Behavior During Everyday Interaction
Posted: January 14, 2020, 9:29 AM


Posts: 44
Joined: January 12, 2020



I'm wondeirng.. how do you interact with your addict on a regular day basis? For example, if he/she drops by the house for something, how do you greet them? Do you try to engage them in conversation?

I find myself sullen when my daughter is around, because I don't feel able to put on a good face. Even when things were calmer in the past, I'm on egg shells with her and usually thinking in the back of my mind of the latest poor decision she made.

There's no talking about, no resolving the last altercation.. it just hangs there.



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Posted: January 14, 2020, 5:49 PM


Posts: 246
Joined: December 23, 2018



Here is my 2 cents worth - if she is treating you badly, cursing, stealing, manipulating you in any way you do not need to put up with that. You cannot force or coerce her to change her life, only she can do that. If she is just coming to see you, asking nothing in return (money, borrow car, a ride, etc) then be polite. But you should have a chat & let her know that there is nothing more you can for her but if she chooses to go to rehab, you will give her a ride or support her decision but you will not give her anymore ________ (fill in the blank) until she makes a decision to get healthy.

Now that said, that is EXTREMELY hard for a parent to do!!! And don't fall for the line that they want rehab but they need gas or $XXXX to pay for it..... They will manipulate you & lie to you that they are ready to go but..... _____ (fill in the blank)
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Posted: January 14, 2020, 5:50 PM


Posts: 246
Joined: December 23, 2018



And good luck Jupiter.... sorry you are here, but this is a great place to vent & get advice!!
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Posted: January 15, 2020, 10:22 PM


Posts: 51
Joined: December 17, 2019



What a great question. I’m noticing that the more I show up for myself and continue to attend al-Anon meetings I’m finding myself less and less reactive and wanting to interact with my A fiancé. And I know he can tell. It’s interesting the more I detach the more he clings and to be honest, I’m getting tired of being around him and can’t wait to be able to remove myself from this. He said to me the other day that we should seek counseling for our inability to communicate. He brought that up while he had been drinking and doesn’t realize that he is the one who can’t communicate or doesn’t feel comfortable enough to. I say that because he doesn’t want to communicate when he’s sober and when he is drinking he wants to unleash all of his emotions on me and over share and I find I have very little patience for it. I try to engage just to pacify him and not create conflict but it’s quite annoying. So I don’t blame you for not wanting to engage Jupiter. It’s really hard when the addict has put you through so much. It’s hard not to be irritable, short or completely checked out. I’d say honor how you feel, continue to set healthy boundaries for yourself and take care of your needs first as best you can. Your daughter may not like it but that’s only because she can’t get her way. Sending love to you.
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Posted: January 16, 2020, 1:03 AM


Posts: 44
Joined: January 12, 2020



Its really an awful game you start playing.. one that is hard to see when you're in the middle of it.

My ex (K's father) was often pre-occupied with the businesses he was trying to start. And was under constant stress, which was why he drank (or so he claimed). There was little family time, and the business became like a 3rd child in our marriage. For several years I was really frustrated that he never had time to go out and do stuff w/me and the kids, and a lot of our arguments were my telling him to come out and be a family and his telling me he didn't have time he needed to think about the business (which also included drinking so he could better think about the business).

Near the end, I was disengaging and decided that I would start doing what I wanted with the kids and if he wanted to join in he could, but I was done begging him to be part of what we had going on. I didn't tell him I was doing this, I just stopped asking him. After no more than a month of this, he came up to me as we were heading out to do our next thing, and said something like "where are you guys going, how come you don't ask me to come along?" And I said "Well you are always welcome, but I know youre really busy thinking, so if you want to join us that would be great, but if you cant or dont.. that's okay too"

The change did not save our marriage (this was near the end).. but it was really interesting to me that you change the dynamic from your end, you can change the whole dance.

And, its good to recognize that its an auto-pilot routine of interaction you've gotton yourself into.
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Posted: January 16, 2020, 11:08 AM


Posts: 51
Joined: December 17, 2019



I am so sorry to hear that not only did you go through it with your ex, your own flesh and blood has caused you heart break as well. *sigh There is no easy answer, leaving an ex is one thing, the question I ask is how would I turn my back on my daughter. As a mother, I do empathize with you, I can’t imagine what I would do if my adult daughter also had a problem. Sounds like you have been through a lot Jupiter. I hope you’re taking time for you.
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Posted: January 18, 2020, 1:29 AM


Posts: 44
Joined: January 12, 2020



So I came home late this evening (around midnight). K and B were in bed.

I have a dog who can stay in the yard as long as the gate is shut. K left the fence open once and the dog got out (I live near a busy road). K promised it would not happen again. Well tonight, the fence was open, the dog was out, the back door was open and everybody was in bed.

I went upstairs and told K that the fence was open and the dog was left outside (she normally comes inside when we go to bed). K said she did not realize the dog was out, and I could tell from how she was talking she had been drinking.

That means that she probably drank and drove home, with B (I can't prove it of course), did not realize she was not shutting the fence and then came inside without shutting the back door.

I think I mentioned already that she and her ex have an agreement that they will not drink when they have B.. but K has broken it several times already.

When do you call CPS on your own child? And I don't want to help build a case against my daughter as an unfit mother (I'm not sure the ex is any better).. but should I be documenting this... I mean what is the course of action????

I can't talk t her about anything.. she becomes so defensive and defiant it is pointless. When I told her she left the fence gate open she denied it and said "okay, but I didn't do it"

And I don't want to threaten her with CPS, because that is just going to add to the tension..and it won't make her change behavior.. only hide it more.

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Posted: January 18, 2020, 10:03 AM


Posts: 246
Joined: December 23, 2018



Maybe it's time for your daughter to get her own place. Offer to help with your grandchild as often as you can. Explain to your daughter that you love her too much to allow her living with you to cause so much resentment. If you are financially able, offer to help her find a place & to watch your grandchild while she gets settled. No mention of drinking or anything. If she asks, tell her that her drinking & reckless behavior is causing too much anxiety & stress & you fear for her life & the life of your grandchild. If she starts to argue or deflect the subject, draw her back in to moving out & change the conversation back. Practice what you are going to say & put her notice in writing. It is very, very hard & she'll be mad because she has to be an adult. Tell her YOU need a break from this stress.

I had to tell my addict son (meth) to stop calling & even had to block him for a while because he behavior was truly psychotic & out of control. I explained that both me & his dad are in our 60's & we cannot physically handle this stress. But, he was not living with me so that's a whole different story
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Posted: January 19, 2020, 2:05 AM


Posts: 44
Joined: January 12, 2020



So, it's 1 am.. K just got home.. stumbling drumk.

I opened the door to let her in and did not say a thing.

Fortunately, I don't see her car out here.. she ubered home.

This post has been edited by Jupiter2 on January 19, 2020, 2:09 AM
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Posted: January 19, 2020, 12:34 PM


Posts: 359
Joined: November 16, 2017



Jupiter, I went through this with my son.

At 17, he made an obnoxious announcement that he had been living a lie and proceeded to rip our house apart with crazy behavior for the next 2 years.

I did what almost every parent does: be protective, make excuses, look for the good, hope for recovery. I kept saying, "this is not my son, he is in there somewhere...".

I say this for anyone reading in the same situation. If I could go back in time to that moment when he was 17 (knowing all I know now), I would have let him leave, throw all his stuff on the driveway, locked the doors and called the police if he tried to get back in. I CLEARLY see now that they take advantage of our love and of our compassion.

From that moment, my son has continued to become a truly selfish, mean, obnoxious person. He no longer hangs out with the crowd he was and has improved, but the effects of his "lost" three years seem ingrained in him.

Every situation is somewhat unique. But, a KEY issue is WE MATTER too. Please don't keep backing off the boundary or the line of acceptable behavior (like I did, trying to "help" him). The line of acceptable behavior are clear. And, they need to leave if they can't do it. Otherwise, all of you go down with the ship.

I know it is SO hard with a grandchild in the mix. I cannot imagine. I would try to find out your legal rights and make some type of plan. It must be horrible to be in that situation.
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Posted: February 3, 2020, 2:28 PM


Posts: 44
Joined: January 12, 2020



I know I need to let this go, but the doubt is haunting me.

I bought an old car for K to use a few years ago, and one day she showed up with the mirror ripped off and a long gash down one side. When I asked her what happened, she said that it was parked in an outer lot at the school and someone ran into it (hit and run). I believed her.

But now, based on the fact I've caught her repeatedly lying to me about other stuff, and based on something her ex said in passing, I suspect she hit something while she was drinking and driving and she caused the accident.

There is no way for me to find out.. if i ask K she'll deny it and if I ask the ex it who knows what his motivation will be...

Does it matter, at this point probably not. But it has me questioning other things that have happened where I believed what I was told because, well, because I guess I'm just incredibly naive or willfully ignorant.

I feel so stupid, I feel duped, and honestly, I feel that I cannot believe ANYTHING that comes out of K's mouth.

I don't know whether to scream or cry. But I'll probably do neither.. just practice and plot disengagement.
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Posted: February 3, 2020, 10:52 PM


Posts: 1623
Joined: June 27, 2016



It is a process. emotional process, intellectual process, coming to terms with what is going on. sadness, anger, betrayal, strength, weakness, hope, hopeless, grief... you will go thru it all. over and over.
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Posted: February 4, 2020, 11:48 AM


Posts: 44
Joined: January 12, 2020



I did verify through one of K's friends I trust that K damaged the car while she was driving drunk. and the lied to me about the situation.

This infuriates me on so many levels. One: W.T.F. and Two: The car was in my name, the insurance was mine.. so if she had been prosecuted I would have been held responsible.

Total disregard of consequences, but nothing new.

This narcissistic judgment really concerns me about B's welfare. I am not sure where to go from here.. I have a lot of ideas flying around in my head.. I jsut need to calm down before I decide which path to move on.

Meanwhile, she is no longer on my insurance, and our rental agreement has a clause that says neglect to pay after 15 days can result in eviction. I also wrote her a long letter telling her I realize my attempt to control her was out of false belief I could help her avoid natural consequences, but I now realize it was not doing anything but setting up tension between us (i.e. uncle, consequences will fall and she cannot move back in with me though B can stay with me as needed).

My only focus needs to be minimizing consequences on B.
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Posted: February 4, 2020, 1:11 PM


Posts: 80
Joined: November 10, 2019



Juniper2 I mean this in a kind way, and you may know this, you are way too involved in your daughter's life. Your grandchild I understand completely. Your daughter has a very serious alcohol addiction and she's flaunting it in your face left and right. She can not be drunk in your home period. If she's drunk she's out. You have to have very clear and stated boundaries with her or she'll keep walking all over you, like she's been doing. I personally would let her find her own living accommodations. She needs to find out her drinking has serious consequences and she needs to experience them. Otherwise there is no motivation for change and the drama continues. Nothing really changes.
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Posted: February 4, 2020, 3:34 PM


Posts: 44
Joined: January 12, 2020



yes, i understand and completely agree with you, Sallyana, and will get there.
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Posted: February 7, 2020, 1:33 PM


Posts: 44
Joined: January 12, 2020



I just learned that ex is counter-suing .. including custody of B.

I cannot stop shaking.
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Posted: February 7, 2020, 5:46 PM


Posts: 51
Joined: December 17, 2019



Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry to hear that this news is impacting you. I can’t imagine. I hope that you can take care of you, Jupiter.
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Posted: February 7, 2020, 8:58 PM


Posts: 80
Joined: November 10, 2019



So sorry juniper it's scary when legal matters start happening. I hope things will be okay for B. She's fortunate to have you in her life
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Posted: February 8, 2020, 12:23 AM


Posts: 359
Joined: November 16, 2017



Jupiter, so SORRY. How awful. I am thinking of you. I don't understand the laws, but grandparents have no rights? Even though she has been with you?

Wishing you some peace. I can't imagine how stressful this is for you and B.
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Posted: February 11, 2020, 9:26 AM


Posts: 44
Joined: January 12, 2020



After a continuance, we had the trial yesterday. Had the ex agreed to the restraining order initially without bringing it to trial, it would have remained private and never hit his public record. However, he decided to charge K with domestic violence also and to sue for formalization of a 50/50 custody situation (which was a big relief for me).

Results: K was granted a restraining order against the ex; the second restraining order was deemed retaliatory and thrown out. They will begin mediation of child custody within a month.

K has been staying with a friend on nights she does not have B. When she has B, she stays with me. I leave next week to take care of my aging father.. during that time K should be able to move into the townhouse. I am also hoping she will take a long look at her drinking, but am disengaging on that subject.

We signed a rental agreement; K agreed to pay a substantial amount each month that will nearly cover the cost. It also has a clause that if she misses a payment she will be evicted.

This ordeal has destroyed alot. But maybe that's a good thing. A chance to start over.


This post has been edited by Jupiter2 on February 11, 2020, 9:28 AM
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