Want Out
Posted: March 10, 2020, 6:33 PM


Posts: 8
Joined: March 10, 2020



Hi,
I just need some support. My son is now 30 and has been addicted to heroin and meth for 11 years. It has been a living hell. We have gone thru it all. The lying, stealing, etc. His brother and sister wont have anything to do with him because of all the pain he has caused. They get angry at my husband and I when ever we try to help him. We put him thru rehab twice, and paid for two sober living houses. He always relapses. We kicked him out for 2 years, he lived on the street and it almost killed me. We have spent over 30,000 trying to help him. We are retired now and just dont have anymore money to spend on him. He got out of jail last October, we let him move back in with us to try again to help. He got a job and we were hopeful. Two weeks ago he used again and got into a car accident. Needless to say he is back in the court system and once again telling me it was just that one time. I just found a syringe in his clothing. Its killing me. My husband and I want to put the house up for sale and move out of state to be close to our daughter. But is right for me to leave my son? He cant take care of himself and will surely become homeless again. Is it selfish to want to live our lives away from the drama? We are getting old and I'd like some peace. But we love our son. Help
  Top
Posted: March 10, 2020, 8:04 PM


Posts: 283
Joined: December 23, 2018



It is absolutely ok to put yourself first now! Is it easy? absolutely not. When you stop helping, they will sometimes figure things out on their own. Is he in custody now? You & hubby should have a heart to heart & tell him that you cannot waste another penny on his use. The only help you can give him ride to the treatment of his choice. And he needs to move out. Tell him you love him & nothing he has done to you (place it directly back on him) will ever change that, but he has hurt you beyond comprehension & is seriously affecting your health (mentally, physically & emotionally) and you cannot let him kill you too. Set down the rules: move out? drug test? No drugs at all? Must attend meetings? Whatever it is, whatever YOU need. Every time he has a warm house, clean bed, food, money, gas money, etc. he has a cushion. If he is homeless, unfortunately he is choosing drugs over comfort - his choice. If you give him gas money, he has that much more money for drugs, you bail him out - more money for drugs.

These are harsh realities but one "mantra" I try to remember is I didn't cause this, I can't control this & I can't cure this. This is a great chat room to vent & to get advice & comfort. We are all going thru similar situations with our kids or partners. There are wonderful people here & they've help me so much! Hang in there & we are all here for you!
  Top
Posted: March 10, 2020, 9:27 PM


Posts: 158
Joined: November 10, 2019



Longevity at some point we realize we can't put our hand in the toaster anymore. It becomes a point of diminishing returns. You have done so much to sincerely help your son and love him. He has to love himself enough to want to change his life. It has to come from him otherwise it's not going to happen. Sadly, you learn you are just accommodating his addiction and it comes at a heavy cost to you and your husband. Its very hard to let them go and live the consequences of their addiction. Its hard however it's the right thing to do. If you dont, they will take you down with them. You still love him but he needs to live his life the way he's choosing to live it.

  Top
Posted: March 10, 2020, 10:11 PM


Posts: 8
Joined: March 10, 2020



Thank you both. It's what I needed to hear, it's so hard to let go. I feel guilty and sad to think of my child homeless,. It helps to hear from people who.can relate, a lot of people cant. My son is home and waiting for.his court date. Meanwhile my daughter is inviting us to move close to.her and her husband. I need to find the strength to leave my son because I really want to.join her. But then the guilt creeps in, how can I leave my son who will have no where to.go. Thanks for.your encouragement.
  Top
Posted: March 10, 2020, 11:22 PM


Posts: 158
Joined: November 10, 2019



I think a way to look at it is he doesn't have to be homeless. There are options out there for him to live and get a job and support himself...which is kind of how life works. There are shelters that have resources to help people transition back into life. I think the Salvation Army has a program too. So, you aren't really leaving him homeless. He would be making himself homeless if he doesn't choose help, not you.
  Top
Posted: March 10, 2020, 11:50 PM


Posts: 1671
Joined: June 27, 2016



Welcome! I agree 100% with the other posters.
Read my post ‘Crisis Update’ use the search bar at bottom of page. husband and I lived in chaos and fear of what would happen next. Finally kicked out our son and will not let him back. He did not like it at first, but now understands that we had to do it.
Read other’s posts around that same time period. You will find many stories that will be similar to your own.

My son is 30. Two things I knew more than anything were that he needed to learn to be independent and we needed to retire where and how we want to.


This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on March 10, 2020, 11:53 PM
  Top
Posted: March 11, 2020, 9:20 AM


Posts: 158
Joined: November 10, 2019



Yes and also read BugginMe posts from last week regarding codependency. They are very good. There's a great quote she shared I'll always remember:

'You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm'.
  Top
Posted: March 11, 2020, 11:27 AM


Posts: 8
Joined: March 10, 2020



Thanks for all the words. I know you guys are right. My other two kids keep saying the same things. For some reason I feel if I was a better parent he wouldn't be such a mess, giving him too much freedom as a teenager etc. He has always been difficult. But my other two kids are productive independent adults, so I try to hold on to that. I'm going to keep reading your words of encouragement to go on with my life and stop letting him dictate my life. You guys are right my husband and I keep enabling him hoping he will somehow change. But he always takes advantage of us and goes back to using. It's been a decade of torture, time to end it. I just hope my husband and I can find the strength and stop thinking if only we had been better parents he wouldn't be so screwed up. I always tell my two other kids you dont understand because you arent a parent, but you guys are telling me the same things they are. I need to start listening. Thanks
  Top
Posted: March 11, 2020, 12:34 PM


Posts: 158
Joined: November 10, 2019



It sounds strange but it's true....'helping them is hurting them'. They have to own their life and at 30 years old he's a full grown adult. He can choose what he wants his life to look like. Its not our business or our responsibilty.
  Top
Posted: March 11, 2020, 3:14 PM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



I hope you can take a step to improve your own situation and put some distance between you and your son.

Moving to be closer to your daughter does not mean you are abandoning your son... and with some distance you might have a different perspective on what should or can be done.

Easier said than done.. I struggle with my own desires to pack up and move away.. but don't feel I can.

I've shared it before on this forum, but what my bff said to me when my s***storm started keeps running through my mind... "youve tried for XX years to shake some sense into him/her, its obviously not working, pick a different tactic."
  Top
Posted: March 12, 2020, 11:08 AM


Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016



Your situation is a hard one. I was there three years ago and found no good answers. My son is near 40 and used meth / other drugs (no heroin) since early teens. We tried to help him every way we could for years at great monetary and emotional cost to everyone in the family. Finally retirement time! Supposed to be a happy time and a time for us. It also meant no more extra money to help our son. We had also reached a breaking point and just couldn’t take it anymore so something had to change. Our health was suffering. I had great difficulty letting go. He seemed unable to take care of himself. I had to change my phone number and we moved. Limited contact now for three years and he has been homeless. We took away the only thing keeping him afloat ... us. It has been very very hard. He recently reconnected and seems to be trying to turn things around but it is a high mountain to climb out of the hole he’s in. I am cautiously optimistic but also am wary that what he is telling me is just a hook and he is trying to reel me in again. Started asking for a little something but his requests are growing. He is being nice now because he wants help but I am saying no and standing firm. He can not live with us. Been there and done that and it never worked. I am afraid he will increase the pressure and start stressing me out again. It took 2 years away from him for me to begin feeling normal again. I truly believe I had PTSD. We should all be allowed to make decisions that make us happy and not be tied to that rock around their necks. We should be able to enjoy our old age in peace. I am not sure how to accomplish that without a heavy dose of guilt and regret.

--------------------
BUGS
  Top
Posted: March 12, 2020, 11:19 AM


Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016



I too feel like I must have done something wrong but our other children somehow turn out ok so what’s the difference between them. Mental illness? A predisposition for addiction? There will never be an explanation I’m afraid. We feel such a loss and grief. It also seems our other children can often see things more objectively than we can when it comes to our problem child. Sometimes we must listen to the voice of reason. I had to learn to focus on my successes instead of my failures as a parent but I am still working on that. It is just easier to blame ourselves.

--------------------
BUGS
  Top
Posted: March 12, 2020, 1:32 PM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



I have a daughter and a son. My daughter has been moody and contentious and now I find out has always felt unloved. Our focus when my children were small was keep K in line and dealing with her issues (from skipping school to getting upset about a remarriage to underage drinking). My son was more stable (he had his moments in high school)..

Now my son is gainfully employed as an Engineer in Denver, been in a relationship with same woman for 5 years, talks about his 401k, and is thinking of buying a house. He is considerate and really a strong sounding board for me as I maneuver everything going on here.

The fact that my daughter believes her base issue is she was never loved has really stuck with me. And I am thinking that may be because she was unable or unwilling to let herself feel loved. I have worked through enough of my guilt to know that while not perfect, I expressed love to my children and my decisions were in their best interests.

So much is dependent on how a child is hardwired.. their auto pilot actions and disposition and perspective. That why, IMO, you can have the same family but vastly different outcomes when it comes to the children being raised in that family.
  Top
Posted: March 12, 2020, 4:11 PM


Posts: 158
Joined: November 10, 2019



I think they are many reasons one develops an addiction. Plus the predisposition of genetics if there is a history of addiction in the family. Trauma (childhood & adult). I too have a daughter who is highly successful and launched smoothly into adulthood. Very hard working and responsible. Her personality is pretty strong always been driven and competative. Not a real warm and fuzzy person and is very direct and pragmatic. Has NO empathy for her sister NONE which I find disturbing...

My daughter who has the addiction is soo sweet and kind. Loves animals and children. Still talks about finishing her degree and being a teacher. Very creative, uber creative. Its so sad to me she has this horrible addiction.
  Top
Posted: March 15, 2020, 2:07 PM


Posts: 8
Joined: March 10, 2020



Hi everyone, thanks for your support. Just got screamed at by my son for confronting him on his addiction. He is now saying he is a functioning drug addict so I need to leave him alone. He also knows we are thinking of selling the house and saying his stress of not knowing where he is going to live is causing him to use. I feel like I'm being manipulated, but am feeling guilty about his stress. He says he is using other drugs so he can stay away from meth and I just dont understand his method of getting off drugs. I hate this situation. I'm being a coward and waiting to see what the court says. I know this is going to get ugly again. Sorry this is the only place I can go to vent. I know I am a coward to not kick him out, I'm trying to shelter my husband because he really cant handle it. Thanks
  Top
Posted: March 15, 2020, 3:03 PM


Posts: 158
Joined: November 10, 2019



Long...Its called emotional blackmail and he knows how to use it...and he is. People with addictions are highly resourceful people and they can direct that energy positively if they choose to. He wants his cake and eat it too. Life doesn't work that way. And on top of that, he EXPECTS you to accommodate him. Don't. You deserve your life, it's YOUR life NOT his life. He needs to grow up and cut the apron strings and what you decide to do with YOUR life is none of his business! The more direct and to the point you can be with him the better. You don't have to be mean just very matter of fact then stop talking....there is no negotiating with him. It is what it is....it's up to him how he chooses to live his life and how he 'copes'. Big boy pants!!!
  Top
Posted: March 15, 2020, 5:42 PM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



You feel like you are being manipulated because you are being manipulated.
  top of page  Top