Caught In A Breakup
Posted: January 13, 2020, 2:43 PM

Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020

I posted about my daughter a few days ago. she is in process of separating from her SO, there is a 3 year old child they share. K often does not do what she says she will do. She told her ex-SO she would come by his house and pick up her stuff.. more than a few times.

Her ex-SO has his own set of issues, mostly about anger and drinking. And last night he went to the bar and found out through a bartender that K has been going home with guys, which sent the SO ballistic.

He is angry at my buying a townhouse to rent to her.. and this morning he brought all her stuff over to my house (clothes, furniture, everything) to leave it out in the rain at the end of my driveway. Prior to this, he went to her office and made a scene which resulted in the police being called and she is asking for a restraiing order against him.

She is not innocent. Some of the things he says about her are the same complaints I have: lying, manipulating, sense of entitlement.

I took most of the pictures and things that the rain would ruin into the garage (that I could carry). Everything else has a tarp over it or just sitting bare in the rain.

I cannot believe this situation has become so hillbilly. and I feel numb.

Part of me what to tell K she cannot live with me anymore, period. but again, there is a 3 year old little girl caught in all this.

Posted: January 13, 2020, 2:52 PM

Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020

I'm sitting here wondering how I ended up with a daughter like this. I hold down a good job, am active in community, blah blah blah.. and I have this daughter who thinks its acceptable to sleep with guys at whim and act with no class at all.

And how do I protect B from all this.

I feel like K has me trapped by having had my granddaughter. She knows I would do anything happen for B..
Posted: January 13, 2020, 8:49 PM

Posts: 1647
Joined: June 27, 2016

Hello, I don’t have words of wisdom... just want you to know We are listening. With or without grandchildren, we are still trapped. Not easy to make hard decisions when children are involved.
Addiction seems to stay one step ahead of us, like a run away train. While we are trying to solve the crisis of today, a new crisis blossoms, in our face, that we didn’t see coming...

Find a recovery center that helps families. You need someone who knows the addiction/ recovery system.

Maybe for now let them live w you and rent out the townhouse. At least you can off set expenses and you know B is ok. ? Idk.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 13, 2020, 8:51 PM
Posted: January 13, 2020, 11:20 PM

Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020

TY Florida.. I have asked K to stay somewhere else tonight.. I really need to minimize my time around her for my own sanity.. she and I have always been locked in a battle where she makes bad decisions and I fret over them. My home has to be a calm place, and it is not when she is here.

The ex SO did text me and apologize for his actions today. He said I've always been straight and respectful with him (which I have), but emotions got out of control with him today. I told him (via text) that both he and K need to go to AA and get a handle on this, because the person being most impacted is Bella.

I have decided to tell K to move to the house and live on bottom floor while the top floor is being worked on. I'll shut off the utilities on a particular date so she can have responsibility for those.. and I'll have her sign a contract about the portion of the rent she is committing to. I won't be surprised if she falls through on the rent in a few months.. there will be some excuse.. but at least I know B will be safe.

Meanwhile, K, who has been telling me she is not dating anyone, showed up at a friend's birthday party yesterday with some guy. i was supposed to go to that same party, but got tied up with something else. A friend confided that they seemed to be an item. I don't have any illusions about saving her from herself or any hope of talking sense into her. I only hope she hits her rock bottom soon.

So for now everything seems calm, but i know enough to realize, this is just part of the cycle we're trapped in, until someone decides to make real changes.

Thank you all for listening.. it really does help to write this stuff out!

Posted: January 14, 2020, 12:08 AM

Posts: 54
Joined: March 20, 2018

Jupiter, sounds like you're doing the best you can. I hope all goes well.

I read all the parenting books, we played together, they played with friends. I was there for them before and after school, they played hockey and soccer, we went on holidays. I thought I was doing it right.
Posted: January 14, 2020, 12:10 AM

Posts: 1647
Joined: June 27, 2016

Great! Sounds like a plan. It is awfully difficult to have your daughter live with you. Make your house the safe house for you and B. That is a more clear boundary that you can enforce instead of having her at your house and trying to make her stick to rules and boundaries.
Posted: January 14, 2020, 6:06 PM

Posts: 254
Joined: December 23, 2018

Jupiter, I have done a lot & have tolerated a lot for my grandkids! Not from my addict son, he fortunately didn't have children. But from my youngest son & his ex gf, neither could make a good decision if they had to & were always living payday to payday & usually payday to NEXT day & the money would be gone. I let him move in with his 2 children when he lost his job & couldn't pay his $1200 per month rent, he lived with us for 3 years & never appreciated a single day but we were fine UNTIL he started dating a lady who wanted to spend the night & I said no, I'm not interested in helping you start this new relationship I want you to get a job & move out! But he had her stay over ANYWAY & the SH** HIT THE FAN!! I was furious & said I never wanted to see her again. Shortly thereafter he DID get a job & was working on moving out, so I relented & would let her stay. He did move out about 5 months after meeting new GF & they are still together today. I told him I would never let him live with me again, it would have been much different if he showed my a little respect in my own house! So if she doesn't show you respect living outside your home, she won't being with you every day. Little Bella needs security, Grandma's home can be her escape!
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