Prayers For My Caterpillar To Find Her Wings!
Posted: January 7, 2020, 2:25 AM

Posts: 2
Joined: January 6, 2020

I dreamed of the great things my daughter would accomplish, the difference she would make in the world. To watch her blossom and embrace her own journey with passion.
She become ill in her teen years and was on 23 medications. Doctors handed out opioids like candy. I desperately counted pills, asked for other options and witnessed a beautiful young lady hang on with a death grip to a silent roller coaster ride that seemed endless.
After having two gorgeous little girls that gave her the courage to face her pain with no hesitation of being a dedicated and devoted mother. A PTA mom, teachers aid and volunteer for all their events. Pills were a faint memory in her rearview mirror and her priorities were her girls.
Until a nightmare impacted her with devastation of an accident by a boyfriend hurting her daughter. She never left her girls alone, not even one day did they ever spend in daycare. She went to make her baby a bottle and her baby was hurt. He was frustrated that the baby was interrupting their time. Resulting in her loosing her daughter to Foster Care. She did everything she had to do to fight for her daughter, getting her back in record time.
But, the guilt haunted her and her reoccurring nightmare of addiction spiraled out of control. Reaching for the pills to numb her conscience. From many trips to the hospital for pain that was only her reality. Manipulating anyone with a prescription pad for an autograph to obtain more pills. From borrowing, bartering and stealing to buy more of the devils candy to take away her pain. Eventhough her ability to tolerate pain was raped by the pills in the first place.
her friends mom would sell her pills daily, never asking her how she had hundreds of dollars but had no job. Even after I found out and pleaded, threatened and detouring contact with her, I failed. I barricaded my wallet from unknowingly contributing to the addiction. This mom, another figure of authority kept the supply endlessly coming. Sadly, her drug dealer was a licensed medical doctor and her prescription was automatically refilled. A part of her addiction was making $20.00 per pill.
My daughter looked at those beautiful babies and confessed her life felt helplessly out of control. She voluntarily signed up and participated in out-patient rehabilitation and was one month until one year of sobriety. Her brother, a Police Officer attended her 3rd quarter graduation.
Starting her last 30 days of treatment on Substaining Sobriety, she met a gentleman that saw her weakness and vulnerability. His mom managed flower sellers, that sold flowers on the corners. He would bring her bouquets of flowers and started sweeping her off her feet. He was court ordered to treatment and due to his record had participated countless times. He was a smooth player and had experience in the world of street drugs. My daughters priorities started shifting to what she thought was a sexy life of freedom.
This boy shot her up with heroin the first time she tried illegal drugs. The venom of the heroin snake bite her and mesmerized her from that moment on.
This was a whole new ball game for me. I had no clue how to tackle it. I would be at the treatment facility begging for support and had a counselor tell me it was not my problem, that he had it under control. I felt totally helpless and lost with no ideas of what to do.
This was a horrible game of dominos.The more I tried to help the more dominos would fall. The harder I played, the harder I lost. My daughter would take off and was missing for month's, no contact. I had nightmares she was dead everytime I nodded off.
Then my son called during work hours and told me that they had raided a motel room and he got pulled off to the side by his Lieutenant, explaining that the room was under his sister's name and the room was full of needles from heroin. He prepared him for the condition his sister was in. No arrested were made because they were hunting a dangerous criminal and the warrant was for him.
The cycle continued, moving from motel to motel, sleeping in stairways, stealing and selling drugs. She finally got arrested and spent some time in jail. She would get sober, placed on probation and would go right back to him.
I ended up taking Guardianship of the precious girls. Whom felt like their life had fell apart. We never knew where she was, if she was alive, safe or if we would see her again.
At first I spent nights while the girls were sleeping hunting the streets. Searching motel parking lots and begging the police to help me find my daughter. Begging her probation officer to be proactive and her probation officer never called back or enforced her stipulations of probation. I was desperately searching for her because I thought I could save her. When I did hear from her I would feed her and make sure she had cloths, shoes and cigarettes! I would try to take her to treatment or detox. I wanted to tie her up and throw away the key, until she was safe. I would let her take showers and get warm. Only to wake up to anything worth money gone and her missing again. .
After a detention center, 4th Felony. My daughter had a little longer sober time and actually participated in treatment, with the threat of prison in her future. One more strike your out!!! She stayed sober for 9 months.
Until one day she stole my car and was on the run. Her trigger was another guy that showed her attention, confessing his love. She moved in with him at his parents. I am perplexed that in my experiences the parents of other addict seem disinterested with working together to help the children. Her story to them is that I was horribly mean, abusive and kicked her out. This boyfriend was worse than the last. He had just got out of prison with a mile long rap sheet. He was very jealous and controlling. Taking and tracking her phone, not allowing her to leave and chased her if she tried to leave. He beat her, locked her in public bathrooms, scaring employees and customers enough to call the Police. Stalked her, showing up everywhere she went. Encouraging her to steal, sell drugs and hustle for their needs. Always shadowing her in the background when she was caught and arrested. Threatened to kill us and burn our house down.
After getting arrested for her 5th Felony, her sentence was an extended vacation, facing years in prison. Being very lucky getting sentenced to sober living. She is only 2 months in, so prayers are heavy and as a parent you have to have blind trust. When all trust has be broken.
From years of agony and horrifying heartbreak. I have learned the more I helped her monetarily, the more she expected, yet no remorse nor changes..
I have to take moment by moment. Somedays second by second. I sleep around my nightmares and pray constintly. I Still jump out of my skin when the door bell or phone rIngs, that she is not alright. I do not give money nor anything valuable. I will not help unless I feel I am not hurting me nor the girls and its for treatment. I make boundries and keep them, even when it hurts. Because I love her.
I always feel that this is my burden to bare alone and that there is not very much support for families and friends of an addict.
Posted: January 7, 2020, 6:53 AM

Posts: 224
Joined: December 21, 2018

Wow that's a lot and similar to many have gone through.

You summed it up near the end. The more you gave her monetarily the more she expected with no remorse.

After a certain point it's a way of life to them including manipulating, begging or conning for money. It's second nature. There's no remorse because they've done it for so long.

All that you can or could do was stop enabling. Until the addict really wants to change on their own it's not happening.

Worry about your life and self

Posted: January 7, 2020, 9:22 PM

Posts: 147
Joined: November 10, 2019

Twood thank you for sharing your story of your daughter's addiction and life. Sadly, it's one bad choice after another and then it starts to snowball. You sound very caring and I can tell you love your daughter very much. I hope she stays on a good path for recovery and gets her life back.
Posted: January 7, 2020, 10:16 PM

Posts: 2
Joined: January 6, 2020

Thank you for the responses! Sorry it was so long. I was holding all that in forever.
It's horrible that other parents are faced with such heartache. But, is so nice to know I'm not alone!
Posted: January 8, 2020, 12:30 AM

Posts: 147
Joined: November 10, 2019

No you are not alone and welcome. Please know we are here for you and each other. We all need each other
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