When To Cut Off
Posted: February 5, 2020, 1:00 AM

Posts: 3
Joined: February 4, 2020

My ex boyfriend is currently homeless and using crack frequently, also depression, anxiety and ptsd. I was with him for 2 years and knew him as a casual coke user to progressively full addiction and pipe smoker. he was in treatment before and will start ome next month (waiting for room to open up) We have continued a pretty solid friendship. His phone is broken and he's in another city away from me so we dont see each other- and he made big plans and promises to fix his phone on the 31st with social assistance money. Im the only person out of friends or family who he has contact with. A month ago he stopped calling from the shelter, two weeks no contact. Then he started calling again for the next two weeks. I was worried that he was only calling when he had no money to use so he was forced clean. hes also been on and off taking naltrexone for cravings. So - He got his government money on the 31st and called on the 1st sounding off and then last night (3 days no contact) he admitted to using in those days. but my question is, am i enabling by being there to answer his calls? ive never ignored his calls and albeit sometimes get mad at him on the phone or am there to be supportive for him or listen to him vent.. iM conflicted about how to support him/support myself, or wondering if i should cut him off? I feel like i wouldnt be able to ignore him for even my conscience but sometimes when we talk i feel so empty after, like more grief, although the anxiety of not talking is also too much. drugs suck.
Posted: February 5, 2020, 5:57 AM

Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019

Everyone needs someone to talk to. Life can be pretty lonely especially when people start writing you off. He's lost many people in his life and he calls you when he's able. Its emotionally difficult for you I'm sure to be in contact and listen and watch what his drug addiction has done to his life. For me personally, as hard as it is, I choose to stay in contact with my daughter. She is homeless and an IV heroin user. I just want her to know I haven't deserted her and I love and care about her. I love her, I hate her addiction.
Posted: February 5, 2020, 10:23 AM

Posts: 326
Joined: December 23, 2018

In my opinion, I do not think listening or talking with someone is enabling. If it were me, I'd end all conversations with a reminder that you love him & encourage him to seek help & get clean. Remind him what a great person he is when he's sober but make sure you don't make him think that IF he gets clean, you'll get together again. He needs to get clean for himself & not for the idealization of getting together with you.

Good luck, it is a very rough road.
Posted: February 5, 2020, 7:42 PM

Posts: 1745
Joined: June 27, 2016

sweet - it is not enabling to talk and give emotional support, guidance. It is enabling if you are sending him money or paying his bills. try to make helpful suggestions or call him out when he is irrational. try not to let him believe he is a victim and society is at fault. It is good that he is too far away. keep the distance and don't agree to anything you don't agree with.

It is very hard to tell what they are doing. even when my son was living at home he would talk about quiting, we could not tell if he was high, coming down, withdrawal, if he was using a little it was impossible to tell.

my son has been living in a shelter since November. He is doing OK considering the obstacles. He has a new part time job at a recovery center. He talked to me on the day he got a first paycheck, excited, planning to pay a phone bill... then I didn't hear from him for several days... then he called again and emailed me (which he never does)…. he still sounded OK. I worry if he sounds too excited, worry if he sounds sad... he didn't ask me for anything this time. I just hope his cash can hold out till next paycheck.... I don't want to be the money, middle man... his situation sounds pretty awful and I know he does not tell me everything, and I don't want to know... I do give him a lot of credit for not giving up. but it will still be a long way to go before he is independently taking care of himself.

we just don't know and can only hope and pray for the best.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 6, 2020, 12:07 AM
Posted: February 8, 2020, 12:31 AM

Posts: 368
Joined: November 16, 2017

As long as it is not negatively affecting you or holding you back from pursuing other relationships, I think it is okay. And, you have a realistic picture of what is going on (not manipulated). Which it sounds like you do have a realistic picture.

Addiction does really suck. It is hard to watch people destroy themselves.
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