Stuck Between Two
Posted: February 11, 2020, 10:17 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: February 11, 2020

I have been married to my husband for almost 30 yrs (since 17rs old). He's been an addict of crack-cocaine and drinking the whole time. We are raising his nephew who just turned 18 & is a senior in High School. He's a good kid but hates this cycle. Recently, husband went to rehab and came out and for 4 months was doing great. Allowed an old friend to lead him wrong and he relapsed. In typical fashion, he wants to start over again and complains about how we weren't encouraging him about how great he was doing. My son has had it. He is trying to live around my husband but wants no part of the chaos. My husband finally cornered him and asked what the problem was? "what don't you respect me?" to what he answered, No I don't ". From there it's gone down hill. Now I am in the middle. My husband keeps telling me what I should have said or what I should do and how I should be treating my son. He then had a breakdown where he ended up crying and yelling in the bathroom about how hurt he was and I was trying to omit some things my son was saying to keep the peace but he found out. So it's my fault now for lying to him and not showing a united front to our son that he can't be treating my husband this way. What do I do? I totally understand where he's coming from. My husband is pressuring me to get more aggressive with our son and not allow this behavior from him. My son has seen me go through so much he just doesn't want to deal anymore. But we are both tired of this cycle.
Posted: February 11, 2020, 11:04 AM

Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018

Addicts manipulate, it's never their fault. He was not lead astray,he went willingly.
I hope you can get your self some help ,therapy or a NA meeting.
You did not cause this,you cant control, and you can't cure it.
Posted: February 11, 2020, 6:08 PM

Posts: 327
Joined: December 23, 2018

I'm sorry you are here but you are in good company - we will all listen to you & encourage you. You & your son need to find a safe place WITHOUT your husband. You need to either get a restraining order to get him out ESPECIALLY since he is (1) on drugs again, (2) unpredictable (3) unstable, (4) threatening you & your son. You are NOT the cause of this & you can't fix it - no matter how hard you try or the support give (or try to give). When addicts feel cornered, they will blame you, manipulate you, curse you, cry to you. They will threaten you, humiliate you & then fall on their knees to promise you they are trying to get help OR they "know" what they need to do but things are SO hard OR they only messed up one time & YOU won't give them a break.

They ALWAYS blame everyone else - NOTHING is there fault. Next time he gets aggressive, call 911. Do not let him threaten you or your son. No one should have to live like this, even IF you have been with him for years. It is never too late to start fresh - he's not willing to do & until he gets help & continues treatment AFTER rehab (meetings, sponsor, etc.) and you and your son attend meetings for family members, there will not be any healing or recovery. He will continue in the same cycle & dragging you & your son with him. Only HE can decide to get help & don't believe a word he says until he completes rehab again. Maybe even insist on regular drug tests afterward.

It is a rough road but please read some of the other spouses' & parents' posts - you will see a pattern & you will know you aren't as alone as you feel
Posted: February 11, 2020, 8:54 PM

Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019

Your son is the sharpest tool in the shed. He sees reality as it is and is responding appropriately. Everyone else is compensating for the person with the addiction. Id say right in front of your husband "Son I understand why you feel the way you do about your father, it's very hard living with someone with an addiction" . Your son is validated and your husband is hearing the truth. If he goes off and cries or tells you you should do this or that don't give him any response. Your husband needs to quit triangulating everyone and take responsibility for his addiction and behaviors.

Posted: February 12, 2020, 9:17 AM

Posts: 368
Joined: November 16, 2017


I can't say more than what has been said. I agree with all the comments above. I just wanted to welcome you and I hope you keep posting. You are in a very stressful situation and you need support.
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