My Daughter Is Out Of Control
Posted: February 11, 2020, 6:30 PM


Posts: 10
Joined: March 6, 2018



My daughter is hooked on spice extremely bad. She cant go a day without getting high. She was staying at my parents house, her grandparents, and my mother kicked her out yesterday because she just wouldn't stop. She was falling asleep outside on the porch. Falling down everywhere. She also abuses her prescription medications. She takes Seraquel and Trazodone. She got 28 of each filled on the 31st of January and yesterday had 2 of each left. She would go into such a deep sleep that she would have accidents in the bed almost every night. She also takes Suboxone, she gets 60 of them a month but trades most of them for drugs. I've also known her to do meth and crack. I'm a total mess. I'm completely beside myself as to what to do with her. She's ODed 13 times, been on life support twice. She has grand mal seizures sometimes when she does spice. Shes been in about 6 rehabs. I've involuntary put her in rehab once. But she gets out and does the same thing. I was told I should put her in again, but I dont know if it will do any good. She so far from ready to stop. She's been homeless before. Now she's out there on the streets again. She was living in a beautiful house, tons of food to eat, etc....but she couldn't follow my parents #1 rule.... dont do drugs! But she kept doing them. At Christmas lunch she was so high that she kept dropping food all over herself. What am I supposed to do? Someone....Anyone....Please help me know what to do. I feel so lost and so helpless and absolutely terrified.
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Posted: February 11, 2020, 10:07 PM


Posts: 147
Joined: November 10, 2019



Terrified momma so sorry to hear about your daughter. I completely understand why you are terrified. She's very addicted and to more than one drug. She's also fearless which makes it even more scary. How old is your daughter? My daughter too is homeless and an IV heroin user, she is very addicted too. My daughter will be 27 in March. For you daughter, as far as helping her, Im thinking an intervention. If you have the means and support to do one. She is so so lost it sounds like she needs a shake up and an intervention may be an idea. Its good you have reached out for support.
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Posted: February 12, 2020, 9:21 AM


Posts: 363
Joined: November 16, 2017



Wow! Spice is so bad and so are a few of the other drugs you mentioned. She is really bad off!

The only thing that stopped my son from using spice was jail. After that, he never touched it again. It took him a couple of weeks to even be remotely normal from the spice. I would say it took almost a year for some of the side effects.

Reading your post, there is nothing you can do. And, that is hard to hear. She is really out of control. Please take care of yourself. I was in your shoes a couple of years ago. It can be all-consuming. Keep posting, please check out AlAnon and other support groups. I found a good one for those who love people with mental health issues.

Seriously, I know exactly how you feel. Our situation got better, but I am not even sure why. I did do the tough love thing which helped. But, even then, he kept pushing and pushing. Wishing you peace today.
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Posted: February 12, 2020, 11:30 AM


Posts: 10
Joined: March 6, 2018



I've thought about doing an intervention, but I dont know where to start. I dont think she would even agree to go because she is in such denial that she has a problem. She would rather be homeless. I'm going to talk to the rest of the family and see what they think about it.

Yes, she's out there. She's 33 years old. Way out there and I dont know if she's reachable. She's lost everything. Her kids, her car, her family. I havent heard from her since she's been gone. I know she's "alive" because one of her friends told me that she had heard from her. I dont know if I should try to contact her or not. I know if I do she will have nothing good to say to me. Should I try to contact her? And if so what should I say?
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Posted: February 12, 2020, 8:31 PM


Posts: 147
Joined: November 10, 2019



For me personally, I keep in contact with my daughter on a regular basis (2-3 times per week). I just let her know I'm always here for her and I will always return her call. I also call her plus we text back and forth. For me I just want her to know I'm available and I have not abandoned her. Also want her to know I love her regardless of her circumstances. She trusts me and we have a strong bond. They rest of her family has written her off. I never will.

Contact varies person to person and it's very personal. Each situation and relationship varies so much.
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Posted: February 12, 2020, 8:51 PM


Posts: 8
Joined: February 12, 2020



I suggest you never give up on her, however hard it is.

I am currently in agreement with this famous poem: -

“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.”

― Edgar Allan Poe
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Posted: February 12, 2020, 10:44 PM


Posts: 8
Joined: February 12, 2020



This father and author wrote an amazing book called "Beautiful Boy", that documented his despair, worry, anger and anxiety, whilst he helplessly watched his son spiral down into a chronic methamphetamine addiction.

However, most importantly, he NEVER GAVE UP ON HIS SON.

He said: -

"If you love someone who's an addict and their use is life-threatening, you don't wait until they hit bottom because that can mean that they're going to die. You have to do everything you can to get them in treatment".

- David Sheff
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Posted: February 12, 2020, 11:12 PM


Posts: 147
Joined: November 10, 2019



Hidden I appreciate your posts. Just to be clear, I would say all of us, to the best of our abilities, have worked endlessly helping our addicted child. I stay connected to my daughter who has been to detox, rehab, sober livings numerous times. Many, many times. I don't give up on her. She however is not taking the help which is being offered. She's an adult, smart, creative, and beautiful. She doesn't take the help and is living an addicted lifestyle and everything that goes along with it. I can't take a year off my job to 'save her' . I don't have the means. I can't put her in the hospital she'll leave like she's done so many times before. Although I'm happy for Nick and his father that it's all worked out for them. Its their story and their story is not my story, and my story is not the next parents story...
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Posted: February 13, 2020, 12:12 AM


Posts: 8
Joined: February 12, 2020



Dear TerrifiedMamaYearsLater,

I apologise if I inadvertently offended you in any way. My intention was only to highlight the possibility of hope – somewhere, somehow, in the coming days, weeks or months – to ease the immense struggle and support you have to unconditionally give. I can’t imagine how difficult, frustrating and incredibly tiring it must be for you.

Sincerely,
HL
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Posted: February 13, 2020, 8:54 AM


Posts: 10
Joined: March 6, 2018



Dear Hidden.... Just as my "screen name" says...terrified years later...I've been in this situation with her for many years. I have involuntarily put her in rehab twice and she's gone in voluntarily about 5 other times. She has ODed about 13 times and been on life support twice. I have never and will never give up on her. But she refuses to let me or anyone else help her. I have offered everything I possibly can to her and it's never enough. Honestly, she would rather be homeless than to get clean and sober and be able to live in a beautiful house, with tons of food to eat, a nice warm bed to sleep in, a shower etc etc. There is only so much I can do...she is an adult, making her own choices that I humanly possibly cannot change or control. I tried to get in touch with her a couple of times yesterday, but she didnt reply. I talked to my attorney a few days ago about getting Power of Attorney over her, but like he's told me in the past when I've talked to him about this, ... he reminded me of how many times shes already been to rehabs, only to walk out of the ones she could going straight to her dealers house to start this horrible, viscous cycle all over again. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. I've offered my home to her only to have her lie to me, manipulate me, steal from me, disrespect me and bring me down and I've offered to do whatever it took to get her the help she desperately needs. She is also Bipolar and doesn't take her medication properly. As much as I want to and as much as I've tried I cant change or save her. She has to want this. I can't force her into rehab again and again. If she wants to change, to have a clean and sober life she has to work on changing herself. I'm still considering doing an intervention on her, but if she's not ready, what good would it do? I've tried to "force" her to change before, and it didn't work. Should I try again? Any and all suggestions and/or advice are much appreciated. I love my daughter more than she will ever know, but i just can't change her when she isn't ready and willing to try to change herself. But that doesn't mean I'll Ever give up on her.

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Posted: February 14, 2020, 1:53 PM


Posts: 363
Joined: November 16, 2017



I think this is a very individual situation and depends on the substance used, any underlying mental health issues, how the child treats the parents.

If the child is abusive, you have to take care of yourself, as gutwrenching as it is to set that boundary.

My son knows I love him. In general, we cannot have a conversation due to his abusive treatment. I will never give hope but have to limit interaction. I think in some ways it would be harder to cut ties if he were sweet.

I don't think that the "hit bottom" is a good fit for all situations, but it works for some. It can develop into an unhealthy pattern to constantly try to "save" an addict. If you have other children, you have to give them focus too. For me, the answer lies somewhere in the middle. I have intervened in certain situations. However, he needs to take the brunt of the responsibility.

Again, each situation and each child is so unique that I think it is okay to have a variety of opinions.
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Posted: February 15, 2020, 10:14 AM


Posts: 277
Joined: December 23, 2018



In my situation with my adult son, we did everything we could to get him into treatment. We only cut off communication when his calls always turned to screaming, cursing, threatening rants about how WE caused his addiction & then turn to a manipulative (and fake) cry for help. We had a cousin spend 3 days calling rehabs & found one to take him. She let him stay in her home while she was helping him get help, fed him & filled his tank with gasoline. It came time for her to take him & he told her he didn't have medical insurance to cover the rehab. He used the cry for help to manipulate & soften family members who wanted to help him.

I know we could have spend every penny we had paying for rehab & unless he was ready, I might have well flushed it down the toilet.

We used to watch the show Intervention - great show, documentary style about a professional intervention & the show paid for the intervention, detox, rehab & sober living. Some people succeeded, some failed, some left & then return.... but it just depends on whether or not the addict is ready & serious. They say Relapse is part of recovery & it's not how many times one falls, it's how many times they get back up that is important.

My point is all we can do is encourage the addict to get help, we must be strong & not enable them or allow their emotional manipulation to destroy us. And hope & pray that they choose sobriety.
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Posted: February 25, 2020, 2:06 AM


Posts: 10
Joined: March 6, 2018



My daughter showed up on my doorstep a few nights ago about 2:15am. It was cold and she had been on the streets. I just didnt have it in me to turn her away, but I told her she had to get up 1st thing and find somewhere else to go. She couldn't find anywhere so mom to the rescue again, in order to get her out i put her in a hotel for one night. What am I supposed to do in situations like that? I'm always thinking I will have the answers, but I dont. I dont think I will ever have the answers. She's so hooked on spice that she cant stop it on her own. I've begged, pleaded and cried to her to let me help her get help to stop. She won't. All it will take is one, just one bad batch of that mess and it will kill her. She's playing Russian Roulette with this stuff. I've tried to get her to realize just how dangerous this is, and I just dont know....she wont quite. She's lost both her children and I don't know how many cars because of getting in wrecks while smoking. She's had seizures while driving and almost went off a bridge. What is going to wake her up? Nothing has so far...Nothing.
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Posted: February 25, 2020, 12:33 PM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



I am so sorry. It is overwhelming when your child is making bad, life threatening, decisions, let alone an adult child.

Tough love is tough on both the giver and receiver. But I'm convinced the only way to make someone want to change is to hold their nose in the consequences of their choices.

I feel for you, and am sooo sorry you are going through this.
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Posted: February 25, 2020, 2:30 PM


Posts: 10
Joined: March 6, 2018



It is so very overwhelming....sometimes I cant even breath. I've been to the point of always having a suit of cloths a pair of shoes and my purse ready to go incase I ever have to get up and go....wherever....in the middle of the night. Such a horrible and sad way to have to live my life. If they only had the tiniest idea of how much what they do effects us and the rest of the family. I remember watching my daughter go into grand mal seizures into an OD...numerous times. It's heartbreaking, gutwrenching and the most hopeless feeling I have ever felt. Not to mention the two times she was hooked to machines to make her breath. Watching her hallucinate is horrible. She was soooooo wacked out on this crap one time she called me at 6:15 am crying and terrified telling me she just watched someone murder someone else to please come get her. Then there would be a silence...I would try to say something and she would tell me...Mom, be quiet they can hear us. Of course when I got to where she was, none of this was true or real. It was SPICE! I just dont understand. What am I supposed to do? Just let her keep going down this evil dark road to hell? I'm so lost. I miss my daughter, the daughter that I know she can be....or have I lost her completely? She is beyond out of control, spiraling downward faster and faster. She can be so very ugly, mean and just downright disrespectful towards me. She calls me names and GOD FORBID I dont do something that she "expects" me to do. She has even told me that she wishes I was dead. That I'm a worthless excuse for a mother. I dont know where all this rage comes from. She was not raised to be that way. She treats her drug buddies better than she treats me. Oh I'm just beside myself....does anyone have any advice on what I should do? Thank you so very much for listening.
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Posted: February 25, 2020, 3:39 PM


Posts: 363
Joined: November 16, 2017



Hi TMama,

I went through exactly what you went through. Spice is the nastiest. When my son was on spice...

He was about 17, I was driving home from a doctor appointment. He was convinced that I was on meth and that my face was melting. He told me all this while I was driving 55 and he tried to grab the steering wheel to "help me". I had to pull over and call his Dad. While I was calling he emptied a pepper spray he found in the glove box (all over himself).

He screamed at us, broke into the house, and would tell me he wanted to see me drown in moss in a lake ( among other lovely thoughts he shared).

I woke up one night to him hovering over me with a light in my eyes because he wanted "to check my eyes".

SPICE IS PURE EVIL.

I'd like to tell you it gets better....

He is no longer using spice but will still have tantrums (and he is not a kid anymore). I don't understand why this has to happen (I guess there is no why).

I recently set more boundaries and he blew up! I find myself asking myself what am I supposed to do? I am so tired of all this. So, I don't have any words of wisdom as I am somewhat beside myself at the moment. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.
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Posted: February 25, 2020, 8:46 PM


Posts: 147
Joined: November 10, 2019



TM I don't have any answers either. Its such a painful position to be in. For me personally, I have given my daughter resource options over and over again and she chooses not to take advantage of any of them. She's living in a very unsafe environment with very shady people in a horrible neighborhood. She has no car or money and is totally dependent on these people. It makes me sick thinking about it. She has some options which are pretty good. She'd be safe and around good people who want to help. They are Christian based programs and she "doesn't like that". She's picky yet she's living with rats...figuratively and literally. My Gosh what drugs do to people I thought I knew how bad it can be however it gets worse and worse.

I accept there is nothing I can do. I keep in touch with her on a regular basis and am always available for her calls. I've made it very clear to her she can not live with me. I tell her I'm not qualified to help her and she needs professional help. I keep encouraging her to take the help she needs. I hate addiction.

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Posted: February 25, 2020, 10:08 PM


Posts: 68
Joined: June 14, 2012



Cut her off. Stop enabling her. She knows that you are there to prop her up. DO NOT.
Enough is enough - she is gown up a** woman (pardon my language). Turn around and see your own LIFE.

this is the best you can do.
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Posted: February 26, 2020, 1:09 AM


Posts: 1661
Joined: June 27, 2016



The only thing I can think of is to stop by the local police department and hospital. Briefly explain and ask what can you do. They may not have a direct answer but might refer you to someone, something else. They will ask if she is talking about hurting herself. If so, and if you can get her to say it, you might be able to bring her to hospital where she would go into psyc floor. Not optimal since they usually give more meds, but it might be the route to her getting to rehab.

It kind of went this way with my son a year ago, (not on spice) . Was not the best outcome, but helped to put on the breaks. If she does go into hospital they will want to release her after a few days. You will need to say she can not come home. Therefore she is homeless and they might be able to talk her into rehab.

I just remembered you might have been thru that route before.
Reach out to local organizations. Someone might have a new idea.
Drop her off at the hospital or shelter?

I know it escalates quickly. I too packed a bag and did leave my home temporarily in order to break the enabling cycle.

If she calls you bc she is in danger, do not go out on your own. Call the police to meet her.


This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 26, 2020, 1:12 AM
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Posted: February 26, 2020, 4:11 AM


Posts: 147
Joined: November 10, 2019



I keep reflecting back to the father and the family dog who went homeless along with the daughter after they saw her on TV in the streets. The father appeared totally devoted however the dog, looked totally perplexed..like, why are we here for what?!?! This person doesn't want help....animals have great instincts.
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