn’t want to cause a scene by making him take a drug test around my family. I never got the chance to verify if he was telling the truth or not. Fast forward to this morning when I found what I think to be Meth or possibly cocaine if I believe his story. I just had a feeling to look in a drawer by where he usually sits and watches tv and there it was, a bag of something, tin foil folded up, and a straw with residue on the inside. I of course confronted him, first he was like I don’t know what your talking about. Then he realized that he couldn’t use the it’s not mine excuse because there are only two of us and I sure as hell didn’t bring it in. He then tried to say that this baggy had cocaine in it not meth and that he bought it for us to do together. While I am not an addict nor have I ever been, I do cocaine every once every like 6 months roughly. So that part I could have believed if it was actually cocaine and I didn’t find tin foil and a used straw. Also, I recreationally do cocaine from time to time and I know what cocaine tastes like and looks like. The stuff in this bag was not cocaine. I know that because it was clear and shard like. I also grabbed a piece and tasted it just to make sure and it did not taste anything like cocaine. I came with a clear stance and facts of all of the things I found. I told him that it wasn’t cocaine and told him how I knew that. He told me I was wrong and didn’t know what I was talking about. Then I brought up the tin foil. He said that what it came wrapped in. I know that’s not true, it was in a little plastic bag. That coupled with the straw with residue in it makes me 100% positive that I know he’s lying and that he has been using. He told me he grabbed the straw out of his car. He said that it could have been there for months. So that means that either he was doing meth, is doing meth, or had someone in his car who was smoking meth and that he just so happened to grab that one straw. I have such strong evidence and he still can’t admit anything or tell me the truth. At this point I have no idea what to do. He said he would take a drug test but I know there are ways around that so even if he magically passes, I doubt it’s because he’s telling the truth. I’m just at my breaking point right now. I told him that I would forgive him and stay with him as long as he told me the truth and got help but still nothing. Please any advice would be gladly accepted. I really don’t know what to do.
  Top
Posted: March 19, 2020, 8:17 PM


Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018



You really should consider your future.This path you are going down does not get easier. He is lying to you about more than drugs. If he hasn't yet he will steal your money,your car, your safety.
If you want him to quit, you need to walk away from him.
  Top
Posted: March 19, 2020, 9:58 PM


Posts: 4
Joined: March 19, 2020



Thank you for the advice. Even though I Am at my wits end, leaving him is not an option at this point. I truly love and care about him.
  Top
Posted: March 21, 2020, 9:27 AM


Posts: 158
Joined: November 10, 2019



Yes, please consider your future. I know you love and care about him however there are some very important red flags you cannot ignore. If you do, you will be compromising YOUR integrity and YOUR happiness and life, along with YOUR mental and physical health. Also the health of any children or future children.

Please be aware your first gut feeling is usually the truth. After that we tend to minimize and rationalize. I read a bit of that in your post. Please remember how an incident first makes you feel and think. Be aware not to minimize or rationalize.

People with addictions are married to their addiction. You will always feel 2nd or more like 5th place. Its a compromised life and it's VERY dysfunctional and it will ruin anything and everything you truly care about. You will find yourself becoming and doing things you never thought you would do to compensate for him. Its a JOB not a loving mutual relationship.

Yes, please do consider your future. Please don't deny what you know to be true.
  Top
Posted: March 21, 2020, 10:17 AM


Posts: 1671
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hello, sorry you are going thru this stressful time. You can not control your bf actions. You can control yours. It is possible to have a loving relationship without living together. Living with a person in active addiction is nearly impossible to keep your life ‘normal’. You need a safe ‘home base’. Every day of your bf’s addiction seeps into your day if you do not have the distance and comfort of your own home to go retreat to. You do not want to sacrifice your mental, emotional and financial well being during this time.

You want to draw the line between his life choices and yours. He can live his life the way he wants, but it should not bring you down with it.

Start planning by separating your finances so you can live in your own place. You can still love and date, but you will have your safe zone to go to. This is essential for you.
  Top
Posted: March 21, 2020, 10:42 AM


Posts: 57
Joined: March 20, 2018



It hurts so much when someone we love lies.

I'm sorry you're going through this, especially coupled with all that is going on in the world right now.

I agree with others, protect yourself. Start planning. Keep yourself safe, your belongings and your finances. Leaving, or asking your bf to leave doesn't mean you don't love him, it means you love yourself too.

I should also add that my son is my addict and heeding my own advice is not easy at all.

xo

--------------------
I read all the parenting books, we played together, they played with friends. I was there for them before and after school, they played hockey and soccer, we went on holidays. I thought I was doing it right.
  Top
Posted: March 21, 2020, 2:08 PM


Posts: 4
Joined: March 19, 2020



My big issue about ending it or making him move out is that he shows no signs or symptoms of doing drugs. He eats very regularly at least 3 times a day. He sleeps at least 5 hours every night if not more. He doesn’t seem to have an excess of energy and doesn’t act paranoid. Every drug test I’ve given him he’s passed. The only thing is that I found drugs so I don’t understand what’s going on.
  Top
Posted: March 21, 2020, 3:16 PM


Posts: 158
Joined: November 10, 2019



You need to reread your first post then reread your last post. It's obvious to me your tone has changed. Your first post is a more genuine account of your situation. Your last post is a "well maybe it's not so bad, I only found drugs" . Believe me, it's bad....
  Top
Posted: March 21, 2020, 3:19 PM


Posts: 158
Joined: November 10, 2019



And...the title of your post is... 'My fiance is an Addict'
  Top
Posted: March 21, 2020, 5:16 PM


Posts: 4
Joined: March 19, 2020



Both of my posts I feel like are genuine. All of the thing I said in the original post I feel to be true. There are just other factors. Besides actually finding the drugs and paraphernalia he’s given no signs that he’s actually using. I realized in my previous post, I didn’t give all of the information I feel like was needed to get the best and most truthful advice possible.
  Top
Posted: March 21, 2020, 5:50 PM


Posts: 4
Joined: March 19, 2020



In regards to the title of this post. I should have put my fiancé is a recovering addict. I would love to believe he is in recovery still but I am not naive. I know there have been drugs that I have found that were his. I know I have found paraphernalia. I also have been around other addicts, mostly Meth users, and know most of the signs and symptoms. He has not exhibited the normal behaviors that Meth users exhibit. When I wrote the original post I was very upset and angry which is understandable. After rereading it a third time because of one comment that was made, I definitely see how It could be perceived as two different tones but that is not how I meant it to come across. I am trying to make a decision that could change the course of my life and I felt like I did not give enough information the first time around.
  Top
Posted: March 21, 2020, 7:56 PM


Posts: 158
Joined: November 10, 2019



I'm sorry I did not mean for you to defend yourself. I apologize to you. I was just pointing out how 'we' (myself included) can look at the situation and see it two different ways. I would also be alarmed to find my fiance to be possession of drugs, especially if they have a history of addiction. I would also not want to break up if I loved and cared about him. Its not easy to live with someone with an addiction or be married to one.

Depending on usage and tolerance some people can appear pretty normal on drugs. I don't know what his recovery consists of or how devoted he is to it or has been devoted to it. It appears to me he may be lying and lying isn't good for any relationship because it affects trust. If you can't trust someone then their is no relationship. At least not a healthy one.

I was married for 25 years when I found out my ex husband had a secret life the entire time we were married. I had no idea, he was that good. I loved him dearly and I found out I was just a cover for a pretty horrible secret life. He committed suicide 2 years ago.
  Top
Posted: May 4, 2020, 9:44 PM


Posts: 14
Joined: May 4, 2020



Whenever my husband would tell me it's not his and that he wasn't high, I would feel it in my gut that he was lying to me. He is an incredible liar and made me feel like I was crazy. This past year, I finally trusted my gut and wouldn't stop asking until I got the truth.

He convince me that he was just an occasional user and had it under control. The past month he has been spiralling out of control due to not working (covid 19) and just overdosed last week. I have never done drugs in my life, but recognized something was wrong and before I knew it he was hunched over and turning purple. The 911 operator had me count outloud while I performed CPR. The paramedics said I barely saved his life.

I hope to God you never find yourself in this place. He is currently in rehab and if I was you I would tell your family and his. After 9 years my family knows the truth now and his family now knows he is still struggling. They have been my biggest support system through this.

I do not know what our future holds as there is no longer any trust. For now, I will take it day by day and have a plan in my head if he can't get clean. I love him to death, but I never want to watch the man I love stop breathing.

Really, think if this is what you want for your life. I know you love him, but until he gets help it will only get worse. He is the one who needs to realize this. I tried for years to get him help, but it always failed.

  top of page  Top