Reposted - Codependency
Posted: February 25, 2020, 9:57 PM

Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016

Here is another old post...

What Is Codependency

Boundaries are personal human property lines.
Every human is a Stand Alone Model .
Certain conditioning through guilt can wrongly convince us that we are not.

A rough cut description of codependency is the mistaken thought that you are somehow responsible for the thoughts, actions and outcomes of other people. The problem occurs when the responsibilities of other people become your responsibilities and another person's outcomes, that are generally only negative outcomes also become your responsibility.

Codependency features blurred lines of boundary between what is me and what is you. Codependent people live half lives as they cater and take care of other people's responsibilities and feelings. The aggressor places responsibility for their feelings and actions on others. For Example; "Don't make me hit you!", or "I got drunk because you made me mad!" or "I did this because you did that." In all cases the aggressor wants you to feel that their actions are not their responsibility and that you could have controlled the situation which is utter nonsense!

God put us all on this planet to experience growth. Codependency does not allow for growth. It only allows for ritualistic behavior that supports a jerk and undermines the ability of another person to be themselves taking care of themselves and growing. In a codependent relationship there is only room for one person and that person demands support from others and also comfort in the form of a handy alibi for any negative life outcome. In order to get this support they lay guilt and shame on others. If that doesn't work they will often scare or physically abuse someone to get the effect they desire. They are indeed sick. But putting up with it means that we have problems too.

Every person on earth {unless mentally challenged} is born with the same behavioral responsibilities. Each person is to assume their own responsibilities unless they are a ward of the state or underage. You cannot assume the mental well-being of another person and assume your responsibility as well. In other words, everyone handles their own territory of mental health and function. One life to live is enough for any adult.

How I feel is my responsibility. How you feel is your responsibility . If you often feel engaged, it is because you live life with vitality. And no one on God's green earth is responsible for either set of feelings except the person who has those feelings. No one can change those feelings for you either. Feelings come from choices that are extremely personal. Feelings come from choices of habits and actions that reinforce those choices over and over again. Can we change the behavior of others toward us?

YES! Growth should be the goal of all humans albeit the aggressor won't want any part of change. These people thrive on familiar comfort so we rock their boat with consequences. First we lay ground rules. You will not say certain things to me. You will not be critical of me. You will not mentally abuse me because if you do, I will no longer deal with you.

Consequences? There's a ton of them. You will do your own cooking, dishes/ laundry/ cleaning, sheets/towels/pillow cases/ errands/ bill paying/ phone answering and follow up/ oil changes/ car maintenance / grocery shopping/ appointment making/ eat alone/ sleep alone/ I won't make love to someone who obviously has a problem with me/ I won't socialize with someone who humiliates me, etc. Expand on the list!

Relationships are built on trust, empathy and compromise. If the aggressor will not at some reasonable point agree to effect a change in order to help the relationship grow and mature then that relationship is simply not worth saving. If the relationship is not that important to one, then it cannot be important at all. Simple stuff. Relationships cannot be based on your pain and one person's comfort.

If you go into a panic from just being alone you are codependent. If you don't enjoy your own company you are codependent. If you often cannot make decisions you are codependent. If you feel that if XYZ would just change and life would be better you are codependent.

Happiness is created from within, not from exterior sources. Happiness is a personal decision that you make. Happiness cannot be bought, sold, bartered, or borrowed. It is not a commodity. It is a feeling brought on by a personal decision.

If you are unhappy put the blame on the person in the mirror. You have some decisions to make for you.

We will only get from others what we allow others to give to u

Posted: February 25, 2020, 10:10 PM

Posts: 148
Joined: November 10, 2019

Awesome! Thank you for posting this bugs
Posted: February 25, 2020, 11:25 PM

Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016

Someone shared this with me the other day but I can’t give credit to the original author.

“You Are Not Required To Set Yourself On Fire To Keep Other People Warm”

It seemed to be appropriate...

Posted: February 29, 2020, 1:45 AM

Posts: 56
Joined: March 20, 2018

Thank you for posting this, probably just what I needed to read.

I read all the parenting books, we played together, they played with friends. I was there for them before and after school, they played hockey and soccer, we went on holidays. I thought I was doing it right.
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