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Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020
Posted: January 19, 2020, 11:34 AM
K's ex now has a PI following her.
He's building a custody case against her. For those who have been through custody battles like this.. if a person loses custody of their child can they get her back.. and what are the grandparents' rights. If the SO get custody I'm sure his parents will have her most of the time. Will I have lost my access to B unless he and his parents agree for me to see her?'' | ||
Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: January 19, 2020, 12:02 PM
I know in CA grandparents do not have rights. That was my greatest fear because my son's ex was pure evil & a horrific mother. The children were in true danger while in her custody & my son got full custody when the kids were 4 & 2.
Did your daughter tell you this? If so, use it as a tool to get her help. He can present all evidence he has against her in Family Court & it will be up to her to prove it wrong. However if she goes to AA meetings, works toward sobriety & HOLDS OFF GETTING MARRIED until after a custody hearing these are all things the Judge will consider to keep custody the same. Judges do not like to change custody arrangements but will do so in the best interest of the children. If she has a job, a safe place for the children & is working towards sobriety that will all play in her favor. However if she is dating/living with/married to a person who 1. has a criminal record (especially domestic violence, assaults, drugs, alcohol, etc.) or has active criminal cases herself or a provable history of drug/alcohol/joblessness/arrests that would go against her. The court will probably send the case to a mediator to access & make a recommendation to the court. Family Court is ugly, changing custody is ugly - if you can you could hire an attorney to present the court with your ability to care for the baby however if the ex proves she is unfit the fact that she is living with you will prevent the Judge from giving you custody. On the other hand, if the Judge removes custody from her & ex has custody, she will have visitation & you can offer to have visits at your home to "supervise". They are in a safe place & the ex has already said you have been straight with him. | ||
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Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020
Posted: January 19, 2020, 2:28 PM
The ex drinks and texts me. He sent me 2 texts at 3 am last night with pics and video of K passed out in a car in my driveway. He claims it is from his PI, but I looked a little closer and it was taken by him (I can see his reflection in the car window).
K is not talking to me about anything of importance, and I've gone to a friend's house today to just get away for a bit. I hear you that she needs to start now cleaning up her act.. however she is not going to listen to me. I plan to hit another Al-Anon meeting today or tomorrow. And will be home later tonight when B comes back. | ||
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Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020
Posted: January 20, 2020, 8:34 PM
Things were calm today. B has been with her other grandmother since Saturday (when she was supposed to be with her dad). He followed K to a restaurant after K dropped off B with him, and confronted K and a man she was having dinner with telling the other man that K lies and sleeps around and is a slut. This was in front of other patrons, and in front of B. He must have realized he was out of control because he then took B over to his mother's house and she has been watching her ever since. (She's very dedicated to B and just as overwhelmed at all this as I am).
There is a a court date for the restraining order Jan 31. Court would not issue a temporary RO because his behavior did not seem sufficiently threatening. WTF!! K told me yesterday afternoon on the phone that she's planning on going to AA, but then last night when she ubered home, I could tell she had been drinking.. so we have not hit rock bottom yet. Her excuses are that she has a lot going on, which I don't accept as a valid excuse. She did call mid morning and apologize for all the drama that has been foisted on me... but I think she was mostly referring to the drama he is introducing. <<< sarcastic smile >>> | ||
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Posted: January 20, 2020, 10:15 PM
Jupiter, my heart goes out to you. I can’t even imagine the kind of roller coaster ride you’ve had to endure. Thank god, B has you and another caring grand parent that is concerned. I sure do hope you get some peace tonight and that your daughter chooses to get herself to A.A. soon. In the mean time, take care of yourself. Sending prayers!
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Posted: January 23, 2020, 12:23 PM
Hopefully the ex actually wants to be a parent. Sounds like the ex has some resources as well. I think grandparentS would make better parents than just one biological parent but that's the law in many states.
If she knows she's being followed or being investigated ie friends, acquaintances or employers being interviewed she's got to be on her best. But the damage may have already been done. PIs and lawyers will go to documented information first ie court records, credit and driving history etc. I understand the use of pi's or lawyers though. Which is why she might want to consult one. If nothing else if it does turn all legal she can respond quickly. Again hopefully this about parenting and not somekind of revenge. Peace. | ||
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Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020
Posted: January 23, 2020, 3:32 PM
Thanks all.
The court date (in family court) is Jan 31st. I will be there. This is to rule on setting a restraining order against the ex. K does not seem to be able to think beyond her own perspective. Last night (after B fell asleep) she had a "friend" show up at my house (B was here) and they sat in den talking. After he left I told her that I did not want any male friends (no matter how platonic) coming to my house until this was all settled. She said that he was not someone she was interested in dating.. but I told her that did not matter.. I do not want it getting back to the ex that I was somehow sanctioning her meeting male friends.. especially when she has B with her. It did not dawn on her that ex might assume she has intentions other than what she has. I think this is a lack of consequential thinking. and probably stems from self-medicating w/alcohol rather than coping sober and thinking things through. The pact that they don't drink when they have B has been thrown out. I'll be interested in hearing in court what she claims and he claims is the situation. It may clear up some things in my mind, and validate some of my suspicions on lies I'm being told. | ||
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Posted: January 23, 2020, 10:11 PM
What never ceases to amaze me is that in that Alcoholic/Addict cannot seem to see beyond their own experience and what they want. The lack of empathy or understanding that their choices actually impact other people and the way they manipulate situations and people, push boundaries and hurt the people who love them the most is disheartening. I’m so sorry Jupiter.
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Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020
Posted: January 26, 2020, 10:53 PM
I don't know which I'm feeling more of: angry or foolish.
Tonight K started talking about moving into the townhouse.. it's in a great location, just 100 feet from a greenway which she says is going to help her start building healthier habits. So I went to bed early.. B is in bed. She calls up her friend (the guy who came over to talk the other night and when he left I told her she was not to have any male in this house until all this blows over)... and he comes over yet again. I knew because I heard my dog bark, and she barks that way when there's a unknown man around. I called K from upstairs and told her I said I did not want this guy at my house.. I had explained that I don't want to be drawn into the drama that would unfold shoudl the ex drive by and recognize the car in the driveway.. "oh mom, that's ridiculous he's not going to drive by and all I'm doing is talking on the couch with him.. blah blah blah" So I said she could tell him to leave, or I would come down and tell him to leave. And if she felt she needed to leave with him, B was asleep here with me. As I was going downstairs, they left and drove off. So score 1 for sanity. My bff said something to me the other day that has really sunk in. she said "You've been trying to shake some sense into this girl for 15 years, and whatever you are doing is not working.. so you really need a different tactic." I have to assume everything K says is a lie, every rule is to be broken, and any flicker of consequential thinking on her part is just a game she's playing to soften me up. | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: January 27, 2020, 1:21 AM
Jupiter You are 100% spot on! Nice work!
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Posted: January 27, 2020, 3:28 AM
You recognize all of the patterns and you’re maintaining your boundaries- that is huge. Very commendable. Sending prayers.
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Posted: January 29, 2020, 11:40 PM
Great work keeping a boundary.
I experience the same disrespect for anything I say, always with a "reason". I had to draw the line. It really is shocking how an adult can completely ignore a simple, basic, reasonable request. Really selfish, self-centered thinking. | ||
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Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020
Posted: January 31, 2020, 11:09 PM
We had the court date today. Ex had retained a lawyer just yesterday so there was a continuance until Feb 10th. K is being defended by a a lawyer from a local domestic violence group.
The case is for a restraining order (nothing related to child custody). K has witnesses from her office as well as the video I took when the Ex was tossing things into my front yard. I think the thing that really irritates me (and I may have shared this already) is that the narrative she is sharing is that Ex is nuts and she's a victim of domestic abuse, which is why her life is spinning out of control and she's drinking so much and acting irresponsibly. Which is not dealing with the root causes and base issues. She's signed up for a domestic abuse support group, but I've heard nothing else about AA.. and she is drinking pretty much every night... either here or out somewhere. | ||
Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019
Posted: February 1, 2020, 10:54 AM
Hi Juniper. Just now catching up on all the posts. I'm sorry your daughter's addiction is affecting your life so much. She seems to be a full time job and she's not taking any responsibly. Plus, she appears entitled by the way she ignores your requests for your home. She has so much drama going on in so many ways and you are enmeshed in it all. B is fortunate to have you in her life. As far as your daughter goes, she needs some humble pie. Does she have a job? Who is supporting her?
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Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020
Posted: February 1, 2020, 8:02 PM
Thanks Sallyana, yes she does have a job and has held this job for nearly a year now. She's also in school, going to finish up her bachelor's in Dec 2020. So in that way she's making forward progress.
Right now we're in limbo as I finalize the townhouse. I have a contract which we will sign and have notarized. I have it written in that if she falls behind 3 months' rent, she will be evicted and seek housing somewhere else. We'll go over the contract point by point before signing. The date the contract has her moving in full time is March 1st. We have some issues with the appliances and finalizing the flooring. I think she and her ex were drinking pretty heavily when they were together.. even after B was born. So, she's just continuing the behavior she adopted, honestly, in her mid-teens. I have little sympathy for her.. and am not buying into the position that she is simply reacting to her ex. I learned years ago that I get partial stories from her and when I go to defend her like a Tiger mom.. I often find out "the rest of the story" from the other person. | ||
Posts: 9
Joined: August 13, 2018
Posted: February 1, 2020, 8:59 PM
I don't know your whole story but suggest you see a lawyer and try and at least get visitation/partial custody, especially if they both have a history of drinking. At least make yourself known in the mix if you can. I actually called Children and youth on my daughter in the beginning. The ex was in jail and she was on probation so I had her file for joint custody with me in case she ended up in Jail also. Turned out she ended up in jail too by the time the court date came and that is how I got custody. The judge just gave it to me with no questions. In my state, grandparents can get rights if there is drug/alcohol abuse, etc. and also if the child has resided with you for 12 mos., which is the case with my younger grandchild. We filed this week for visitation. Sending hugs and urging you to at least talk to someone without assuming anything.
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